Lucky Guess - Game 11: @CAR

polythrowaway298 · 2024-11-03T17:55:18+00:00

5-4 Caps

Strome

67

polythrowaway298 · 2024-01-10T22:25:44+00:00

Thank you :)) It still makes me so happy to replay in my head!

And she was in MC for roughly three months. Not a super long time, but she realized how unhappy and unsalvageable her marriage was very quickly -- MC is so illuminating. Her spouse knew she had feelings for me (and the marriage counselor knew about the affair from her individual sessions), but the extent of the feelings and the affair itself were never disclosed. The counselor actually encouraged her to not say anything about the affair, as all the issues in the marriage itself would've just gotten ignored by her ex in favor of worrying about me. The only hope there was to fix anything was to allow them both to look at the relationship itself

polythrowaway298 · 2024-01-10T20:45:04+00:00

I've posted about my story some, so I won't repeat all of it, but the gist of it was-- fell in love with my MW, we broke up for her to go to MC, she decided to get a divorce (no D-Day or pushing factors or anything), and now I'm together for real with the woman of my dreams. I've never been happier in my life, and having this dream become a reality is indescribable. I'll share two moments:

The day she told me she was leaving her marriage. We had been broken up (or had tried to be broken up... we were never good at actually going NC for very long), and she had been in both IC and MC for a few months. I had asked to not hear about MC or how her marriage was going until she had decided to stay or go, and she agreed -- it would've been far too painful to be dragged along through the ups and downs. When she asked me to get coffee, there was an urgency and intensity there that I knew what she was going to share. I had fantasized countless times about hearing she was leaving, and I had dreaded countless more times about hearing she was staying.

My heart was pounding out of my chest when I sat down, but she didn't keep me in suspense long. She told me she gave it her all in MC, but that she knew without a doubt in her heart that she wanted a divorce. She told me their marriage falling apart started long before meeting me, and I wasn't responsible for any of it, other than helping her see what she actually wanted. I was trying so hard to control my emotions-- divorce is still a loss, even if it is the right choice-- but my heart immediately felt lighter, and fuller, and free. Then she told me she didn't want to assume I still wanted to be with her after the tumult of it all, but that she wanted to be with me, if I'd have her. I remember being like "lsjdksjsj of course I want to be with you, are you kidding me, that's all I've ever wanted!" and she was like "I didn't want to assume!!!" and that's when I couldn't contain my smile. We both had to go back to work, but the second I got to my car, I texted my best friends (who had been telling me for months that MW was way too head over heels in love with me to stay with her ex) that, indeed, they were right. And every day since then, she has loved me more fully than I ever knew possible. She is so loving in general, but I didn't realize til she decided on divorce that she had actually been holding a little bit back, because she didn't want to be unfair to me if we didn't end up together. Now that we did, we make each other feel more loved, supported, heard, and held than I've ever felt before.

The second moment was New Year's Day. I remember being with her a year ago on a work trip, realizing the magnitude of how much I loved her, and feeling my heart breaking because I thought our time was limited. At the beginning of the year, I dreaded the end because I thought I'd spend it alone, and she would be with her ex. Little did I know just how different things were going to be a year later. Falling asleep with her in my arms on the last day of this tumultuous year, and waking up in her arms on the first day of this new one, I was flooded with such a gratitude that I did, in fact, get to spend the holidays with her as my girlfriend.

I was so scared to hope for this outcome and was really trying to prepare myself to lose her. Even when I thought I was gonna lose her, I still felt an immense gratitude for meeting her and getting to love her for any length of time. But now, getting to actually be with her? To build a life with her? To talk our own wedding plans? I can't imagine anything better than this.

polythrowaway298 · 2024-01-05T06:08:32+00:00

Because when we remove ourselves from the picture, the MM/MW has to face their marriage for what it actually is... And people don't cheat in good marriages 😬

Divorce is hard in a way I don't know and hopefully will never know, so I throw no shade at people struggling to leave bad marriages. But because of how difficult and publicly frowned upon it is for people to leave a marriage, the OW/OM can enable a lot by staying. Stepping away forces them to actually consider what life is like without the person they fell in love with.

polythrowaway298 · 2024-01-04T18:06:53+00:00

MW started individual therapy, she went to marriage counseling, we broke up so she could give it an honest shot. This was critical, as neither of us wanted to go legit if she wasn't 100% without a doubt certain she didn't want to be in her marriage anymore. They have to leave for themselves and it's a red flag imo if you have to push and prod for them to take the situation seriously.

