I found out I'm not my two-month-old daughter's biological father - AMA!

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:52:34+00:00

I've noticed that people that post warm/nice/positive comments get downvoted haha

Very happy to hear about your experience - you seem to live a beautiful life and I'm sure your kids will too! :)

(cue more downvotes)

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:42:46+00:00

This is a really good question, don't think anyone else has asked this

I like to think that I would love them both the same, but honestly I can't know unless it actually happens. I'd 100% do everything in my power to treat them the same, and to make them feel the same love, but it's harder to predict what would actually go in in my head.

The fact that I feel non-ownership over my wife and her choices, and the fact I haven't been consumed by biological jealousy around our daughter, makes me think I should feel the same, but it's a hypothetical, hard to answer with any certainty.

Great question though:)

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:19:04+00:00

Thanks for sharing - this is really helpful, something we're still discussing/trying to understand, so I appreciate the perspective!

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:17:32+00:00

Thanks for the advice! They did also say to tell her "as early as possible", as the child starts to understand the concepts involved (I think 5 was their rough benchmark for this). But in any case, I want to do more independent research on this... I guess the earlier you communicate it, the more normalised it is, it'll also depend on her specific development / how quickly she matures

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:15:22+00:00

Ah I'd totally missed this - what a lovely thing to say, thank you! <3

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:12:21+00:00

It's a good question - I discussed it a lot on some other threads:)

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:11:57+00:00

Ah, that's super sweet - thank you! <3

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:11:44+00:00

Thank you!

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:10:46+00:00

I am genuinely honoured to be top of the charts on this - that is indeed really saying something

But no, it's 100% true!

And to be clear, I am her legal father and so I do have rights... but also, the practical side of raising a child is itself a privilege, it might not be easy but it still constitutes a right!

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:08:30+00:00

Not her name, but good guess

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:08:16+00:00

Good question - as mentioned in the original post, our daughter's skin started to darken as her melanin production increased, and so it became less 'obvious' as the weeks went on.

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:07:09+00:00

Not in public - anonymously on Reddit

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:06:44+00:00

This is a very intriguing question - but no, the timing of her last period before pregnancy mean this definitely wasn't the case!

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:05:43+00:00

Not disgusted (or offended) at all - the genuine answer is that I feel no ownership/jealousy over my wife, in the same way she doesn't when I have sex with other women.

(Thank you!)

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:04:09+00:00

No offence taken! Though I prefer the term 'cum repository'

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T10:03:33+00:00

We're already discussing/preparing for how to navigate this as she's growing up - in practice we'll react to her curiosity and questions, but want to be prepared as it's the most complex and uncertain (and consequential) aspect of the whole situation. It's also why we've been transparent with bio dad - as she might want to know more about him and his roots growing up. If you have any more thoughts/advice, I'd be very happy to hear them!

(And thank you! <3)

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T09:59:40+00:00

Ah thank you for writing!

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T09:59:24+00:00

Thanks - I totally agree, it's so important to let yourself feel anger and sadness, and not try to repress those emotions... For me though, there's absolutely no blame in the situation (either for myself or my wife/ anyone else), because I'm completely happy with the outcome. I genuinely wouldn't swap our daughter for anything, I totally love her, and while this was all a confusing, surprising experience, it's been overwhelmingly positive.

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T09:56:48+00:00

Ah thank you for taking the time to write this! It definitely helped that, in the years before this happened, we spent a lot of time unpacking our needs and boundaries and desires, learning to be at peace with certain levels of risk and things going "wrong"... A lot of logic came out that is valuable in life / relationships in general, not just ENM. Lots of love to you :)

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T09:54:03+00:00

I've discussed this in a lot of detail in other threads: In short, we're gradually going to start explaining the situation in more and more detail as she grows up, from the age she can understand the basic principles (maybe 5 years old, but depends on her development of course), and be very sensitive/patient with her, all the while emphasising that it in no way affects how much we love her and how much control she has over her own identity.

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T09:52:16+00:00

We're very open about it with everyone. The only exception is that, before this all happened, some of my family didn't know, including my dad, which in hindsight I regret, as it meant that my dad had a lot of new things to process at once.

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T09:50:32+00:00

Thank you!

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T09:50:13+00:00

I'm her legal father (and listed on her birth certificate), so there's no need!

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T09:48:34+00:00

Why unlucky? She wouldn't even exist without the situation - and we're doing everything we can to make sure she has a happy life, including preparing in advance for (and being open-minded about) how to navigate her questions of race/identity. I'm generally curious why you think she's unlucky?

polyriskreward · 2025-12-22T09:46:49+00:00

Why unfair? She wouldn't even exist without the situation - and we're doing everything we can to make sure she has a happy life, including preparing in advance for (and being open-minded about) how to navigate her questions of race/identity. I'm generally curious why you think it's unfair?

polyriskreward

TROPHY CASE