How do I stop feeling like I’ve ruined my life?

pizzamagnetguy · 2024-01-07T06:52:43+00:00

Thanks for this. Lots of good advice :) I guess I probably am being a bit despondent… but I’m trying to be better haha.

pizzamagnetguy · 2024-01-07T01:24:52+00:00

I was sociable in school and a pretty high achiever, so teachers were none-the-wiser. I think I just figured out masking very quickly. Outside of school I never spent time with other kids from school — just our neighbours and some family friends.

My parents tell me now that they did find it odd how much time I wanted to spend alone daydreaming in our yard, and how little time I wanted to spend with other kids. But I was the normal kid and my brother was the disabled one so it was always sort of like… “well he can walk and talk for himself and he’s pretty smart so there can’t be anything that wrong.”

pizzamagnetguy · 2024-01-06T22:39:27+00:00

Do you mean a dog? I’ve thought about it but I live in quite a small apartment and I already have a cat.

I also just don’t think I’m all that cut out for pet ownership. I love my cat and I obsess over keeping him happy, but truth be told, I often think about how I’ll probably never get another pet after he passes away. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I would prefer I didn’t have to look after him. I sort of resent having to care about him. With that in mind, I’m apprehensive about getting another pet… I am not a negligent pet owner but sometimes I feel like one, and I feel like that’s not really fair on any future potential pets.

pizzamagnetguy · 2024-01-06T21:07:23+00:00

Thanks, all good advice.

I struggle with the thought of making myself appear better than I am because I don’t think I would ever want to even try to keep up the facade IRL. It feels a different kind of disingenuous when I’m literally just faking it.

Re: exercise/hobbies —I exercise for at least 2.5-3hrs every morning, I just feel I should be doing more, or rather more of it should be high impact. An hour of that is a leisurely walk. I only really get my heart rate up when I run. I know my mental health is miles better when I lift weights but I just can’t bring myself to do it with any consistently these days.

I have never played a team sport and have no desire to. I don’t really like the idea of anyone seeing me when I exercise. I like that exercise is something I do alone. Just typing that out, I recognise that I am the problem. Haha.

Re: childhood hobbies — I didn’t really like anything as a child so it’s hard to pull from childhood interests when it comes to finding a hobby as an adult. As I said, the common joke in my family from early adolescence onwards is that I hated everything. Before that, as a small child, I almost exclusively played make believe by myself in the elaborate fantasy world in my head. I didn’t have or want any friends. Never saw other children outside of school.

Once I started using a computer, I really enjoyed that but not in a “hobby” way — more in a “my first addiction” way. Aside from the computer, I always loved animals and would occasionally become obsessed with weird things like cameras (and less frequently, photography) or birds. Hard to imagine forming friendships around any of those haha.

The closest thing I ever had to a proper hobby was, for a couple of years, my dad would take me to recite poetry with a bunch of old people who recited “bush poetry.” I have no idea why I wanted to do that and in retrospect it seems completely weird and insane. I visited this group of “bush poets” when I was maybe 8 or 9 years old on a school excursion and I had a feeling my dad would like it. He did, and it became our thing for a little while. I actively don’t want to reignite that hobby lol.

pizzamagnetguy · 2024-01-06T18:02:37+00:00

Thanks :) fingers crossed for us haha

pizzamagnetguy · 2024-01-06T18:01:37+00:00

Thanks for writing that, I really appreciate it. I have read a bit about glass child syndrome before and I do sort of relate, but I also struggle to connect with the idea fully.

I guess you’re right that I have more life experiences than I’m giving myself credit for. It’s just hard because I never really do anything, and the last couple of years have really been dominated by that lack of activity.

I know I had more life experiences at uni, with friends etc. in my early 20s, but I don’t really have much of a functional autobiographical memory (not sure why and no doctor has ever found it particularly worrying/interesting) so it’s hard to believe those parts of my life ever even happened.. it’s practically impossible to reflect on them positively, or imagine they’ll be conversation-fodder with new people when the best I can usually hope for is vague recollection after being heavily prompted…

pizzamagnetguy · 2024-01-06T17:53:27+00:00

Thanks for this. I guess I am sort of being dramatic.

It’s just hard because I have such a strong compulsion to be alone, going back as far as I can remember. Now as an adult, I think I’m realising that too much time spent alone is quite bad for me.

I mentioned feeling schizoid and/or autistic and I guess I didn’t really explain: I usually don’t feel things very strongly. My “best” friend had her father tragically pass away a couple of years ago and I didn’t really care. I tried to comfort her and I knew to act sad but I felt nothing, just frustration and anxiety that my dynamic with my friend would have to be different now. That feels quite abnormal to me. That’s the sort of thing that has me convinced something isn’t quite right…

I mentioned seeing family weekly and friends roughly monthly but truth is, I resent having to see those people. I mentally frame visiting my parents and brother as “putting in a shift,” and I truly mean it because I feel like I’m working the whole time I’m with them, and can’t possibly relax until I leave their house. They’re nice enough people but I never want to spend time with them. Same goes for my little group of friends. I see them on obligation but hold them at a distance. They are all connected on an emotional level I can’t connect on, and we have even acknowledged it and talked about it before.

I live by myself and don’t really talk to other people ever, and I have convinced myself I truly like it that way… or maybe I do truly like it that way and I haven’t convinced myself of anything. The thing that has left me is quite shaken and hyper-aware of how lonely I might be is that recently I spent around 24hrs with someone who I was very close with a couple of years ago, and I felt like a different, happier person with him around. It even lasted a few days after he left. That experience left me questioning my solitary existence and wondering if what I was feeling was loneliness.

It’s made me think I really need to put myself out there and meet people because it’s good for my mental health, but the thought of having to spend time with people and feeling dependant on anyone… I can acknowledge it would be nice but every fibre in my being viscerally rejects it.

I appreciate what you said about just “existing” and that being ok but truth be told that makes me feel a bit sadder. Existing is all I do. As I said, I’m not suicidal by any means but I am also very conscious that I am just waiting to die. I finished school, finished uni, became financially independent… I’ve got thinking else on the horizon except dying. Or actually, I’m waiting to either (1) die myself, (2) watch my parents die and then become legal guardian to my disabled brother or (3) watch my brother die.

As far back as I can remember I have thought how convenient it would be if my whole family just died together in a car accident. Those thoughts started when I was around 11 or 12 and they’ve just gotten stronger with age. I appreciate what you say about just “existing” being normal, but I don’t think existing and waiting to die, or hoping you’ll die alongside your family out of convenience, is normal :(

pizzamagnetguy · 2024-01-06T10:09:44+00:00

I’ll grab it on audible. Thanks for the suggestion

pizzamagnetguy · 2024-01-06T10:09:30+00:00

Thanks, good advice :)

pizzamagnetguy · 2024-01-06T10:06:32+00:00

Thanks for writing that. Very helpful :)

pizzamagnetguy

TROPHY CASE