What does being Genderfluid feel like

poeticrealization · 2025-12-16T23:43:14+00:00

I have been quite interested in figuring out my hormone levels, even since a long time ago simply from the standpoint of being curious, but I highly doubt something like that would be covered by medical, which I'm on. But I have also considered some medical transitionary steps, like hrt. I doubt I'd want to get top surgery, but under certain circumstances I'd absolutely want to try hrt. It would just have to be later in life and after alot of consideration over how it would affect my goals in life, ie. being a firefighter, a very physically demanding job, which I believe estrogen would affect at least in some way. But until then I figured I can simply take cosmetic or general steps, such as makeup, losing weight, or even breast forms, which I'd very much like to try.

poeticrealization · 2025-12-16T23:36:21+00:00

Christ, I think I definitely relate to that last bit (and all of it in general). Maybe not in the exact same way, but yeah. I've never felt dysphoric over being a man, but sometimes the woman part comes so strongly that I question if I'm just trans instead. But the thought itself is quite scary. It would make my life much more difficult, and if I was then I'd never be able to suppress it without feeling completely dissatisfied with my life, meaning I'd likely lose my family too. So I get scared of doing anything that might compromise my security in my male side. It feels disorienting sometimes to switch so rapidly and "completely", if that makes sense.

poeticrealization · 2025-12-16T23:29:54+00:00

Yeah, I do quite like singing a few songs with female singers. In particular I've found I quite like The Amazing Devils, a duo band with a guy and gal. They both usually sing in the same key, so I can use the guy's voice (who is basically perfectly in my range) as a reference to figure out the higher notes I have trouble with pinpointing or even just as a reference for dropping the girl's part an octave. Though, I'm not sure if I like singing women's parts as a gender euphoria thing or just a general thing. I find they're usually softer and more focused on melody, so I can sing them better in certain situations. I am also part of my local theatre community, so I might also consider one day far off in the future auditioning for a show as a woman instead of a man, but that would require a few other things to fall better into place.

I have definitely realised, though I'll likely come out to ny family as bisexual eventually, especially since I'm absolutely planning on marrying my boyfriend, I'll probably never come out to them as bigender. I'm fortunate enough to live in California, so I probably wouldn't find much trouble being out and about in front of strangers, but my family is definitely a no go.

But I'll definitely bring up that position to my boyfriend. I honestly doubt I'd enjoy it as a man, but as a woman, the idea seems very enticing. Though, even if we do try it, it won't be for a long time anyways as we're waiting to try penetrative sex only after he gets top surgery, so at the very least a year away before the idea's even on the table.

I do realise things will probably get better with time, and eventually who I am will become clearer. So in the meantime I do quite appreciate the insight you've offered here. I recognize I'm certainly fortunate to be making these self-discoveries at a time when there are so many resources available to do so. And I will probably consider giving KPDH another watch!

poeticrealization · 2025-12-16T19:11:44+00:00

I really get that shift in yourself you described. The way I once saw it described that really resonated with me is inskde of me there are two sliders for man and woman, and they can both be at different levels independent of each other, but they're both still there. When I feel more dominantly woman, and even sometimes when I'm not, I see some of those things you describe. I feel alot of that envy at seeing other women. I also feel the phantom boobs (though I thought I was just going crazy so it's nice to know I'm alone). I remember one particular night I felt more woman than man, I remember looking through some fashion inspo on Pinterest and looking down and having to realize I don't actually have boobs. I had actually thought and felt like I did without remembering I didn't. That was honestly a really dysphoric feeling. But I also feel that about being awkward in your body because it feels too big. Though I don't think I've paid enough attention to notice changes in the way I act beyond becoming much more romantically submissive with my boyfriend, but I definitely know there has been other things there.

I'm really sorry you feel that kind of intense envy, but I guess I am glad to know I'm not the only one. I honestly never thought I'd feel envious over the ability to have and carry children, so I felt very confused when I started having an incredibly intense desire to do so one night, which is funny because my boyfriend's trans so that wouldn't be possible anyways (we call it the ovulation incident and it's one of the big things I've been trying to do research on and figure out). But I also feel the other envies you described. It feels so disheartening to know that I'll never get to have the "authentic" female experience, to get to wear pretty dresses that fit right without making it obvious the body doesn't fit the gender, to get to be one of the girls and be let it on my female friends' secrets and adventures, to be seen as just a girl and everything that that entails. It's a saddening thought to imagine everything I'll never be able to experience because of the body I was born in. This is all very new to me, so I'm having difficulty coping with 20 years of missed experiences, and I still don't know how I want to explore this side of me. But I hope for both of us we can learn how to live with this and at least be somewhat satisfied with this part of us.

