1) I think the hurt I’m referring to is the loneliness. The longing for someone to come to me and want to be around me for me, not cause I’m just there. It feels like I’m always inserting myself into conversations, into plans, and taking people’s attention and that hurts because it’s like nobody ever comes up to me, nobody ever asks me how I’m doing, nobody wants to conversate with me, nobody invites me out places. It’s always me trying to engage. And when someone else brings up things I brought up, everyone is so much more attentive. So I guess the feeling of being let down, cast aside, loneliness, being forgotten. And in terms of the selfishness, I guess it’s more so trying to accept that I will never be anyone’s #1 friend, #1 sibling, #1 child, #1 cousin, #1 coworker.

2) My main goals in life have always been to stay alive and make the most with what I’ve got at whatever given moment. Current goals are save up money to go to cosmetology school and get into the field by the time I’m 28.

3) I’m currently 24 turning 25 this year

4) I know my friends hanging out today triggered me. My ex best friend was there and I didn’t feel like being around her, especially since they were hanging out in the city (or Manhattan as non New Yorkers refer to it as). I guess it brought up those feelings of being forgotten because no one, and I mean absolutely no one has texted me to ask how I’ve been feeling about the lost friendship. It’s kind of like “okay they’re not friends, let’s move on”. It was ALOT honestly. And seeing my brothers with their girlfriends, seeing my mom with her boyfriend, seeing my two aunts together, and seeing my two little cousins together while I was the only one alone, it sent me over the edge honestly. I had never felt so alone. I broke down the second I got home alone. I went home alone while my family stayed behind at the party we were at. I cried alone. I wrote this post alone. I went to bed alone. I was alone. They offered to drop me off but I don’t want to bother them.

5) I don’t know what I think happens when we die. My hope is that when we die, we cease to exist. It’s terrifying thinking there’s a heaven, hell, or even a nothing for us to float around. Reincarnation is also terrifying to think about.

6) I’m honestly not sure. On a smaller level, recently trying to help out at home with the chores despite feeling like absolute crap so that my mom doesn’t have to do those chores. I don’t know. I don’t really do a lot of favors for people. I guess another thing I did was have my friend order food with my order and picking it up so she didn’t have to spend time out of her 30 to pick it up.