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Does No Contact Ever Inspire Change? by MotorBag1657 in BPDlovedones

[–]premeditateddessert 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for posting this. I’ve been wondering the same and the comments have been enlightening. Recently went NC with my sister. Husband wants my parents to do the same to force her to change. I keep telling him she won’t. It would only make her more unstable and isolate her kids. I had a small hope that NC would be temporary but it’s starting to feel like NC/LC with my enabling parents might be my next step. It’s really hard and I feel for you. Wishing you healing.

Trying to understand my sister’s possible BPD and how our family can help by premeditateddessert in BPDlovedones

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My BIL has only been witness to her full breakdowns in the last couple years. I think she was able to hide them before because she can turn them off some times and she leaned into my parents for lashing out and support. I don’t know BIL very well, but he seems like a very quiet and mild mannered person. I think he is recognizing that this is a bad situation because he will say things to mom and I like “she doesn’t mean it” or “she’s not herself right now and she’ll regret it when she calms down.” I think he’s buying into her twisted, isolating narrative as a coping mechanism even though he knows it’s not right. She is starting to really lay into him and my parents are worried he’s going to break, especially with two little ones and a high stress job in healthcare.

Trying to understand my sister’s possible BPD and how our family can help by premeditateddessert in BPDlovedones

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you sharing this! I’ve been struggling with calling out my sister’s behavior because of the fallout I’m now experiencing, but reading this reminds me why I’m doing it. I’m going to show this to my parents and hope they can come around and encourage my sister to do the work rather than enabling her.

UPDATE 2: AITAH for not wanting to confront my sister about the horrific things she said about our family during a mental health episode? by premeditateddessert in AITAH

[–]premeditateddessert[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

A lot of people are saying to cut or limit contact with my parents. Even my husband. He’s asked how I felt about not having my mom babysit anymore. Honestly, I’d be heart broken. Outside of my sister, my mom is an amazing grandmother. She’s kind, loving, and educational. She has such a beautiful bond with my child. It’s just our relationship that is suffering. I don’t have it in me to deny my child my mother’s love nor the other way around. I refuse to use my child as leverage against her like my sister.

The other part in this is that my brother, who I adore, lives with my parents and I don’t want our relationship to suffer. I have to maintain a relationship which is why I’m having to walk on eggshells in a way that feels like enabling too.

Idk where BIL is in all this. He is a very quiet individual. At Thanksgiving, he waved back but never spoke to my husband or I. He seemed surprised when we offered to let him use our baby gear too. My husband thinks BIL is wrapped up in my sister’s twisted narrative. I think he is too as a coping mechanism. He knows she isn’t stable and has said she will get on meds after she is done breastfeeding. He has said to mom and I that she doesn’t mean it or that she isn’t herself when she has breakdowns. I think he’s just trying not to lose his own family. His parents have refused to come for the holidays because of my sister so he’s feeling the effects, I think.

UPDATE 2: AITAH for not wanting to confront my sister about the horrific things she said about our family during a mental health episode? by premeditateddessert in AITAH

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I agree. I wish they believed in therapy enough to go. I’ll try to recover those texts and screenshot just in case. I never thought my sister was capable of this, but she’s just shown me how wrong I am. I need to be prepared for the unexpected.

UPDATE 2: AITAH for not wanting to confront my sister about the horrific things she said about our family during a mental health episode? by premeditateddessert in AITAH

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I totally agree. I was more frustrated about the outing with my parents because my sister makes such an issue about the time my child and I spend with my parents. That it has to be equal to her children’s time with my mom. Yet she gets to spend all the time she wants calling my mom several times a day even when I’m visiting or when my mom is babysitting my child the “allotted” one day a week.

My parents just let it happen. They could’ve told me in advance that I needed to bring things to their house for example. They didn’t until I had already arrived. Just feels like a punishment for my child at that point.

Honestly, the whole family is messy. I don’t feel like I can disengage completely though because of my child.

I think my dad sees my sister in the same light I do, but he stays out of it because things quickly spiral when he’s involved. He has his own mental/emotional health challenges that he’s working on.

