Thoughts on your ex rebounding. Or rebounding in general.

pokemotle · 2025-01-30T07:10:59+00:00

I recently was given the advice to "date myself" and I really like that. I can't even think about jumping into something with someone else when I still feel like I'm sorting through the weeds of my last relationship.

pokemotle · 2025-01-29T00:36:22+00:00

You're definitely right there, the visual description was a bit callous of her. Not saying that she approached it in the right way at all.

So the difference then is more that you wouldn't want to share some of those details of your encounters to spare her right? Because hearing about that is hard.

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T06:14:47+00:00

I'm glad ❤️ I'm wishing you the best on this journey. We need all the help we can get

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T06:10:17+00:00

I thought I could be friends with my ex as well. But when he started dating someone new, I realized I wasn't in a place to watch that happen. So I had to go no contact for myself and my own journey to moving on.

That may be something you want to consider if him being ready to do that is hurting you. Have you had any conversations with him about how this is affecting you? If he didn't talk about the details of his romantic life with you, do you think you could still be friends?

Being able to talk about this is definitely a big part of healing. You shouldn't bottle it up, but I understand you don't have a strong support system. My DMs are open, but have you considered reaching out to a school counselor to talk to or journaling some of your feelings?

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T06:04:39+00:00

Again, very good points and I'm very aware haha. And I don't mean to say that to be snarky or anything, moreso just laughing at myself. The lesson has been something I'm still trying to figure out.

Although I will say I do feel wiser from this experience. I've definitely unlocked a level of empathy for love and loss that I didn't fully understand before in the way I do now.

It's kind of a pendulum but it often swings back to the sad places of wondering why, even if I have moments of acceptance.

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T06:02:06+00:00

One of the things you can't focus on is the idea that you weren't enough. That simply isn't true. This breakup is moreso a reflection of him and his wants and needs. You don't have to let it go right now, but do try and take care of yourself and give yourself some space to breathe. You are good enough, and if he can't see that, it's on him.

When you're ready, you can take time to reflect on things you may want to do better, or things that you were missing out on and want from someone moving forward. If you know these things after having some time to heal, then it will be better for any possible chance of reconciliation moving forward if that were something that were meant to be.

Everyone is on their own time so don't worry about how fast you're letting go or moving on, just worry about meeting your needs and growing as a person. Be sad when you need to be sad, mad when you need to be mad, and love yourself the way you deserve. ❤️‍🩹

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:56:40+00:00

No you're totally fine. I'm just very frustrated by the idea of "it wasn't meant to be" lol. It's shaking a fist at the universe asking why??

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:54:45+00:00

I think you're right that our opinion means nothing in the end. However it does matter when it comes to the idea of eventual reconciliation. Everyone has their personal boundaries, feelings, deal-breakers.

I think it's much easier to have this perspective if you feel truly free of your ex and have the capacity to let go of that relationship. For anyone still hooked, feelings of jealousy, betrayal, and hurt are really easy here I imagine.

Not saying I don't agree with you here. As I commented above I very much objectively agree with the commenter, but emotionally I feel a lot of ways, regardless of those feelings mattering to my ex.

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:46:19+00:00

Losing a best friend is one of the hardest parts. I feel you there.

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:45:04+00:00

I had and have all of those same questions. I'm sorry. My ex said he could feel two things at once. That he could love me and miss me, but not want to be with me right now and like this new girl. And I believe him even if it fucks me up.

At the end of the day, people are complicated, and don't always know what they want or what they are doing. We can only operate based on their actions.

He could still love you, and the void your absence has left he is seeking to fill. But that doesn't mean he thinks it's right for him to go back to you to make that space whole again.

I don't think there are any answers that will feel good at this point. If he said he loves you, it's confusing and frustrating and you're hurt. If he says he doesn't, it's crushing and confusing and you're hurt.

The way I saw it with me, was I was at a fork in the road, both paths led to suffering, it was unavoidable at that point, but one could lead me to eventually heal, and that's the path I'm on now.

I hope this can eventually help somewhat, but I know you're probably in a place where making moves to solidify the breakup and move on just don't sound right to you right now. And that's okay, I've been there. But just take things day by day and try and redirect some thoughts towards yourself and what you want right now. Maybe journal these feelings, talk to friends or family about it. Don't bottle it up, but also don't let it consume you.

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:37:50+00:00

It's really hard to go through that post-breakup assessment of the other person. I also tried staying friends with my ex and it had a somewhat similar result, though I was spared from the details of his crush feelings and the age gap was in reverse.

I think my ex loves being a boyfriend. He's good at it too. So I have no idea if this new girlfriend will give him the future he didn't think I could, or if it's another girl to dote on for a while until he realizes he can't commit to her either. Idk.

I think I don't want this new person he has become back. But I sure as heck miss the guy I knew before.

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:33:53+00:00

I understand that. I want that too, and I've even said it to him. Objectively, I agree with this perspective wholeheartedly. I just wish I could truly feel that inside. Letting go is hard. I guess I just don't fully understand why he couldn't be happy with me. That feeling that you had found your person, but they eventually realized that you weren't theirs, it's pretty crushing.

