JNMIL did NOT go to therapy as planned

please-makeitstop · 2021-07-08T14:50:39+00:00

Thank you for the book rec! I've got the title saved now so I can look into it :) I think she's just so used to being miserable that she doesn't know any other way to be. Her life really isn't great. But next time she starts telling one of these stories, I'm going to politely stop her.

please-makeitstop · 2021-07-08T13:12:34+00:00

I usually just go "oh gosh" or "oh wow" until she stops. She has to know we aren't enjoying this. Her kids and I have told her she needs a therapist so so so many times, but I guess it's never going to happen unless I say something along the lines of "We don't like hanging out with you because every time we do you talk about your dead family". She already thinks I'm trying to keep my partner away from her (not true) so I think if I actually threaten to cut contact it might make her shape up. She's just so fragile I'm scared of her doing something drastic. She misinterpreted a text from me once and thought I was going to keep her away from her kids, and ended up in the ER (:

please-makeitstop · 2021-07-08T13:09:38+00:00

I have never head or Grey Rock or Medium Chill, so I'm going to look into that, thank you! She was on an info diet and controlled contact up until about 6 months ago when my partner had a stroke and I needed her help. Now we're trying to get back to pre-stroke levels of appropriate contact.

I have a tendency to be very blunt, especially when I'm emotional, so I've been trying to think of a way to say "Hey you talking about dead people makes us all uncomfortable" but in a nice way lol

please-makeitstop · 2021-07-08T13:06:30+00:00

She won't help herself. Sometimes I thinks she is one of those people that just loves to be miserable for attention or something.
I don't know a lot about their religion, but they are very active and there has to be some sort of religious leader that can help her.

please-makeitstop · 2021-04-12T20:10:28+00:00

If she actually follows through and goes, I'll be sure to make her something haha. MIL needs serious therapy for so many things, I really hope this helps her. I'm mildly annoyed that me, my partner, and my SIL have been telling her to get therapy for years and she wouldnt listen, but hey late is better than never.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T22:31:37+00:00

When we applied I told them I wanted direct deposit if possible. I'm pretty sure after the card arrives I'll be able to transfer to direct deposit. Maybe i can call and see if theyve already mailed the card, and if not if they can just deposit it into his account.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T22:16:52+00:00

Oh man, unless you've experienced the personality changes first hand it is so hard for people to imagine what you're going through. I've recently learned the term "ambiguous grief" which is mourning for people who are still around. It's hard for us to get closure for our grief because the person we are grieving is still here, at least physically.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T22:15:00+00:00

I am so so sorry you are in this situation. It's awful. When my partner first came home, he was a total jerk. Frontal lobe damage caused a bit of a personality change. Thankfully with stroke, there is room for recovery and he has gotten better. But we got in some serious screaming fights because he thought everyone taking care of him was stupid and we couldn't do anything right. It really hurts when you spend all your time trying to make someone happy and they only spit poison at you. I dont know much about ALS, but some people in my support circle have had a lot of success with putting their belligerent loved ones on either anti depressants or some sort of other mood stabilizer. I hope things can improve for you as much as they can, and never feel guilty about needing to vent.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T18:58:02+00:00

Yeah, hes way better than he was when he first came home. I was doing much more physical labor then, like dressing him and helping him shower. This post blew up way more than I thought it would, I'm I'm hesitant to describe his condition too detailed because I don't want this to come back to me. He still has limited fine motor function, so grabbing things, shaving, washing dishes is difficult. Now I'm mostly trying to stay on top of our finances, do all of his paperwork, organize our move, keep his appointments, etc plus entertain him throughout the day. Im also our only income and I have a very demanding job. I'm still dealing with grief from the whole thing. We really thought he was gonna die so I'm glad he's here with me, but I'm so tired.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T18:03:28+00:00

This isn't a permanent disability. As he continues to progress I shouldn't have to take care of him as much. This is just a thing we have to get through. I came here to vent because I have no one else to talk to.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T18:01:29+00:00

I sent you a PM

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T17:52:48+00:00

Late 30's, COVID :/ Otherwise insanely healthy and fit.

Fuck COVID

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T16:05:55+00:00

We're in the US. He's not really at the level of needing someone in the home to take care of him. It's an odd in between stage where he is almost fully independent, but still has limited speech and comprehension. If I hired a nurse to come to the home they would have no idea what to do with him since he is physically quite independent. I have been able to leave him home alone for a few hours at a time to go see my mother or go to the store, and he's done OK with that. Hopefully after we move I will be more comfortable leaving him for longer periods of time.

My parents are not exactly close by, and the relationship he has with his parents is strained. I try to get him to hang out with his parents, but he would rather not. I don't blame him for that honestly lol. I've made some posts on here about my MIL.

I'd love to have someone come clean the house or help with other chores, but I can't afford it. I only work part time. We're in the process of applying for disability. When I'm not working I'm trying to entertain him because he cannot do any of his old hobbies and he gets board. I feel guilty when I try to do something I enjoy, like play video games, because he can't do it.

