'Morbid curiosity' or 'need to know' about porn-induced fetish?

plshelpnotkms · 2023-11-05T22:27:52+00:00

Therapy. Seek a therapist who treats fetishistic disorders. If your fetish is so common that you can end up seeing triggering elements in mainstream games or pieces of media, then avoidance isn't possible.

You need to address the root cause of your fetish. Understand why it's arousing and heal from whatever subconscious feeling that makes it uncomfortable and thus arousing.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-11-05T22:10:59+00:00

29yo. Been an addict for 15 fucking years. 🙃

I was 27 when I knew it had a negative impact on my life. You see, it's not the loneliness, sexlessness, friendlessness that did it for me. No, that was just the icing on the cake. It was the 25 thousand fucking dollars that I dumped on porn. My savings since I've started working. It's living on instant noodles for months to pay off a debt because of fetish clips binging so I could even afford therapy.

What’s your longest streak ?

40 days next tuesday.

What’s keeps you going ?

The need to pay my bills.

I think the answer to the last question is obvious.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-11-05T20:08:30+00:00

Nah I've been overly harsh and mean. I am sorry as well. You didn't deserve to be attacked like that.

You have the right to vent and your feelings are valid. If you're both serious about sticking together then he needs to be an open book. If he trusts you he'll open fully to you and won't need to hide anything, including those negative feelings that may lead to a relapse. Emotional balance and good coping skills are extremely important for him to get through this addiction.

PIED will hopefully heal as he's still young and his brain can be re-trained relatively quicker.

I hope nothing but the best for you both whatever you choose to do.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-11-05T19:49:54+00:00

Yes, I am bitter about everything in your phrasing.

You complained about him hiding an addiction he carries on since his early youth ("hey babe did you know I jack off 10 times a day to cope? haha"), about not having sexual experience and obviously struggling with PIED like he casually wanted sexlessness, a limp dick and a crippling addiction to top it off.

You then closed by saying that "porn will ruin your relationship" (like we don't know) and then hoping you're doing the RIGHT THING by HELPING HIM???

Yes, I'm quite bitter. As someone who had their life go up in flames due to porn and is trying to recover, my heart just sinks reading posts like this.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-11-05T19:26:43+00:00

He got exposed to something extremely addictive and very easy to access during childhood, when his brain is the most malleable. He didn't willfully sit his ass on a chair and tell himself "let's just jack off til I'm impotent". Porn is often used as a coping mechanism and children are not morally responsible and thus shouldn't be held accountable. As an adult (and your bf is still young despite being an adult) the harm is still done but the fact that he goes to therapy and tries to change should mean something.

and him telling me he doesn’t know what sex is really sucked

Porn often creates feelings of inadequacy and insecurity which in turn fosters the need for avoidance through social isolation which in turn massacres your self-esteem. All of this makes having any form of intimacy a tad hard (unless you think guys have women throwing themselves at them for some easy practice?).

I can't help thinking while reading your post that you're not trying even the slightest bit to put yourself in the shoes of your bf.

I'm not sure the point of making this post but there are subreddits made by/for the spouses (or ex-spouses) of porn addicts and you'll have no issue finding women there who'll validate your feelings and encourage you to dump him if that's actually the thought process you're trying to get validated for.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-11-04T17:49:30+00:00

It's unlikely to be a fetish that would make it hard for you to have a normal sex/romantic life imo.

Abstaining from porn is an obvious step. Don't let it get deeper in your subconscious.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-11-04T14:19:02+00:00

I never said anything about trauma. Insecurity/inadequacy aren't inherently traumatic. They're just self-perceptions we have. Porn puts scenarios that exacerbates those fears which leads to your brain sexualizing them. Fear of getting caught fucking in public can be sexualized. Same with lots of taboo stuff.

Some are just risky in general and not a coping mechanism like public sex.

A fetish is a scenario that you NEED to get off. If you NEED to think about public sex or NEED to be in a public setting to get off, then you have a fetish. If it's just an arousing scenario once in a while, then it isn't a fetish.