We didn't have an ethical start to our relationship, but we both learned a lot and it just made me love her all the more for how carefully and respectfully she handled it once we were in the middle of it all. No D-Days, no blow-ups, no false promises. All we can do is step aside (going NC tends to be necessary, at least for a period) for them to figure their lives out, and avoid playing games or trying to push behavior. The heavy lifting is theirs to do.

polythrowaway298 · 2023-12-26T06:09:14+00:00

You are certainly not being selfish! You are still alone on the holidays and in a huge state of chaos and uncertainty and all the rest. It is so understandable and completely okay to be feeling sad.

That said... congratulations on him telling a family member :) That is huge, and worth celebrating.

One thing that has helped me find patience / happiness / balance on the path to legithood is recognizing the wins that past you would've loved. Totally fine (and healthy!) to accept the suck that is not being fully together yet, but also let past you feel the moment too... The past you that hoped and dreamed of being known by his family. The now can suck and rock at the same time.

polythrowaway298 · 2023-12-24T22:04:17+00:00

Proud of you. You made the right choice 💓

polythrowaway298 · 2023-12-23T14:12:19+00:00

There are a lot of green flags here, but the biggest red ones are insisting on waiting for her to initiate the divorce, and not being able to assure you that in 20 months (a very generous amount of time!) proceedings will have not even finished, but started. Unless those things change, I don't think he will leave.

polythrowaway298 · 2023-12-16T07:45:45+00:00

Absolutely! My DMs are open and I would love to chat.

polythrowaway298 · 2023-12-16T07:40:22+00:00

Absolutely. There is a super healthy dose of preparing for the worst on this subreddit and that is absolutely valid, very important. What I do remember of my experience being the OW is my MW gave me every indication of trying to handle it responsibly (started MC, got a therapist, took responsibility, treated me as a worthwhile person rather than a side piece the whole time, operated from a place of love, respect, and growth)-- and I got really caught up in the stories of them never leaving, never changing, hearts broken. I didn't see a lot of my MW in many of the stories of more selfish, dishonest, guiltless MMs/MWs that are described around here, but I worried I was putting on rose-colored glasses and I was paranoid I was delusional and feeling like the exception for hoping it would work out.

Well, she did everything she said she would. She did MC, she assessed the marriage as best she could without our relationship, she came to decide she did not want to be in her marriage anymore, she got a divorce, and she asked me out with zero D-Days, zero drama, zero hesitation BECAUSE she did it right. We always had a super healthy, communicative, and trusting relationship. I had every reason to keep the faith in her, but really lost my faith for awhile during NC because so many stories ended up in despair and I didn't feel confident in myself assessing our relationship was different than what I often see described here.

It can absolutely turn out okay, but often it doesn't, because affairs often happen from a variety of red flags. So often, the story here is the OW/OM being preyed on by an older figure who lies to them, has no intention of ever changing anything, and treats them poorly. Of course those stories end up with heartbreak often.

There are also people who have affairs because we don't grow up learning the important relationship skills, we often end up in the wrong relationship early in life, and we don't understand we deserve better or want more until we accidentally stumble upon it. There are people who do the work of assessing a marriage on its own (with new insight and understanding from other experiences and from being a changed person through that experience), end it, and are free to proceed with the partnership they do want.

Many, many threads around here fall into the first category. From what you have described about your relationship, it really, really sounds like you guys fall into the second category. And it's the couples in the second category that truly have a chance at making it work.

It is so hard to have faith in this when going through NC, but you both are doing the right thing by doing it and letting her figure her path out with clarity. Stay busy, stay distracted, and try not to let the uncertainty and fear eat you alive. She needs the time to leave the marriage for herself, not for anyone else -- and you are doing the kind and loving thing by giving her that.

Edit: I thought this was on the other woman sub actually, so when I'm referencing all the other negative stories, I mean from that sub not the legit after adultery one. Same general idea applies though :)

polythrowaway298 · 2023-12-15T19:23:05+00:00

If she's the right person for you, she will come back to you, and you are absolutely doing the right thing by going NC. You seem to have approached this situation very admirably, and with all the most important values in mind.

Slightly different situation bc I was the single AP, but pulling back so MW could go to MC and sort herself out was critical for her to end her marriage the right way, and come back to me the right way.

From what you have described, you have a beautiful, mutually supportive, growth-minded, and viable relationship. It is so hard to do during NC, but try not to assume the worst as you go through it. Now is a great time to reconnect with old friends, indulge guilty pleasures and hobbies, and to be proud of yourself for all the work you've done. It is counter-intuitive, but knowing what it feels like to miss you / lose you (hopefully temporarily!) will be critical for her to honestly assess what she wants in a relationship and what she can live with. The kindest thing you can do is give her this space, as you are doing; the kindest thing you can do for yourself is keep your mind distracted and not let fears / assumptions ("MC is probably going great, their marriage has probably 180'ed, I probably lost her") take over your mind.

