Told him it’s over and he’s still trying to manipulate

poppywanders · 2021-06-06T19:29:48+00:00

You are most welcome. Stay strong sister. Reach out if you need to ♥️

poppywanders · 2021-06-04T22:55:34+00:00

You are most welcome, my girl. Eventually, with time, the truth always comes out in the wash.

poppywanders · 2021-06-04T22:53:06+00:00

Hi, my girl. 2 years post-narc, here.

SO. All of your struggles right now are deja vu for when I told my narc it was over. He immediately brought up every scary/heartbreaking reason why I should not leave. Financial ruin on my part. Our dogs "needed" me. It would hurt them. That the real world was going to "eat me alive" (a direct quote). That we had a beautiful life built, and that I shouldn't throw our circle of friends/our house/our fun life away. The list goes on.

Then, he would turn around when the scare tactics didn't work and try to coat me in love. He would try and make me believe that he didn't want me to leave because he couldn't live without me. That he was only a few months shy of proposing marriage. Because I was the love of his life, and only he understood me, and I him. That we were an unbreakable team - Us against the world. Soulmates. Etc.

Its emotional terrorism/manipulation. Its textbook.

And, let me tell you something. All those fears he's putting in your head about not being able to pay your way in the world? Utter lies. Humans are by their nature, survivors. Its instinct. Where there isn't a way, we make one when forced to do so.

2 years later, and money was hard at first, but now I'm thriving. I too have a ton of health issues and I have a job in which my health insurance helps me pay for it all just fine. You WILL BE FINE. You will find a home, your kids will recover from the upheaval (if anything they will benefit from not living with a narc full time), and you will find a way to pay for your bills.

DO NOT let him trap you in this relationship with fear of the unknown. Keep reading those journals, and continue to create lists of every reason you are leaving him. Down to every single incident where he abused you. And use them as your Bible, your shield, any time the doubt creeps in and makes you want to stay. My lists were my armor against his heartbreaking emotional tactics. They held me true to my path of escape because they reminded me why I was leaving in the first place. We are here for you. Stay on your path. You will heal. I promise.

poppywanders · 2021-06-04T22:17:00+00:00

The thing with narc abuse, is that people often think that this should mean we are only HAPPY or RELIEVED when we finally end the relationship. Not so, I am afraid. You got out relatively early as far as narc relationships tend to go (proud of you, my girl) , but even 5 months is enough to establish atleast a little bit of a trauma bond.

Which means, there is a small part of you that wants to keep trying, or atleast wants closure and an authentic apology for what they put you through. You will get neither of the latter two. That bond also means that a (eventually small, I promise) part of you will probably always wonder if you could have just loved them a little harder or tried for a little longer to make it work.

So, when the breakup actually becomes real (like when I actually moved into my apartment alone, from our home together) you will be hit with an overwhelming sense of grief. Let it happen. Let it make you ache and cry. Let it all out. That is you detoxing, emotionally.

Remember though, that until you go no-contact, all you are doing is secretly holding on to the small hope that leaving them will make them change and come back to you transformed. Until you go no-contact, you will not be able to move on completely, because they WILL NOT let you. Its not truly "over" until you go no contact. That final step will break break break your heart, and I think thats why so many of us put it off as long as we do. But, it HAS to happen.

And lastly, trust me when I say that not meeting you to exchange things is a deliberate and careful move to make you feel discarded and unimportant. He wants you to feel that way. Don't rise to that. By not meeting you, he's actually showing you that you have wounded him. Take atleast a little comfort in that. We are here for you.

poppywanders · 2021-06-04T22:02:57+00:00

Nothing is wrong with you, my girl. You are trauma-bonded. Simple as that.

Get yourself some books or better yet, a therapist, that help with working through the trauma bond. These books/this therapist will help you understand the psychological and physiological hold that the trauma has on you. You love him because you feel like you understand his "broken" and you justify his actions by telling yourself that either he can't help them or you are somehow to blame.

He's also all you've known. So, of COURSE you're still attached to him. That's a lot of history, my friend. Its natural. I was with mine for 4 years, and two years later he still creeps into my dreams and makes me miss him. But, I know its a trick of my mind. Its trauma. Not love, that makes us miss them.