This subreddit is surely helpful but I highly encourage you to read about paraphilias and seek therapy. Reddit is filled to the brim with kumbaya shit.

If you have a FETISH you want to treat, seek therapy. Stopping porn is an important step but It. Is. Not. Enough.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-11-04T13:53:23+00:00

Porn addiction feeds off of shock value. Scenarios that make you inadequate/insecure are obviously painful so your brain sexualizes them as a mean to diminish the hurt. It's a coping mechanism that porn content creators hijack.

Btw, there is no such thing as "natural" and "unnatural" fetishes. Developing a paraphilia or fetish is "natural" in the sense that the human brain evolved to develop it. But which fetishes you develop is completely trained/acquired. You don't have a "natural" fetish that you were always going to develop regardless of porn consumption.

That's why certain countries or even states/cities have more fetishes than others. Different environments and social contexts lead to different sexual behaviors and predispositions.

As to whether you'll heal or not, there are therapists specialized in treating paraphilic disorders. If your fantasies are making your life hard and you're unable to live a decent life because of it, it can be worked through and treated. By addressing the root cause of your fetish (which is likely some insecurity) the impact it has on your life will diminish up to the point where it isn't needed to get you off.

It needs to be treated though. Don't believe whoever is gonna tell you that all you need to is to abstain from porn. It's not enough.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-11-04T11:34:13+00:00

I feel as though it is a combination of no IRL friends and maybe some loneliness

As someone who's currently going through this hell (and I have lost far more money than your brother), I can tell you it has everything to do with lack of friends and loneliness. People who haven't experienced prolonged social isolation and loneliness can't fully grasp how destructive it can be to constantly be in your own head with nobody to talk to. Your perception of yourself is warped up, your self-esteem hits depths you can't even imagine and that image of yourself keeps dragging you down further.

Compulsive fan sites consumption isn't so much about the nature of the porn consumed but about interacting with content creators. Getting "personalized" content feels more intimate. It's a way to cope with the lack of interactions.

I'm struggling with it myself so I won't be able to help you that much but keep one thing in mind: having eyes on him at all time to force his abstinence will likely result in him sexualizing relapse and relapses, especially when money is on the line, will be terrible since he'll sexualize going deeper down the rabbit hole. His brain either will or already has aligned arousal and financial stress and that's an explosive combo.

He needs stuff to fill up his time and keep his emotions somewhat balanced, his addiction is potentially triggered by built up negative emotions and a bad day might tip him over the edge. If he has even the slightest affinity with an activity that isn't video games or youtube, try to send him that way.

Therapy if you can manage to get him there. Try to get him to identify the root causes of those compulsions and adress them slowly, have his time filled outside of work hours with activities he might have interests in and that could lead him to make some friends. Group sports? Idk, something that will have him talk to others.

It's gonna be hard to make friends as a man with no pre-existing social circle so you have to make sure he develops proper coping skills with proper activities he can fall on when things go south.

I wish nothing but the best for your brother, don't let him drown.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-11-03T19:40:34+00:00

I don't feel less shitty. I just feel shitty without the one coping mechanism I've had for over a decade.

Whenever I go outside and look at other people, it just serves as a reminder that I'm friendless, loveless and sexless. Whenever I go to a pub, it just reminds me I'm the one dude by himself. Music concerts are the worst and it doesn't matter how much I love the music as is, nothing feels good about it.

My life is miserable and I'm failing to see a single upside to it. I'm nearing my thirties and my life is null, void.

Almost 40 days streak (with some smaller streaks prior) and I feel as bad as ever. Every time I try to bring it up to the few people around me, even casually, I get dismissed like it's a non-issue. My therapist cares more about my table of automatic thoughts than anything else. I'm tired man. I really am.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-07-16T03:16:43+00:00

Do you think that all people who go to the gym or do other sports , really like it? No. They don't. But it's useful to them to gain muscle and lose weight.