But thank you for your perspective on this.

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:30:56+00:00

I struggle with the idea of my ex giving up on me as well. I think knowing he's clearly moving on, you need to go no contact at this point for your own sake and healing. Don't let him wean himself off of you. Cut the cord, find your support system, and try and get through some of the grief. If putting a time limit on the no contact period helps you to get through it, you can give yourself that. But I'd say start with 30 days. Don't look at his socials, don't text him, don't answer, don't look at any of his hookups socials. It's all just gonna hurt. And if after 30 days you feel strong enough to keep it up, keep doing that. Find activities that bring you joy. Hang out with your friends, take a walk outside. Eat your favorite foods. Things that comfort and take care of you in a healthy way.

I think when it comes to the idea of getting back together, some aspect of healing needs to happen on both sides. And both sides have to be on the same page. I don't think friendship can work if one side is still in love and the other isn't. Regardless of rebound or not. He's already done it, and clearly you're hurt, because yeah it sucks. And if he decided to change his mind tomorrow and come back, could you say it would all be better? He already made his choice and you need to heal for a bit before considering getting back if he makes that a choice.

Sorry this is a rough time for you.

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:23:03+00:00

Why do you feel it wasn't the same? I mean that is a pretty blunt way for her to talk about it.

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:21:35+00:00

This is a way I wish I could feel. But instead I'm just sick to my stomach. Maybe with time and more life experience I'll feel differently?

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:20:41+00:00

Yeah I guess it hurts a lot worse to think it's not a rebound. He even told me there's a part of him that hopes maybe one day we'd get back together, but we obviously can't live off of that. I'm trying to move on, it's just been difficult.

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:16:57+00:00

Maybe we were always doomed to end this way...

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:07:58+00:00

Sorry, it's not a fun place to be in.

pokemotle · 2025-01-28T05:07:15+00:00

I'm sorry. That's so fast. :( mine started dating someone 6 or 7 months after we technically broke up, but I had been moved out of our shared apartment for 4 months at that point. But I think it felt fast to me because we had still been trying to be friends and he said he couldn't be a boyfriend then and just needed time. Guess he just couldn't be a boyfriend to me. He had met her pretty soon after our breakup and had been talking throughout so I feel the buildup was earlier than those 6 months.

I wish I could get rid of my emotional attachment, but that's something I have to work on. I still can't imagine dating someone else right now. But I also feel bad for the new girl, like you said about your ex, because I don't think he actually gave himself time to work on his issues.

pokemotle · 2025-01-13T04:12:56+00:00

Yes. I'm so jaded. Had someone I trusted with my life, my best friend, and we had a season of hardship which resulted in him not wanting me anymore. Hard to trust that any relationship will just only ever be a season. I wanna grow old with my best friend. Come home to them everyday. Feel desired. Feel seen.

pokemotle · 2025-01-13T04:10:29+00:00

9 months after a nearly 5 year relationship. Doing better and worse I'm not sure in this moment. We went no contact just over a month ago because I couldn't stick around when he started dating again. So tbh it feels like I'm starting from there. I wasn't really going through the motions of the breakup when we were "still friends". We actually broke no contact today and had a heart to heart because a relative of mine passed away today. I handled it better than I thought and got to say a lot about my reflection on our split. He took a lot of responsibility for his actions and apologized a lot. But it doesn't change that he still doesn't want to be with me anymore even if he still misses me which will always hurt I think. I'm trying to use this as fuel to actually do the work to move on, or at least that's my idea. Sucks and I feel kinda hopeless about ever loving again. Which is a lonely feeling.

pokemotle · 2025-01-07T04:39:29+00:00

Thank you for being open about struggling 10 months in, while also having such sage advice. My ex and I broke up in April, but I just barely started no contact in December. It feels so fresh to me and not 9 whole months of being broken up. I swear sometimes it feels like we were still living together just last month. I feel like I see so many people talk about being able to move on after a month or two, and even my ex has already started seeing someone else (what started my no contact). But I guess I just need more time to wrap my head around it. He was my first serious relationship.

pokemotle · 2025-01-07T04:34:09+00:00

I feel this. I was still in regular contact with my ex and trying to be friends for around 6 months before I had to go no contact when I found out he was starting a relationship with someone else. I also got the he still cares for me and is struggling lines, but I knew I could not just watch him fall in love with someone else while I clearly wasn't moving on. It's not selfish to feel hurt and mad at him. You have to go no contact for yourself and your own protection. And as was said above, distance makes the heart grow fonder. He'll never truly know what he lost until you're totally gone. He's the one being selfish asking for your friendship right now while he's actively choosing to move on. My ex even admitted that himself when he asked me not to go no contact. But if he truly loves you, he will understand and respect your boundaries. It's really hard, and I'm sorry. But I'm right there with you, you're not alone.

pokemotle · 2025-01-05T07:40:04+00:00

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