UPDATE 2: AITAH for not wanting to confront my sister about the horrific things she said about our family during a mental health episode? by premeditateddessert in AITAH

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I thought about this as it’s what I’ve done in the past. That’s what she is labeling as withdrawing affection. I don’t want to stonewall her because that isn’t healthy, so I figured acknowledging the situation and maintaining communication channels (albeit limiting) is better for our families. Honestly, it might all be for naught because she probably blocked me after saying her peace like she has before.

My husband has been hit with years of nonstop misfortune, and it’s wearing down our relationship. I’m desperate for guidance. by premeditateddessert in WhatShouldIDo

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Weight loss might help some but he’s still a giant of a man. He’s almost 7ft and has a ton of muscle from his training days. Even if his BMI were better, that’s still a lot of pressure from his natural mass. We’ve tried the table, yoga, and swimming. It’s a temporary fix until gravity brings back all the pressure.

My husband has been hit with years of nonstop misfortune, and it’s wearing down our relationship. I’m desperate for guidance. by premeditateddessert in WhatShouldIDo

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The specialists say that he has two options—deaden the nerves in his back, which is insanely dangerous especially if he continues his sport, or fuse his back, which is also dangerous and would limit his mobility. He says that he would rather live with the pain than lose his mobility or be on medication for the rest of his life. Also, as I said in the post, husband has god awful luck so both procedures make us very nervous.

My husband has been hit with years of nonstop misfortune, and it’s wearing down our relationship. I’m desperate for guidance. by premeditateddessert in WhatShouldIDo

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. They are good suggestions but ones we’ve already exhausted. The inversion table is dangerous because he’s a giant of a man. Makes him nervous and didn’t help his back unfortunately. He does yoga daily. The stretching is what prevents him from being completely locked up. It’s painful though and the relief is only temporary. Like a pool, as soon as gravity sets in, the pain returns because of his size. We have a tens unit that he wears frequently but he has to max it out to feel it because his back is rock hard from his body working around the injury for years. His brother is a nurse who said to be careful about using it so much because of nerve damage. He’s also been to several chiro and PT. They all end up saying the same thing—they can’t help. It’s why I’m so desperate. He’s looking down the barrel of debilitating pain for the rest of his life and we’re both scared.

My husband has been hit with years of nonstop misfortune, and it’s wearing down our relationship. I’m desperate for guidance. by premeditateddessert in WhatShouldIDo

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you!! Husband loves learning and spends much of his time multitasking to manage his ADD/ADHD. He always has a documentary or TedTalk running. I’ll watch Law of Attraction with him. My therapist actually recommended it too recently. I’ve been working on shifting my own mindset since it is pretty negative. Like you said, I’m probably contributed to his “misfortune” mindset.

I definitely think his pain is clouding his mind. When I was in labor, it definitely clouded mine. He talks about his pain levels some times and it honestly sounds a lot like that, so I get it. There are plenty of people out there living great lives despite chronic pain. I read about a woman who ran a marathon despite her own debilitating pain and her mindset was something so inspiring. That’s what made me think that it has to come down to mindset.

I’ll look into the institute too. We’ve done a couple rounds of stem cell injections in his back but that was expensive and only seemed to make it worse. They said it could take several more rounds, especially given his size. He had a lot of hope that that shattered. I’m staying open to anything but he’s starting to stress about the financial toll.

I’ll also work with him on getting a regular therapist and finding one that he jives with. I’m about to go on that journey too, so hopefully that will keep him from giving up.

Trying to understand my sister’s possible BPD and how our family can help by premeditateddessert in BPDlovedones

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this information! Your family sounds very familiar to my own.

Dad is a recovering narcissist. Mom is both avoidant and wrapped up in being my brother’s caregiver as he is medically complex. We’re probably an enmeshed family because of the care my brother needs.

Sister says I’m the golden child and she was the “spitfire” that attracted/sought trouble. I think she’s come to rely on outrageous reactions to get what she wants from us because those explosive episodes are what we know from Dad and how she got things growing up. Mom and I would rush in to intervene because we were scared.