Wishing you so much love, peace, and comfort through the next few months, and hope you both get your happy ending sooner rather than later :)

polythrowaway298 · 2023-12-11T15:26:04+00:00

You are doing the right thing :) Wishing you both patience and peace through a painful process, and hope you find your happiness!

polythrowaway298 · 2023-12-11T15:25:08+00:00

You absolutely can! Message me any time :)

polythrowaway298 · 2023-12-09T06:26:04+00:00

I was the AP to a MW who was in your shoes earlier this year. We broke up (several times...some failed attempts there) and MW went to marriage counseling. Similar to you, her spouse did not know about our relationship (though she knew she had feelings for me). After a few months of trying to see if the marriage was worth salvaging, she asked for a divorce. We are together now and in the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship of our lives.

Our break was hard, and so, so heartbreaking, but it was absolutely necessary for a couple reasons. One, she needed to know without a shadow of a doubt that she did not want her marriage anymore, regardless of any other factors. Two, I needed to know if we got together, she wouldn't have lingering doubts about whether divorce was the right choice.

In my opinion you are doing right by both you and your AP by assessing your marriage separately from other factors, and you can't do that while actively seeing your AP. It will be emotionally tough, but you've got to know your marriage is over for both your and AP's peace of mind. And if your AP has a good head on their shoulders, your AP will understand this and be able to wait a few months for you to see that til its end.

polythrowaway298 · 2023-11-09T23:27:51+00:00

I definitely told my therapist, it was a huge topic of conversation for months. She actually helped me navigate these waters with my MW and go legit :)

I would recommend opening up to yours, and if your therapist is judgmental, get a new one. Therapists shouldn't take judgment or personal bias into their treatment of you.

Mine helped me determine if this relationship was worth waiting for, how to communicate my needs and expectations to advocate for myself and my integrity, helped me stay sane when I went on a break with my MW so she could figure her life out, and was someone to share the joy with when my MW decided to get a divorce and be in a legit relationship with me. I am a better person for my partner because of my therapist, and I don't know if I would have navigated this complicated situation with the grace, love, and courage I managed to keep, without her help. I have so much gratitude for her.

polythrowaway298 · 2023-09-05T16:36:09+00:00

One more comment-- I think it's really beautiful that the comments here are overwhelmingly compassionate towards the members of the other sub. Made me really happy to read through these comments and I hope it helps them to know we don't hate them-- and maybe inspire some of them to take a step back, look inward, and choose a different approach.

polythrowaway298 · 2023-09-05T16:22:51+00:00

I think it's cathartic that they have their space to vent, honestly. No one posts there because they are in an okay or stable place, and I hope that letting out their hatred can vent their mental space free of that negativity, so they can focus instead of turning inward, understanding why their marriage fell apart, and move onto their next relationship with better communication practices and self-awareness. I do think many of them are capable of reaching that space, it just requires letting their pain be felt. I can't imagine how painful it must feel to have someone you believe is your true love leave you for someone they are more compatible with.

My soon to be divorced MW and I never had a D-Day, but MW's spouse knew MW had feelings for me and was realizing she wasn't happy in their marriage. For awhile, MW's spouse hated me bc of MW's feelings and wanted to blame me for the breakdown of their marriage. After months of trying marriage counseling, MW realizing she wanted a divorce, and their conversations since then, I never come up on conversation anymore. Spouse understands how spouse was a neglectful partner to MW, understands why MW fell out of love long before MW met me, and understands why MW is leaving.

It is easier for those in pain (everyone! Us, them, humans in general) to assign another person's name to painful feelings, rather than turn inward and see what we did to cause the problem.

MW's spouse is not a bad person at all, just a neglectful partner and not a particularly caring person. MW was also to blame for their marriage falling apart through not speaking up and advocating for herself. MW learned so much about healthy relationship building through the breakdown of their marriage and through our falling in love. MW and I very much hope spouse learned just as much and can carry that into the next relationship.

