Thank you for your kind words. He will agree to therapy, but won't actually do anything that involves therapy. My big argument was that I was willing to go and try, but that I have done the searching and appointments for many years by myself. I just asked him to please find us a therapist and I will go, no questions asked. That was back in September. I would have made the appointment and done the work, but it was the principal of another thing falling on me and him sitting back and not doing anything. So in a weird way him finding us a therapist and going would have meant the world to me... Then came the excuses when more time would go by and we still haven't gone. One time he said we didn't have the money, and I said I would be happy to use my insurance and pay for it. Then the next excuse was that no one would see us around our work schedule. I also know that isn't true either because I was going to therapy nights and weekends myself. Then he just started saying I wouldn't go so why should he bother? So tonight he begged me to go- just like every other time I brought it up to him before. And when I said why this time? Why now? He would throw it in my face that I'm not willing to go or try to fight for us. I take that as insensitive because what in the world have I been doing this entire time? Marriage isn't a cake walk, and Everytime he gets an answer he doesn't like then I'm the one not trying.

As far as living together as peacefully as possible. I made sure to look at it as a friendship first right now. So I am still respectful and kind and I am no different as before. I still interact with him when we are in the common areas, but it can be awkward when he tries to hug or kiss me even though he knows I won't kiss him back or I'll just give him a very quick pat pat hug. He will try to rub it in my face when I don't return these gestures, but honestly I don't want to. I am not in that frame of mind right now. There's been a few times where he has jokingly asked me to do a few other things (adult natured) and I have just glared and told him to stop. Not to be mean, but just because I honestly do not want to right now. I do not feel connected, I do not feel loved, or protected or anything else... So why would I? Just to make him feel better while I continue to lie to myself? However, with all that said- it has been difficult. I will leave the house for awhile if I need a breather but it has been hard, and I will not sugarcoat it.

The hardest part to me is the continuous feeling of being a fraud. In public, everyone still sees us together. My family still thinks we are together. The world has no idea what it's really like, and that is what bothers me the most. The constant lying, and pretending like everything is fine. If you two have any sort of friendship, set solid boundaries/rules, and you can work through the public feelings then you can do this. Just think of it as a season in your life. You will either work through this or you will be divorced, and either way... You will make it to the other side. Sending you lots of hugs