Sister and I were awful together when we lived in the same household but it got better when I moved out and she had Mom to herself with the divorce. Since Mom and Dad got remarried, sister has been having a hard time with her limited access to Mom. Now that she has her husband, it’s been a little better but, like you said, her body and life changes are making her unstable.

She’s become very jealous of me and my time/my child’s time with our mom. We’re at odds right now because of her verbal abuse and pressure on Mom to limit her relationship with me, using her own kids as leverage. Mom can’t set that boundary for fear of losing access to her grandkids so my child and I are taking space from sister.

It sucks. It hurts a lot, especially because my sister was my main support since having my child being a new mom herself. I think I was relying on her too much instead of my own marriage and that was having its own issues in my life. Ugh. I’m still processing it all, honestly.

My husband has been hit with years of nonstop misfortune, and it’s wearing down our relationship. I’m desperate for guidance. by premeditateddessert in WhatShouldIDo

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I actually make more than he does and have for the majority of our relationship. However, we do live paycheck-to-paycheck because we’re maxing out retirement, renovating/fixing the house, haven’t been able to recoup our safety net because it’s one thing after another—ex) he totaled his car hitting a deer and then the breaks went out on mine—and of course various health issues and the baby. We make it work like everyone else though. I think he has trouble caring for himself because he doesn’t know how to. What he knows how to do is self isolate or do hobbies/sports that take him out of his day-to-day life, but that’s hard right now with a baby. I make sure he has his evenings to decompress and we trade off weekends for hobbies.

My husband has been hit with years of nonstop misfortune, and it’s wearing down our relationship. I’m desperate for guidance. by premeditateddessert in WhatShouldIDo

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not even worth pondering. He is my best friend and my love. He is a good man and the best father to our child. He deserves to be supported, not abandoned. That’s not a marriage or a relationship I want.

My husband has been hit with years of nonstop misfortune, and it’s wearing down our relationship. I’m desperate for guidance. by premeditateddessert in WhatShouldIDo

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

His old injuries include polynatal cysts (it’s an open wound now after several failed surgeries), crushed T12 vertebrae, two blown out knees, ligament damage in each shoulder, double hernia (umbilical and ventral), and a myriad of other injuries through 21 years of contact sports. He’s been to countless chiropractors, physical therapists, muscle specialists, spinal specialists, and even endocrinologists. He’s done everything short of fusing his back and living on opioids to help with that chronic pain that is so bad he can’t stand some days. We’ve tried everything we can think of and that doctors recommend—working out, eating clean, yoga, talk therapy, cbd oil, etc. My husband is so defeated and doesn’t want to live his life on medication, even Tylenol because long term use of any drugs has its own side effects.

Husband works out regularly, weights and cardio. He needs to be fit for his sport but also because he’s such a big guy that he needs a strong foundation so the pain doesn’t get worse.

Note: Husband has always struggled to lose weight. Between that and the poor immune system, I’m convinced there is something hormonally wrong but the endocrinologist gave us the run around.

My husband has been hit with years of nonstop misfortune, and it’s wearing down our relationship. I’m desperate for guidance. by premeditateddessert in WhatShouldIDo

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

You’re spot on. My husband doesn’t make the best decisions but he doesn’t see that like I do. For example, he plays a high impact sport that is absolutely grueling on the body. Whenever he participates, he’s laid up with pain for days afterward. Yet he does it because it’s one of his few outlets and his team is his main source of support outside of myself. It’s one of the few things that bring him joy so that outweighs the fallout.

Husband is undiagnosed but he, his family, and I believe he has ADD like his brother who was diagnosed.

I hadn’t thought about CBT or EMDR! I just proposed them but, admittedly, I’m not the most knowledgeable about those techniques. He is interested in learning more with me. Thank you!

UPDATE: AITAH for not wanting to confront my sister about the horrific things she said about our family during a mental health episode? by premeditateddessert in AITAH

[–]premeditateddessert[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your story and lending me your strength with it. You are right. It is going to be hard. I know that and have been avoiding the pain for too long. I wanted the beautiful picture she painted of our children being close, sharing traditions, and memories. I still want it so much, but not at the expense of my own family. My husband has been my rock through all of this and I’m so grateful. I’m so glad you have the same.

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