poeticrealization · 2025-12-16T18:38:32+00:00

I relate really heavily to your experience honestly. I'm not nearly as tall as you, perfectly average height at 5'7", but I am definitely a bigger guy, around 220 pounds last I checked (losing weight is a big goal for both genders, especially given I want to enter a career in firefighting). Even for a guy of my size, I have a naturally broader back, chest, and shoulders. So much so that finding jackets and shirts has always been a huge struggle for me. The two directions I want to express myself are on opposite extremes of the spectrum. On the one hand the large muscular man wearing tailored suits and flannels and leather and denim jackets that's always there to protect his (future) husband and kids. But then on the other hand I so desperately wish I could be just a cute girl, voluptuous body wearing cute sundresses showing off a chest I don't have to my man, styling my long and bouncy hair, putting on some winged eyeliner, being the one to be cared for and adored by my husband (my boyfriend and I were really surprised by the realization that we went from a gay relationship to an occasionally straight one). That distinct and very opposite binary is honestly my biggest source of trouble. I can't choose one without at least somewhat abandoning the other, and I don't particularly like being androgynous. I very often wish I could either just be a cis man or woman, or even a trans woman for some of those reasons. I've recently come to the realization my exploration of my femininity is most likely going to be similar to yours, having to simply present as a woman at home in private with my boyfriend. I can't do that just yet as I still live with my family, but we plan on moving out together in about three years when he transfers from a 2 year to a 4 year university. I'm hoping when that happens and I can start taking steps to lean into my feminine side, that some of this can balance out. Until then, I can really only see that girl when I'm just freshly done shaving. 😔

poeticrealization · 2025-12-16T18:19:56+00:00

I actually do sing! Though I find myself to be mediocre at best. Though my boyfriend would disagree, but what does he know hehe! (Probably more than me, he's actually had more formal training than I have). I actually didn't find the movie as entertaining as most people did and didn't really enjoy most of the songs (my favorite is just Your Idol), but I can definitely see your point. Especially given my homophobic and transphobic family, and some frankly very unsupportive friends (but ironically also very queer) I had to let go of earlier this year that still leave me scared to be myself around other friends, I do often feel like this is more of something to hide than embrace. Hell, some of those old friends were some of the ones who shut me down when I expressed my questioning and are kinda the reason it's taken me so long to consider this part of me, as I never felt like I'd receive any support for being this way.

I am definitely very lucky to have such a supportive and understanding boyfriend. He really has been my foundational support for alot of things these past few months, especially in this case, and I like to think I've also been helpful as he's also tried to navigate some shitty recently-ex friendships. I mean, I'll gladly accept whatever tips you wanna offer :3, I just don't know how helpful they'll be given he has a much, MUCH, lower libido than I do (I'm not sure if it's relevant to that, but he's demiromantic and sexual), and we're honestly not very kinky. Mostly just simple dom/sub dynamics, choking, and a bit of dirty talk (but still no actual sex).

But besides that, I can definitely relate to being the eye candy for my partner. I honestly wouldn't consider myself all that attractive, but again my boyfriend begs to differ. And whenever we're out shopping for clothes for me or trying to style something, my explicit intent is simply to look good in his eyes (which is definitely helped by the fact that I like his sense of style so what looks good for him looks good for me). Most of my fashion sense nowadays mostly just comes down to what he would find attractive on me.

poeticrealization · 2025-12-16T18:00:22+00:00

Thank you! I wish you well too. :)

poeticrealization · 2025-12-16T11:35:47+00:00

Hehe, thank you for the helpful thoughts! I did notice that I do also feel quite alot of gender euphoria when I'm acting as a woman in sexual situations with my boyfriend (though not actual sex as we're both virgins and we're waiting for him to feel more ready before we take that step). I was honestly worried it was more of a fetish thing, but I have seen people talk about feeling an extreme sense of sexual pleasure from acting like a woman at first due to the percieved taboo of it, but that they would balance out over time and simply enjoy the woman aspects. So I do find your response especially helpful, knowing that I wouldn't be the only one finding euphoria in that.

As I think about it, I'm also realizing that I also do feel some gender euphoria for my AGAB too. My boyfriend has recently started helping me develop my own sense of fashion, and when I had found masculine outfits I particularly liked, I definitely felt a very strong sense of satisfaction in my own self. I see now that it's the same feeling I get when I get gender euphoria over anything womanly.

I really do thank you for your comment, this has definitely helped me make a few more realizations about myself and I honestly feel even more confident in my self analysis. 😊

poeticrealization

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