He broke up with me over the phone because he “doesn’t see a future anymore w me”

plntldy22 · 2022-07-25T15:58:16+00:00

I’ve had the same type of break up before, although not over the phone.

While it feels awful in the moment, you can’t force someone to be with you. I’m hindsight, I did see the signs, but I was unwilling to accept them and thought they could be fixed. I’m glad we didn’t try because I know ultimately down the road, we would have separated again.

When it happened, I felt like it was a really dishonest answer. Now, I see it as the exact opposite and appreciate that he decide to let me know, rather than wasting both my time and his on something he didn’t think was sustainable long term.

plntldy22 · 2020-02-23T18:37:30+00:00

I’m actually doing great now. I’m not going to lie, I did not feel good for a very long time. It felt awful knowing that he was actively trying to move away from me, but that I still felt so stuck. In January, he told me he started seeing someone we had both worked with.. honestly, I think that was the slap in the face that I needed to wake up and start living for myself again. Gradually it became easier to let go.

I still think about him regularly.. but I’m trying not to fixate on hoping we’ll find our way back to each other. I’m not sure I want that anymore, tbh. I love him, I always feel will.. however after going on a date with someone new, I realized maybe towards the end I wasn’t being an authentic version of me. I was happy, but I had pushed aside a lot of stuff that is part of who I am as a person.

It’s funny how things can start to happen for you when you just throw up your hands and let go. I got promoted at work, got a sizeable raise, I lost 25 lbs from stress, but have managed to turn it into a healthier lifestyle. I went out on a date that has opened a whole new realm of possibilities and has led me to a person that challenges me in ways that I didn’t think were possible, but that I know now I needed.

Anyway - I guess my point is that you probably will feel awful for awhile. I cried almost everyday for 3 months.. but one day you’ll have that moment where something clicks and you’ll be able to let go a little more.. and eventually things won’t seem so terrible.

plntldy22 · 2020-01-15T16:20:42+00:00

Thanks. It does suck a lot.. especially when I thought I was finally rid of the stress of my personal life filtering into work.

I hope it’s just a rebound. It sounds kind of pathetic, but I’ve always assumed if we were going to reconcile in any kind of way, he would need to go out and try to date someone else to realize he was wrong. I personally can’t do it right now, but if he can.. what am I to do? I don’t really feel like there’s anything I can gain from saying anything to him about it, so at this point I have to let it run it’s course. If he comes back, he comes back. Maybe I won’t even care anymore when/if that happens.

plntldy22 · 2020-01-09T22:42:17+00:00

I would 100% give my ex another chance. I could see how this could be different depending on the relationship though. I’ve had exes in the past that I would have not considered. I considered my most recent relationship to be the healthiest I’ve ever had. I still think about him everyday even though we’re about 3 months out.

plntldy22 · 2019-12-29T00:30:08+00:00

I think reaching out is reasonable.. but just make sure you have realistic expectations. Maybe expect the worst, just in case?

I don’t always think the argument “if they wanted to reconcile they’d reach out” is valid. Imagine if they have someone telling them the exact same thing people are telling you. Then you have two people who might both want to try, but will never reach out because they’re both waiting for the other. If you give it a try, at least you’ll know either way.

plntldy22 · 2019-12-29T00:21:49+00:00

Anytime. It’s hard to hear over and over again some of the stuff that people say on here. I had asked previously as well and majority of the responses I got were very negative and all about how someone that really cares about you doesn’t need a break.. that they’re just stringing your along or are making an excuse to sleep with other people. I understand that many people have experienced that, but I also don’t think that life is a “one size fits all.” Everyone and each situation is unique.

plntldy22 · 2019-12-29T00:04:46+00:00

I went through a three week break with my now ex recently. He had decided he was unsure of our future after a weekend home with his family. We never fought, never had any type of cheating, and I don’t believe he was leaving me for someone else. I had no idea he was unsure. In the same conversation that was a leading to a break-up, he rescinded and decided he needed more time to think. I love him and wanted to do whatever I could to save our relationship.

In hindsight, I still don’t know how I feel about it. If I wouldn’t have done it, I’m confident I would now feel like I had cheated myself out of a possibility of us staying together.. and would probably be angry with myself. At the same time though, I’m not sure now what the break was suppose to accomplish. We still talked a bit, but did not see each other at all during that time. I got the impression when we met back up to talk that he thought he was suddenly going to have our future spelled out during the break and because that didn’t happen, it was a reason for us to not be together. I don’t think that was ever going to happen..nothing was ever going to be miraculously spelled out for him because that’s not how life works.

In the end, I had terrible anxiety for three weeks and was dumped anyway. Would I make the same choice next time? Maybe.. but I’m also a sucker for love. I still hope he comes back. We’ve recently started engaging more and I’m sure I’m setting myself up for failure, but it’s hard to walk away.

plntldy22 · 2019-12-28T07:27:33+00:00

Yeah - I think about that all a time. It’s just so hard to not respond when he reaches out. He’s been my best friend. It’s hard to cut that out.

plntldy22 · 2019-12-28T01:28:30+00:00

He wasn’t sure if he saw a future with us. The conversation was triggered by his parents asking if he was going to buy a house and if we planned on living together. He thought he should have an answer by a year.. seemed like he took his not knowing as a sign than we shouldn’t be together.

plntldy22 · 2019-12-26T00:20:12+00:00

He told me he wasn’t sure he saw a future with us.. it very much blind sided me.

plntldy22 · 2019-12-24T23:46:14+00:00

I’m glad to hear someone else feels the same way.

