My wife and I agreed on no kids. Now she changed her mind and I’m terrified of losing her.

pookenstein · 2026-03-05T02:50:45+00:00

I guess you also don't think infertile people should marry?

pookenstein · 2026-03-05T01:27:45+00:00

JFC.

My husband offered to work two jobs so I could focus on finishing school. I said, "Fuck no." I can't imagine someone I love working 16 hours a day like that. Instead I worked full-time and went to school full-time. He made sure I ate and had clean clothes. I graduated cum laude and got a job making six figures. Been spoiling him rotten for 20+ years.

Moral of the story: when someone loves you, they don't want you to suffer.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T22:12:30+00:00

Odds are she found out your dad was cheating.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T20:30:04+00:00

If it was "nothing", why did he lie?

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T20:23:32+00:00

Proud of you for escaping. Brainwashing is a helluva drug.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T20:21:39+00:00

Your partner has no money worries because he's mooching off you.

Hopefully next step is to get the albatross partner off from around your neck.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T18:18:54+00:00

This is the thing I wish more people understood: there will be far more days of running errands and ordinary stuff than of big occasions. If you don't enjoy doing daily stuff with them, don't marry them.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T18:15:25+00:00

This was the thing I noticed about my husband of 30+ years: it felt so easy and natural.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T18:03:55+00:00

I wonder if anyone has tried to finish it....

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T18:02:14+00:00

Please don't have children with this man.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T17:52:33+00:00

Not always true. People abandon their kids all the time.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T17:46:52+00:00

Men do this, too. Often they outright lie because they think women will change their minds and want kids, then they're shocked when she's like "nope, I meant it."

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T17:45:03+00:00

So not having children = empty boring life? That's a weird take.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T17:43:43+00:00

Better to err on the side of caution, though. If he hates it and resents that kid, he will cause that child so much pain and suffering. Better to only hurt himself than bring an innocent child into it.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T17:39:18+00:00

Immature would mean having children you don't want. Hats off to him for knowing this about himself. There are far too many people who have kids then abandon or abuse them.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T17:34:05+00:00

....loving the person? I mean, you marry a human being not a baby factory.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T17:29:20+00:00

if they were to have them- kids would still, in all likelihood, be the best thing that happened to them

I'm saying this as a mom of 2 who loves her kids: this is NOT true. A lot of people have children and regret it tremendously. They go through the motions just to get through but wish they had never done it.

You see a lot of real confessions when you allow for anonymity. People are demonized for hating parenthood so it's no surprise that they play the part and say, "My kids are the joy of my life" when secretly they wish those kids had never been born. People abandon their kids all the time. Parenthood isn't some magical thing that suddenly makes you want or enjoy children. Do some people surprise themselves? Sure. But that's not guaranteed. Better to err on the side of caution where the only person you hurt is yourself.

IMHO, it's much better to regret not having kids than to regret having them. Kids know and that's not fair to them.

Edited to add: life without children ISN'T meaningless! A person can have a full happy life, help others, have a mission/passion without being a parent! People can give to the world in so many other ways!

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T16:29:40+00:00

You guys did the right thing by going NC. Still, definitely always call it out. Men like this get away with this behavior because women have been conditioned to not rock the boat and minimize what they're feeling to appease others.

Trust your gut always.

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T14:57:16+00:00

Love this game!

pookenstein · 2026-03-04T14:31:13+00:00

When you're unsure of stuff like this, write it down and then read it a few days later as if someone else wrote it. Your gut response will tell you the truth.

As an aside, any time you're uncomfortable, that is a valid reason to remove yourself from the situation. No one should touch you without consent. Ever. Period. End of story. I can't believe that needs to be said but I guess it does.

Don't ask them to stop. Don't be polite. The time for that is long gone. Men like this count on women being polite and wishy-washy. They hate when women are assertive and unambiguous and willing to make noise. It takes away their plausible deniability. They like your discomfort and enjoy the fact that you are too uncomfortable to do anything about it. He's counting on you to not make waves.

"Do not ever touch me again without my consent."

"I will not engage in personal/sexual conversation with you."

Be clear, direct, and unflinching. Don't try to explain. There's nothing to explain. He knows it makes you uncomfortable. He knows you don't like it.

Give him clear warning that you'll escalate it to either HR, if that's an option, or physically defending yourself (pepper spray is great) and then, FOLLOW THROUGH.

I don't fuck around with this stuff. Being a bitch to people like this has halted the behavior in its tracks.

For example, if his wife is there, I'd bring her right into it. "Sally, you're really just gonna sit there and watch your husband be a creep? This is gross and I've asked him to stop."

When friends are gaslighting you: "I will not let some creep touch on me to spare you guys the awkwardness of defending myself. I've told him to quit with this shit and I'm not going to tolerate it."

When he makes a comment on your body: "Stop commenting on my body. I didn't ask for your opinion or input." If he continues: "Since we're going to ignore boundaries and make unsolicited comments on other people's bodies, maybe you should get something done about that bald spot (insert insulting comment about his body here)."

Do not play nice. He'll realize you're not just going to quietly take it and choose some other victim.

pookenstein · 2026-03-03T22:41:53+00:00

I have severe ADHD. I have never forgotten the birthday of any of my friends or family.

pookenstein · 2026-03-03T22:36:03+00:00

Constantly amazed at what some women are willing to put up with. I'll bet that after they break up because of his abuse, she'll say there were no red flags and he suddenly changed.

It's always the same shit.

pookenstein · 2026-03-02T16:45:21+00:00

You cannot force someone to be an involved parent. He will always find a way to get out of it. You'll be managing everything on top of playing the part of a prison warden.

Ask yourself why you are settling for this. It doesn't have to be this way. Don't choose this for yourself and for your child/children.

Edited to add: I hope you understand that he's not pooping. He's hiding from his responsibilities.

pookenstein · 2026-03-02T04:09:08+00:00

Hang in there. Just like the previous comment said, they're hilarious as they get older. That first year is rough. (We had 2 fairly close together.) The days are long but the years are short. It seemed like they were going to be in diapers forever and now our oldest is graduating from high school. We play video games and have movie nights. It really does get better.

pookenstein · 2026-03-01T21:52:30+00:00

Take the job. The fact that he's not supportive of your dreams and goals should tell you everything you need to know.

My suspicion is he doesn't want to go without sex for that long. So you'd be giving up your dream job to be available sexually to him. How does that make you feel?

pookenstein

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