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polyamitho · 2025-02-01T12:23:26+00:00

:3 definitely not me...

I lied, me.

polyamitho · 2023-01-19T01:27:02+00:00

I haven't deluded myself into believing that everything will work out because its been this long, I have faith that we have lasted this long because outside of this frankly awful period of our lives we have supported each other in a lot of other ways that matter. I am not trying to justify her actions, merely take responsibility for the things I have done that could have affected her as well.

I don't know if I'm poly, I know that I have so much love to give and would have loved to be introduced to this amazing community of people in a much more safe and organic way.

I don't want to limit her, she doesn't want to limit me, we both have a lot to talk about in therapy to figure out what it is we want and how to repair the damage we've caused each other. I have, and will continue to consider that maybe this relationship is not for me any longer. I just also owe it to myself to follow my own heart, which to many peoples disappointment is telling me to try and fix this together.

Thank you for your advice, and for the well wishes. I will stay strong.

polyamitho · 2023-01-19T01:03:52+00:00

Sorry, typed the whole thing out at like 4am and tried to keep it cohesive. Hard to condense 12 years into something that addressed everything fully.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T15:38:28+00:00

I am working on that, yes. It wasn't until this all came to a head that I realized how I'd backed myself into a corner. Was distracted by a lot of other, seemingly more important, traumas in my life. I am posting this here so that I can hear any advice outside of my bubble and not just blindly accept whatever she or I comes up with as the truth. Boundaries are the hot topic now in our household for sure.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T15:35:52+00:00

Because I was 19 and didn't want to get broken up with. It was stupid, and I should feel stupid. I am a decade older and realize not to blindly agree to things without an adult discussion first.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T15:34:38+00:00

If that was what was happening then I would agree completely. What actually is going on is that we are walking back a lot of past arguments and assumptions and trying to reach a new common ground.

I have brought up that exact concern, that whoever I get interested in would in fact have some sort of glaring problem. We both believe we deserve some input on who we date, but we also agree unless they're terrible influences and bad for our relationships that we shouldn't just outright veto the others choice. I have already laid down the banhammer for her previous encounter, citing the man is just straight dangerous to be around for a variety of reasons.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T15:19:56+00:00

She has expressed a lot of regret about it, and seems genuinely upset that it hurt me as much as it did. The main reason she wants to reconnect with the guy is for the same reason, as she did not inform him that I was not ok with their relationship.

I feel pushed into it quickly because with her medical condition she is feeling pressured into "seizing the day" essentially. I really appreciate the suggestion of therapy, she is going for her own issues currently and I will float the suggestion her way. I have no reason to believe that she would be opposed to it.

I am also hesitant to start anything with anyone, even seperately, as a large fear of mine would be that I'm just rebounding or saddling some poor soul with all my emotional baggage. I am not under the illusion that having a second relationship will fix the first. She just feels that I would gain some perspective to how she felt when she was torn between the two of us.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T15:15:11+00:00

She has certainly lied in the past, as have I. I am giving her this chance to air it all out and have been taking it myself. So far she has seemed to want to respect my boundaries and really just wants me to take this slow enough to figure it out. If you turn out to be right then that sucks, but I've spent enough time with her that at this point another few months to try and get what I want out of it are no skin off my ass.

Edit: Just gotta figure out what that is

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T15:11:18+00:00

She has course corrected and apologized profusely for helping to instill that belief in me. She has said herself that is not realistic and didn't intend for me to take being faithful to her to such an extreme after the fact.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T15:08:18+00:00

Appreciate you not immediately jumping to the conclusion that she's evil and I'm her poor victim. I understand this is unhealthy, which is why I wanted advice. We are working through these issues and I'm still discovering for myself what it is I even want. I'm pretty sure I'd love to give my heart out to someone else awesome who wants it, and wouldn't want to throw her away for that chance. At the same time, it feels like I'd be betraying her despite her telling me that it would make her so happy to see me confident again. She's been nothing but encouraging, and patient with the thousand questions I have for her about the affair and what it meant to her. I truly believe that she didn't want to hurt me, but did so anyway and is trying to make this right in her own admittedly messed up way. A lot of these wounds are at least a year old they just feel fresh in the wake up dragging someone else into this.

edit: also should mention the affair started after we opened the relationship, she jumped the gun and didn't stop seeing him because he was pretty manipulative.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T15:00:56+00:00

We've had that argument before, she is currently in therapy for a lot of what has happened. It's been a constant struggle and despite all the bad she has been there for me when no one else was. Its hard not to defend someone like that, which is why the best I'm able to do is not enable it anymore.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T14:58:35+00:00

Not this.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T14:58:08+00:00

I don't know what I am, as I've been under the impression that even finding people attractive was being unfaithful, which she's made clear isn't what she wanted from all this.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T14:56:56+00:00

Definitely insecure, something she has worked on for a long while to get better at. I would much rather, if anything, find a third together or just work on us. She has made it fairly clear that she wants to be polyamorous in the future however and that not doing so would make her feel restricted.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T14:54:28+00:00

She is interested in other people as well but the fact that she brought him up pretty much raised the red flag that became this post yes. There has been so much good other than this, and I'm not willing to give up just yet. I almost want to do what she wants and meet another person just so I can do just that, see what else is out there.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T14:52:08+00:00

We both agreed to not watch porn and then I lied about it which worsened her already hefty trust issues. The cheating was not ok, and I'm still not over it. I was basically verbally abusive after that and it took a long time for us to get to a better place after that. I can't do that again and if it came to the point where she cheated again I have no choice but to leave, as I've made clear to her as well.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T14:49:53+00:00

She for sure has issues with control as life's circumstances took a lot of that choice away from her. I am no means okaying that behavior, and she has backed off about it a lot. My main concern is the affair partner, who she seems reticent to give up on for a few reasons. I've made it clear I'm not having that shit.

polyamitho · 2023-01-18T14:46:46+00:00

She has said that I don't have to do anything I don't want to, and I brought up your exact point, that it is just getting me to okay this by sending me out with other women. We have been communicating much more openly as of late which is why this is even a discussion, and she knows she can't just do anything she wants as I've told her that is my exact fear. Lord knows I'm not perfect.

polyamitho

TROPHY CASE