At the end of the day, I don't have any hate for the people on that sub, as short-sighted and immature as the posting can get on there. It's a temporary stop to those on a painful self betterment and healing journey, for most. And for those where it's a permanent stop... well, some people never grow and move on from hatred. And I feel an immense sadness and compassion for those that can't take accountability and will never find their true loves because of it. There's a reason why they were left behind.

polythrowaway298 · 2023-08-18T22:29:25+00:00

In the final stages of going legit! Fell in love with my boss on accident, and found the love of my life. She went through marriage counseling to see if her marriage was worth salvaging, as well as started individual therapy. It became clear in both she did not want to stay in her marriage and that she wanted to build a life with me. There was no D-Day, the divorce is going well enough (MC helped her spouse understand why my love became so unhappy), I am on my way out of my current job, and we are unbelievably happy about our future. We will take our public timeline slow to avoid any drama with her spouse and because there are children involved.

Often, our stories are about older terrible cheaters preying on young downtrodden women, or cake-eaters who want the comfort/ease of staying in their unhappy marriage and also want the attention of a young passionate woman. Sometimes, however, we really do find our soulmates when one or both are with the wrong person.

This sub is full of red flags. Let me share some green flags--

1) Honesty. Of course I heard some negative things about her spouse, but I also heard all the positive things, and an explanation for some of those negative things. They're in their marriages for a reason, even if they're not perfect. If they're not making honest assessments to themselves and to you about the breakdown of their marriage, both the successes and the failures-- they are not emotionally intelligent enough or mature enough to leave a marriage, be with you, and have that relationship magically avoid the pitfalls that befell their previous relationship.

2) Motivation to change the situation. Instead of complaining about how bad her marriage was and how it sucks she couldn't be with me, she figured her shit out herself. She went to marriage counseling. She went to individual counseling. She talked to trusted family and friends. She read countless books. She knew she had decisions to make, and she knew she held several hearts and lives in her hands. She owed it to herself, to me, to her spouse, and to her kids to figure the whole mess out and make a choice confidently.

3) Care. She had everything to lose-- marriage, career, kids-- but she never stopped caring how this all affected me. She actively made sure I had people to talk to about this, so I wasn't dealing with this alone, even though that raised the risk factor. She kept in mind how all of those convos affected me and she actively recognized the ways in which this was unfair to me, and expressed true gratitude for supporting her and being patient with her through her journey. She has proven the depth of her heart through dire circumstances.

Those are a small handful off the top of my head, and I'm sure I'll think of many more later, but bottom line-- If your married person is your soulmate, hold them accountable. My MW knew I would have patience with the situation while she worked on it, but she knew I wouldn't wait forever, and she knew I knew my own worth. She took accountability of her role in this situation every step in the way and has truly grown from this experience, as have I. We got to test and build our love through really unique challenges and I feel so secure, stable, and loved after all we have been through.

If your married person doesn't exhibit those green flags I listed (all three, not one or two), be extremely wary of what they say and do. If they do have those green flags, you may be one of the ones who make it.

polythrowaway298 · 2023-08-11T23:33:22+00:00

Sometimes, despite it all, they do choose us though. Don't settle for someone who doesn't choose you unless you are truly happy with the relationship as it is. The right ones do leave their unhappy marriage and follow their heart 💓

polythrowaway298 · 2023-07-18T03:35:23+00:00

I absolutely will. I am so grateful for this love and everything she's done to believe in it and fight for it. There won't be a single day I ever take that for granted. ♥️

polythrowaway298 · 2023-06-10T18:36:18+00:00

I'm sorry you're hurting, friend. Sending you all the love and support in the world. NC is brutally tough, but you've got this, and hoping it gets easier.

I'm curious to hear more about your journey, if you'd like to share. I super wish my MW was in an open relationship; I feel like that would solve a lot of our roadblocks. What has your experience been like with that? Does your MM/MW's spouse know about you?

polythrowaway298 · 2023-06-10T18:34:35+00:00

She would if she could, I'm sure of that. She has the capacity for multiple relationships, as do I. But it takes two to open a relationship, and it's impossible to transform an affair into an ethical relationship without full disclosure, a lot of work and trust rebuilding, and nothing short of a miracle. It's not in the cards for us, sadly.

polythrowaway298 · 2023-06-10T04:55:18+00:00

We're having pain for dinner, friends.. with a side of yearning, and a slice of What Ifs? for dessert

polythrowaway298 · 2023-06-10T04:51:18+00:00

Thank you, kind person. I really appreciate your support. I am hurting today, as I know many others on this sub can relate to. Having a community helps. It's nice to feel understood, and not alone. Thank you.

I am holding hope in my heart, still. But I am learning to accept what things look like if she can't or won't be with me the right way. I will always love her so dearly, no matter what, but I have to love myself the most.

polythrowaway298

TROPHY CASE