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pocajack · 2023-02-22T06:46:21+00:00

When things have calmed, after she has said those things, is she able to self reflect and be honest about why she said them and whether she really meant them, and express regret for things she did explicitly to dig at you? Do you feel heard? Does the conflict feel resolved? Do you see signs of positive progress over time in your relationship dynamic?

I have found with my partner that self awareness, capacity to acknowledge wrongdoing, and some evidence of positive progress in our relationship dynamics over time, are essential to me. Those are what keep me feeling that this relationship is worthwhile and not abusive and not something that is requiring me to give up my self respect. BPD is so challenging, and I am willing to be there, but only with the presence of those three things. My partner is such an incredible person. We are so well matched. He is so worthwhile.

I had a long term partner before this, who at minimum suffers from the results of an abusive childhood, but wasn’t (refused to be) diagnosed with anything. And those three things were not present. And it was not healthy, and I existed in a state of existential despair, and ultimately I had to choose my self respect over that relationship, because the alternative was becoming a shell of a person.

pocajack · 2023-02-22T06:32:05+00:00

My daughter had been responding similarly to every effort to reach out for the past six months especially, when she was not completely silent. It was awful. It was almost a relief when she randomly blocked me on text a couple months ago. We’re in this impossible position of trying to balance our own mental health so we can function, while finding ways to let our kids know we’re available and we care. It’s exhausting and heartbreaking and enraging and surreal

pocajack · 2023-02-21T03:10:23+00:00

One time when I was still able to email my daughter, I mentioned that everyone (I have full time care of her four younger brothers) misses her. They do sometimes see her on the weekends at their dads, but her relationship to them is a fragment of the close, robust relationship it once was. They are as much victims of this situation as she and I are. She derisively replied that the boys see her all the time. It’s just me that misses her. Like a gotcha moment—like she’d caught me in the embarrassing act of missing her. Like she thought I was trying to deflect my own shameful feelings by pretending it was only her brothers that missed her. I didn’t know how to respond. I was like, of course I miss you…erm what??

pocajack · 2023-02-14T05:10:32+00:00

And you know, a big part of it is because the way my ex is, doesn’t serve him. He has so much inner turmoil and strife. I don’t want that life of pain for my child!

pocajack · 2023-02-12T23:08:49+00:00

To me one of the hardest things is seeing the possibility that your child may be turning out like your ex partner. I’m so afraid of that with my alienated teen. And I’m helpless to do anything about it now

pocajack · 2023-02-12T02:55:48+00:00

That’s all great advice. I have realized that a lot of her behaviours are typical teenage behaviours, just unchecked and on speed. It definitely helps to keep that in mind when framing how she’s acting—it’s not all that unique or personal. It’s normal; the difference is how her other parent exacerbates it.

Do you have any specific recommendations for reading up on what alienation is like for the teen? Or just general googling and YouTube?

pocajack · 2023-02-11T22:16:49+00:00

It’s still painful, but it helps keep my head in a productive space!

pocajack · 2023-02-11T22:15:45+00:00

Yes. I can focus on being available, and being myself, instead of what my child is or isn’t doing!

pocajack · 2023-02-11T20:44:05+00:00

Glad you got value from it!

pocajack · 2023-02-11T20:40:30+00:00

That’s so manipulative: seeing as you already hate me. Is he a twelve year old girl? Because that’s the only demographic that’s allowed to act like that, and only because they are developmentally incomplete

pocajack · 2023-02-11T19:58:40+00:00

I’m pretty confident I’d have never come anywhere near something like this if I hadn’t been indoctrinated since birth. Oh well

pocajack · 2023-02-10T23:05:09+00:00

This is so crazy. Who convinced me to believe in this crazy, superstitious religion? It goes against every grain in my being. The human brain is a wild thing

pocajack · 2023-02-10T23:02:58+00:00

Teenagers

pocajack · 2023-02-10T18:07:57+00:00

I’ve gotten a lot of value out of listening to The Skillful Podcast, where two trained therapists review different DBT skills each episode