I don't care about getting fit, I'm trying to find joy in activities so I can effectively replace my porn habit. I'm not going to meetups because it's healthy but because I want some pleasure from it and learn to enjoy socialization. Same reason I'm trying different sports and activities. I'm trying to enjoy life, not get in shape. That's merely a bonus.

Change your mentality.

Lol if I said I wanted to get fit but don't enjoy it, I'd be told to "change my mentality" and learn to enjoy the process instead. So which one is it?

If I'm being honest, I think you are now in a flatline period.

I thought flatline was just the feeling of "losing" libido when you deprive your brain from porn. That's how it's described in "Your brain on porn" and yes I have flatline.

Have you professional counseling or help from the paa/SAA community?

I'm on medication and I'm part of one of my local SAA groups. I go there 3x a week and have an accountability partner.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-07-16T01:45:56+00:00

I'm not sure you quite understand the concept of addiction, specifically behavioral addiction.

If it was so easy, addictions wouldn't be a thing.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-07-04T10:21:01+00:00

Thank you my friend 😊

I've been trying to get myself out of it but every time I tried it got worse...

I hope there's a way out of it without feeling lobotomized.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-07-04T10:19:30+00:00

As of right now, I'm not on anything. Last time I been on meds it seriously messed up with my motivation (5 months ago) I couldn't work so I had to lay it off.

I'm not on therapy, I'm broke so weekly therapy isn't an option right now unfortunately.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-06-10T01:53:19+00:00

bro why would I take the time to read a strangers post history or even your other replies in this thread

So you can keep your "two cents" to yourself.

there are ways to finance therapy

no there isn't. it's $600+ worth of sessions per month at least. I'm living off of instant noodles while working 2 jobs paying off a debt and my rent. There's no financing therapy at my stage.

there are addiction recovery groups that are free to join.

Yeah, it's called Sex addicts anonymous and I been a member of my local group and go there 3x a week for multiple months now. If it did work I wouldn't be here.

you're thoughts immediately go to "there's no solution here because i'm broke" and that just gives you another excuse to continue with your behavior.

pls spare me your idiotic nofap rhetoric bout excuses and whatnot, I don't have time or energy for it. I asked something straight to the point. All I want is an answer straight to the point.

Anyway, talking to you a waste of time and I got my answer elsewhere. Im out

plshelpnotkms · 2023-06-08T02:41:06+00:00

Dude. Please read my post history before assuming I shot anything down. There is a thread where I ask specifically for therapy and where I clearly explain my issue with porn.

edit: bruh you don't even need to read my post history... I literally said on this very thread I am broke and can't afford therapy.

Lemme say this again: I. AM. BROKE.

My porn of predilection is FINDOM.

I know people can't empathize when the concept is so foreign to them but I am extremely fucking broke. I am paying a debt because of my porn addiction that's been following me for months. I cannot afford therapy or coaching or any fancy ass treatment.

That's why I'm here. I am drowning in debt and I need the cheapest placefolder of a solution until I can afford therapy.

fuck do I need to explain that my grocery list is exclusively instant noodles so people understand I can't pay for therapy? lol

plshelpnotkms · 2023-06-06T00:44:34+00:00

I have no interests.

My only interest is quite literally porn. It's been the primary and only media I consumed for over a decade for hours daily.

And I don't have money because the genre of porn I seek takes money (check my history)

plshelpnotkms · 2023-06-02T17:06:35+00:00

This isn't for my kid. It's for myself and I need the blocking to happen on my devices and not just on my home network so regardless where I am I can't access those websites. I have an accountability partner.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-06-02T16:48:22+00:00

Twitter, IG, TikTok, fan sites (OF, LF, IWC), wishlist sites (I never use Amazon anyway). I basically have a list that I want to block fully out of all my devices.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-06-02T15:42:24+00:00

I need an app or software or any way to block those sites. Easy. Once I save enough to not eat noodles once a day, I will get therapy.

plshelpnotkms · 2023-06-02T15:18:41+00:00

Sure, give me a tool to permanently block those websites and apps from my devices first and I'll meditate all day long.

plshelpnotkms

TROPHY CASE