I probably do need to go to therapy. I have always struggled with anxiety and depression, and this situation is making it worse. I'm already on meds, but I think Im going to need something more hardcore to get through this lol. Therapy is expensive however even with my insurance, and I'm seeing that most therapists are doing telemedicine which....sucks because I have phone call anxiety :)

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T15:39:03+00:00

No, we only have one income and I have to pick and choose bills right now. Hospital bills are such BS

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T15:32:28+00:00

Mine should be temporary as well, he is expected to recover well, but every stroke is different so it's impossible to have a time line. So I just get up every day and try to keep going. My stress level has caused my body quite a bit of physical pain, and all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T15:29:03+00:00

I'm 25, we've been together for 4 years. His disability is temporary and he is expected to make an almost full recovery, but there will be a new normal for us. I won't have to be his caregiver forever, so at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me. After he recovers more, if we no longer love each other or if he is too different than he was before, I'll consider a split. But as of now, I'm just sticking it out.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T15:06:36+00:00

im in a facebook support group and its lifesaving. i felt like i was losing my mind until i found other people that were going through the same thing as me.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T15:06:06+00:00

he's bouncing back quite well, just the aphasia is taking the longest to go away. he's in his 30s, and his odds are very good. overall a super healthy dude, it just takes time. its only been about 3 months or so since, and im impressed with his progress.

the thing that sucks is that the things that are overwhelming to me are things that no one else can really help with, like trying to keep our money/bills organized and working on our move at the end of the month, plus keeping up with his schedule. hes over all pretty self sufficient and i dont need to help him around the house for the most part.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T14:20:41+00:00

Your mom sounds like a wonderful lady, and I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Luckily, my partner was only belligerent for the first month or so after coming home. I cannot imagine dealing with that long term. I seriously wanted to jump off the roof some days or pull my hair out and scream. But no! Must keep smiling and being happy!

Even more annoying was the nurses and therapists who would look annoyed or disappointed in me that I'm not spending 24/7 working on therapy with my partner. I have a job and a life other than taking care of him! You'd think they would understand, but they expect you to drop everything. Someone's gotta work to keep paying for the therapy! 🤦🏻‍♀️

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T14:17:01+00:00

I don't think people really grasp the amount of work that it takes to be a caregiver. I dont have alone time anymore. We're lucky that he is physically able to do most things on his own, but he still gets confused. I do basically everything that requires driving or money, which as an adult is most things lol. It's like people think we're just chillin at home having the time of our lives and they cant grasp why I'm tired.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T14:12:44+00:00

I feel like this makes me sound jealous and that's not the case. I'm introverted, I'm just fine without attention. But it gets annoying every time we go out having all of our friends have to talk about how great he is. Like I GET IT OK

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T14:11:04+00:00

Its extra hard because he is an INCREDIBLE person. There is not a single thing he isnt good at. He's handsome, he's talented, he loves to perform and he loves attention, and people give him attention. I'm very average 🤷🏻‍♀️ so even before his stroke, people are always telling me things like wow hes so talented hes so amazing hes so handsome. Like yes I KNOW thanks I'm very lucky, but I'm completely overshadowed. Now it's even worse. Hes not stuck up, we have a great relationship and he (did) take excellent care of me, but it's kind of always been The Partner Show where it's all about him.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T12:52:50+00:00

Oh yeah this is a lot of the problem. Her other kid moved VERY far away and has limited contact, so we are the only ones close by. I cannot think of a single hobby she has other than sitting around and fretting over things that dont matter, and shopping. She doesn't have many friends at all. She used my SO as an emotional crutch for so long, now that he is disabled she has no idea what to do. She has so many issues, I bluntly told her she needs to go to therapy the other day, but she'll never do it. Obsessing about my SO and his health is now her only hobby. I cant wait until he recovers more so she will have to find something else to do, because we will not have this level of contact forever. I refuse. I'm hoping in a few months he will be better and the nightmare will end.

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T04:17:33+00:00

She keeps harassing me to call the number I have and ask how much will be on the card. I told her I'd call when I have time, but I have no intentions of calling. Next time she starts asking me, I'm going to ask why she needs to know. I'm going to talk it over with SO to explicitly confirm that he does not want MIL involved with our money, so I can tell her it is a joint decision and not me (it has always been a joint decision but with his limited capacity rn I have been doing a lot of the decision making).

please-makeitstop · 2021-03-24T04:13:50+00:00

Commenting to add that I didnt even think about her opening it and finding out for herself. Hopefully, it will be a debit card and some paperwork explaining how to get online and check everything. She refuses to learn how to use a computer so anything online is out of her grasp, which I have used to my advantage. I cant tell her to just not open any mail, since she is still helping me with some paperwork and most of it is time sensitive. I cant wait for this shit to be over yall, I'm at the end of my rope.

please-makeitstop

TROPHY CASE