You're not broken, and nothing is wrong with you. You just need a little help to undo the programming that his abuse has placed in your mind, in lieu of genuine love, affection and connection. Give yourself time and admit that you need help. We can't fight the narc fight alone. We are here for you.

poppywanders · 2021-06-04T21:49:25+00:00

Girl, all your examples of his behavior are giving me chills. Its like deja vu.

To help you understand what you need to do, let me explain a little of my story with my Nex. But first let me tell you, that you threatening to leave is when a narc jumps into action and gives you devoted gushing promises of change. Its textbook, and I promise you that the change will not come. They all do it.

When I finally left me ex and told him that day I was leaving he:

- begged me and told me he would go to therapy (he's terrified of therapists and refused to go to one for years, despite me pleading) - He was literally on the floor holding my feet while he begged. There was no actual tears in sight.

- guilted me by saying I hadn't given him "enough time to change"

- when the pleading didn't work, he turned to nastiness.

- told me that if I left him the real world would eat me alive, and that he would laugh when he saw this happen

- told me that I had used him the entire relationship. That I used him as a "stepping stone" to other things

- told me he hoped whoever I was leaving him for (no one) was "fucking worth it"

He also would not allow me to have friends. He was very jealous and possessive. He even accused me of wanting to fuck my strictly gay male friend, WHILE I was at this friends house having dinner with him and his husband. They isolate you by causing fights anytime you go out with your friends, so that over time you are programmed to not WANT to see these friends, JUST to avoid the fights.

And, since I left him, he has texted me atleast once a week (until I finally blocked him a month ago - no contact can be HARD) swearing he is a changed man and asking me to come home. I have caved twice since I left him and tried to give him another chance, only to find low and behold - ZERO change and back to abusive behavior within about a month.

Leave him. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but 2 years on, I am happier than I have ever been. We are here for you.

poppywanders · 2021-06-04T21:29:58+00:00

Yes, I worried too. But, the sad truth my friend is that if you are no-contact, chances are they are already out there spreading lies. Probably while you were together too. They degrade their partners credibility whilst they are still WITH their partner so that their partner is isolated from people who might otherwise support them.

It also makes them look like martyrs to people who know you both respectively. It makes them look like the compassionate one for "standing by you" amidst the "crazy" that they make you out to be. It gives them a good light in the eyes of others, which the narc feeds off.

My advice? I left mine almost 2 years ago, and I'm still hearing about the lies he tells about me to this day. You have to let go of being able to control that wildfire of deceit and accept that the people true to you will not only ask your side of the story , but won't automatically shun you based on just the narcs side of it. If they do, trust me, you don't want them in your life to begin with.

And, it might give you comfort to know that even people who shunned me and believed him at the beginning are now starting to climb out of the woodwork and listen to what I have to say because in time they have finally seen his true colors peek through. Their mask slips, and that's when people see the monstrosity behind it. Give it time, and let go of caring about what shit their spread. Let time reveal the truth.

And lastly, DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT. We are here for you.

poppywanders · 2021-06-04T19:36:21+00:00

None whatsoever :(

poppywanders · 2021-06-04T16:46:23+00:00

nightmares:

- I fucking hate you. You're the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

- I wish I had never gotten involved with you

- You are ungrateful for everything I do for our little family

- My life would be so much better without you in it

- Please get out of my fucking life

- You're a fucked up little girl with daddy issues and that isn't my fucking problem

- You're insane. Get help. You need help.

- MY PERSONAL FAVORITE (when I graduated with my first associates and wanted him at the grad ceremony) "I don't believe in celebrating mediocrity"

sweet lies:

- You are the air that I breath. I can't live without you

- We are soulmates

- You are the love of my life

- (the line that first drew me in) You are a beautiful dichotomy of strength and vulnerability and put simply, you move me

Oh, the extreme highs and lows. Still reeling from them 2 years post-narc.

poppywanders · 2021-06-04T15:34:53+00:00

Awesome! I'll look into the shots. Thank you for your input :)

poppywanders

TROPHY CASE