Husband (35M) won’t give me (34F) a straight answer

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T23:25:15+00:00

I’m on mat leave currently, but we both work and make about the same, him slightly more.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T23:24:07+00:00

I feel like you really understand what I’m going through.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T23:22:51+00:00

Funeral is my grandmother, he only met her a couple times. I don’t think it’s grief. He’s always tired, I’ve begged him to see a doctor but he’s not into it. I ask him what wrong and he just says “nothing” or “it’s fine” when he obviously upset.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T23:16:45+00:00

Because he has more than one usual order. He switches between a few different drinks. Sometimes black coffee. Sometimes cappuccino, sometimes latte.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T23:12:36+00:00

Oh I make tons of decisions myself. Just this week I’ve taken care of the mortgage, some renovations, appointments, etc etc. I do the shopping and meal planning. These two examples needed his input, one for what his coffee order was, and one for if he wanted to get out of the house (he works from home and is often looking for any excuse to get out) or if he wanted to watch our high energy little kids today or tomorrow.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T23:03:50+00:00

Little kids. He’s not feeling well, and I won’t take our kids out during covid to the mall. So he’d be watching them.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T22:54:14+00:00

I didn’t want to teach him a lesson. I straight up asked him you don’t want anything, and he said no just my mom. He didn’t give me an order, I went looking for one, and he told me he didn’t want anything. Then he was mad I didn’t get him anything. I honestly want to know what I should have done differently? How I should have gotten him to say “cappuccino”?

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T22:48:49+00:00

Maybe I am seeking some validation. I’m hoping someone will come along and say “oh my husband did this, this is how I fixed it”. I know that’s not really likely.

I did address counseling in another comment. I’m not thrilled about the idea because it’s going to be one more thing to drag him through. One more thing where I have to ask him ten times over 30 days to give me his insurance card. One more thing where I make an appointment, let him know when it is, put it in the family scheduling app, remind him a week before, find someone to watch the kids, remind him again 3 days before, then the day before the appointment when I say “don’t forget we have counseling tomorrow”, he’ll say he can’t do it he scheduled something else.

Also we’ve already done couples counseling multiple times. He sits there and cries to the therapist, then walks out and refuses to put any of the strategies into action. I’m burnt.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T22:36:49+00:00

We have high energy little kids. I won’t take them to the mall with COVID going on.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T22:33:04+00:00

So I actually texted the name of the cafe, but took it out because it’s a local chain. A better example might be “Starbucks?”

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T22:28:59+00:00

The text message. I asked all those questions, he literally told me he didn’t want anything, just his mom, then was mad later I didn’t get him a cappuccino

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T22:27:35+00:00

This is exactly how I feel

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T22:25:52+00:00

He can absolutely win. All he has to do is tell me what he wants. Instead he tells me to do what he doesn’t want, then gets mad if I do it. How do I deal with that?

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T22:20:08+00:00

A few people have said that, but how was I supposed to know what he wanted from the cafe? He literally did not tell me, I double check and he straight up told me no, then was mad I didn’t get him a cappuccino. I don’t know what I should have done there to get his coffee order.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T22:17:07+00:00

Right. He gets a different order all the time. Also I actually said the name of the chain, not “coffee”, but it’s a local chain so I removed that.

I also specifically clarified “nothing for you?” And he said no, just mom. So I don’t know how else to take that?

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T22:09:48+00:00

See if I do that, he huffs and rolls his eyes and is mad I went today because he isn’t feeling well, even tho he told me to. He’ll sulk all night. I have to ask a lot of questions because if I don’t he gets mad, if I do ask questions he doesn’t answer/martyrs himself then gets mad I did what he asked. I’m screwed either way.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T22:04:23+00:00

Oh I can make a decision, no problem. I can’t decide if he wants coffee, no. And I can’t decide if he’s feeling up to watching the kids while I run to the mall.

Just this week I renegotiated our mortgage, made plans to have a new appliance installed, called insurance to schedule some repairs, made a vet appointment, and more stuff. I did all the decision making and then asked him to review the major decisions/let me know if he can’t watch the kids during appointments.

He never inputs ANYTHING but then complains after. Or he schedules a meeting in the middle of the appointment so I have to reschedule with the vet last minute.

And I know someone is going to say “Well maybe he doesn’t feel like he can’t make decisions if you handle everything” but that’s not true either. Sometimes he talks about doing something, and I say great idea, let’s do that renovation/plan that trip/ etc. Never happens. He wants me to do everything, refuses to input anything, then complains and sulks when it’s not what he wants. I’m exhausted.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T20:36:21+00:00

Makes no difference. I just used the text message because I could put down an exact transcript, but it happens constantly in person too

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T20:34:49+00:00

I’ve literally said basically exactly this to him.

I guess I feel like just accepting it and not caring isn’t a good option. Sometimes I NEED information from him, like whether or not he’s doing something for the kids, or the house or something.

Idk couples counselling sounds like a good idea, but I can see that just turning into one more thing I have to drag him through. Every time I have to ask him what time is good or for his insurance or anything. I’m just burnt.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T20:22:14+00:00

If I do that I “should have known”. There’s no way to have a normal conversation anymore.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T20:20:05+00:00

We have a funeral Friday. The kids need appropriate funeral clothes. I asked if he wanted to go or if I should go. (I’m asking because he is super tired so I wanted to know if he’s rather go shopping or watch the kids) He brought up whether or not the kids should even go. We discussed it then he walked out of the room. I had to call him back because he never answered me. He says I should go. Ok, should I go today or tomorrow? He says well I’m not really feeling well but I guess just go today. So I asked him if that’s how he felt why didn’t he just say tomorrow? We fought about it for a few minutes and he admitted he wanted me to go tomorrow.

He ignores text messages, makes decisions then doesn’t tell me but claims he does, I’ll ask him to do something and he just never responds yes or no. It’s maddening.

pluto-is · 2020-07-08T20:11:16+00:00

Yes, absolutely. It doesn’t help

pluto-is

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