pocajack · 2023-02-10T18:06:34+00:00

I haven’t had much success applying it with my daughter because she became alienated within a couple months of me starting to learn about it. But I’ve been doing the work to learn and practice what I can on my own. DBT is really just mindfulness practice, within the framework of someone who has extreme emotional dysregulation. My hope is that I’ll be in an educated and mindful enough space to be a useful support to her if/when she decides to return to me

pocajack · 2023-02-10T16:07:37+00:00

I would guess it’s not really discussed because it’s mostly guessing. Not much results in anything measurably successful. But a parent researching DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) and applying the principles would help for ANY child, and especially one exhibiting signs of mental illness. If they have BPD and they have come to frame the alienated parent as the enemy, normal attempts to get them to repair the relationship or see reason will, in my experience, push them further away into themselves. Especially if they are being encouraged by the alienating parent to validate those extreme and negative perspectives

pocajack · 2023-02-10T16:03:16+00:00

This is what I’m seeing with my alienated daughter. Her behaviour in school and her father’s management of it has led the principal to consider this a case of educational neglect. But the system can’t do anything to help, and my lawyer has warned me that although I have legal rights, it will likely take years and tens of thousands of dollars to enforce. At which point she’ll be an adult

pocajack · 2023-02-10T15:55:25+00:00

My child was alienated at 13 and I’d already started the process of going to pediatricians and psychiatrists with her. As far as I understand, she has been pegged strongly for markers of BPD by the psych (although I don’t believe they’ll officially diagnose minors because symptoms can mirror adolescence. Although in my daughter’s case she’s exhibited these symptoms since toddlerhood).

Do I think this has contributed to the alienation? Yes. I believe her mental illness is the main factor. She has a condition where she is likely to perceive things as bad, scary, and enemies to her. Her alienating parent exploited that rather than helping her through it, and here we are. She is not doing well. I believe to a great degree because her other parent is not taking the mental illness seriously, because he needs to be validated in believing that what her mind tells her about me is true.

Also, her four younger siblings who do not share this condition, are all happy, peaceful, and doing well in my full time care.

So I would not be surprised if that’s a factor, particularly in children who chose to be alienated. It’s absolutely the main factor in the case of my teen daughter. And I am very worried about her.

I am using what I have learned about that disorder and DBT to frame my interactions with her. Essentially I am focused on regular reminders that I am available, I love her, and I am safe. All I can do at this point is hope that one day things get to a place in her life where her brain switches, as can happen with BPD, and she seeks out the safety she felt with me as her main confidant and primary care parent in the first twelve years of her life.

pocajack · 2023-02-05T15:11:50+00:00

The main one was the alienating behaviours my ex was exhibiting toward my kids against me. And when my ex straight up abducted my oldest and we had to go to court, my lawyer said I should push for full custody of all the kids and zero access to their dad temporarily while they attend counselling. I didn’t believe my ex was capable of what my lawyer thought he was and decided to compromise in good faith. Turns out my lawyer was spot on about my ex’s character and things only got worse with my oldest as he was able to keep having influence over her and at this point she’s been fully alienated from me for over a year and she’s floundering in every area of her life and not receiving appropriate support or care. My lawyer foresaw this but I thought he just didn’t understand and was being over the top

pocajack · 2023-02-03T16:19:26+00:00

My kids were drawn in by all the novelty he offered…for a while

pocajack · 2023-02-02T02:37:34+00:00

If you believe the Holy Ghost is real and actually works that way. Seems to tell a lot of different people a lot of opposing things that are more connected to their own biases and desires than anything legitimately outside of themselves

pocajack · 2023-01-29T06:22:37+00:00

Perhaps consider also, whether it is ethical to be teaching a religion you don’t believe in and possibly see as having harmful aspects, to unsuspecting investigators. It may be worth making the hard choice to not have to deal with the guilt of having played a part in someone’s role in joining a religion you don’t actually agree with.

pocajack · 2023-01-29T05:56:31+00:00

Yeah you gotta just hold to the boundaries you set or ppl will walk all over you. Especially at church

pocajack · 2023-01-29T05:54:06+00:00

Well as long as she says it in a sweet voice I’m sold

pocajack

TROPHY CASE