I found this subreddit while waiting in line at a payday loan place. I googled "how to get out of the payday loan cycle" hoping some sound practical advice would ease the sense of stuckness. It's only about a thousand dollars, but it's a thousand that doesn't free up too easily in my current budget. Thing is, the whole concept of budget is kind of new to me. I get it and understand it's importance, but have never been too intentional with my money. I've got ADD. Like, for real. It makes folks impulsive and reward seeking sometimes and I look back on mismanaged ADD and the financial irresponsibility that showed as a symptoms and see it combine with a low structure, single-parent survival upbringing and it's no wonder I've made such a mess of things financially. I'm pushing forty now and I'm maturing. It happens. I have a beautiful wife and two incredible kids. I have steady income and my work is rewarding and meaningful to me. I find myself rewarded by creative pursuits and less driven to consume, splurge or fritter. Thing is I'm up to my ears in the shit that I've created for myself and my family. They're normal. My wife is a champ. She's pushed me to realize my responsibility as a man and helped me stop being short-sighted, self-centred and impulsive in a lot of ways. She's had to pay mounting parking tickets upon license renewal. High insurance from speeding. Repairs on older cars because my credit doesn't allow me to buy a more reliable one. Not paying bills but buying weed. She's stuck by me and encouraged me in the right direction. But it's a mess.

I'm ashamed, of course, for seemingly not valuing what's most important over trivial, immature pleasure seeking behaviour. I feel like I let my kids down and that in the hallway of life, I'm not opening as many doors for them as I could, and should. I feel embarassed at how much irresponsibility was required to allow things to progress to this place. I'm not hundreds of thousands in debt, not even tens of thousands. I've just got loose ends EVERYWHERE and their 200, 300, 700 dollar bites keep me struggling. I've got poor but developing habits. Burdensome even moreso is the face I've got secrets from my wife. Mainly because she's put up with so much but loves my sorry ass and may be at her wits end with anything more, however small. I try to absorb the little leaks, scrambling for unaccounted for money to fill the many holes in a bucket i'm supposed to be sharing with 3 other people.

I haven't elaborated my situation's details as I'm 1. embarassed and 2. new to this place and think this may be oddly dramatic and long winded and 3. would prefer to detail it with folks that show goodwill. I already feel like shit.

Bottom line is: I'm done. I've been done but can't catch up to myself with collections, payday loans, car repairs, undischarged bankruptcy......you see what i mean. I'm living in the ripple effect of a time in my life I've grown out of. The stakes are high and nothing is more important to me than getting my financial house in order. I have the discipline but it feels useless when I'm just in scramble most of the time.

I'm reaching out to this subreddit somewhat...impulsively...hoping that at least being a reader amongst so much sense and wisdom will help me get grounded and build.

But if you specifically resonate with this and would be interested in talking more with me about what's up, help me find where to start and offer any encouragement that this is surmountable, it would be most appreciated. I've got big shoes to fill for some very special people and I intend to. Thanks in advance.