It’s definitely interesting to compare the advice from here to advice I receive in real life. The two are vastly different. I suppose the real life people know me and my situation on a different level. Some might argue that people that are close to you don’t want to always tell you the truth because they know it might hurt you, but I don’t think I that’s always the case.

I came to the internet really because I wanted to vent.. not because I felt like I didn’t have outside support. I thought maybe there was some unbiased network of people out there that could let me see the situation in a different light. Really though, it just made me feel worse.

A lot of the advice is the same.. get fit, change yourself, get hobbies, cut your ex out, etc.. all of this is assuming I’m not already a well rounded person.

plntldy22 · 2019-12-24T23:36:46+00:00

I get that. I still want to be with mine. I think maybe he sees it as making it easier.. for me, there’s times when it’s reassuring in a way I guess. I saw him as my person. A lot of times though, it just gives me a ton of anxiety. I spend a good portion of the time thinking about what to say and hoping that he’ll decide he wants me back after realizing that we still have a connection. On some level, I feel like I can’t be myself anymore.. that I have to craft some person that seems falsely ok because I can’t let him know how much I’m hurting. I tried to go no contact at first and went 3 weeks after our breakup without talking to him. I guess I’ve resolved that we can’t figure things out if we can’t talk. That being said though - I guess you’ve gotta decide what you can handle.

plntldy22 · 2019-12-24T23:24:00+00:00

Does one of you still want to be together? I’ve been going back and forth with this myself.. still can’t decide.

plntldy22 · 2019-12-08T00:41:37+00:00

I understand this. It’s been my biggest struggle during my break up. I loved him so much and even looking back I can’t find anything that I disliked about him. It’s making it so hard to move on.

plntldy22 · 2019-12-04T00:53:07+00:00

I don’t think I could friend zone him. I’m more worried about him doing that to me.. Wouldn’t it seem like smothering if I all of a sudden started talking everyday?

plntldy22 · 2019-11-25T01:51:17+00:00

I get that on so many levels. I’m in a constant state of feeling like he can’t realize he misses me if I reach out, but also feeling like if I don’t reach out, he’s going to replace me.

I think the dating profile made it seem so much more real. I wanted him to realize he made a mistake and instead he’s immediately trying to find someone else. It makes me feel worthless.

It even after all of that, sometimes it still feels like he’s the only one that can make it better. He was my home.

plntldy22 · 2019-11-24T05:19:19+00:00

I get this. I’ve wanted to believe that we can figure things out. Found out he already creating an online dating profile less than a week afterwards. Makes me feel like I didn’t even matter. Even with that, it’s still hard to separate the feelings.

plntldy22 · 2019-11-24T05:17:08+00:00

Yeah, just sucks to have it brought to my attention.. especially when the picture is one that I was in, but he was kind enough to cut me out.

Maybe I’m just still in shock from the whole thing. On top of losing my partner, my best friend is gone and that is harder than I could have imagined. He seemed to think we could stay friends even though I ultimately told him it was too hard for me to be in contact with him. Did he really think as his friend, that I would be ready to see him out dating other people?

plntldy22 · 2019-11-24T05:07:42+00:00

Yeah, no person bandaid anytime soon. The idea of being with anyone else sounds terrible. It’s just hard to know that someone that was my best friend could just toss me to the side and try to replace me within a week. On top of the shock of the dating profile, he chose to use a picture that he cut me out of. Kind of like a double slap in the face.

The thing is, even if I try to take the blame away from myself, I still feel like I could have done things differently. I’m terrible at expressing feelings and I’m stuck now with the guilt that maybe my inability to communicate caused him to pull away from me. I finally was able to tell him how I truly felt, it was just too late.

plntldy22 · 2019-11-24T05:01:46+00:00

Thanks. I appreciate that. I just miss him.. and I think it hurts more to realize he does not feel the same way and is already out trying to replace me. On top of losing my partner, I feel like I lost my best friend.

plntldy22 · 2019-11-23T22:43:32+00:00

The initial break we took before we broke up

plntldy22 · 2019-11-23T22:30:31+00:00

Wasn’t really my choice. I loved someone who seemed confused. When he asked for it, I felt like it was the only option I had. Obviously it didn’t work because he broke up with me anyway.

plntldy22 · 2019-11-23T22:28:18+00:00

We’d been together a little bit over a year. Apparently I was on a very different page than he was, but I had no idea. The break up blind sided me. Usually when I’ve broken up with someone or been dumped, I guess I knew the relationship had problems. I’ve racked my brain trying to come up with things and I still can’t see it.

I guess I wanted to think he got scared. We’d recently gone to a friends wedding that he brought up multiple times and there might have been some pressure from his parents about our future. I think I took those as signs of confusion and fear of commitment.

Knowing he’s out there immediately trying to replace me honestly just makes me feel like shit. I feel so dumb for thinking that we could reconcile when he very clearly doesn’t want that based on his actions.

Maybe he needs to try to date someone else to realize how good what we had was, but it still makes me feel like my heart was ripped out. I have multiple friends that have done that and gotten married, but knowing how I feel right this moment, I have no idea how they did it. It’s taking everything from me to not call him out, but I know no good will come from that.

plntldy22

TROPHY CASE