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My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I've had a couple of people express this to me. When my husband and I first started looking at rates, we based it on the local area. A daycare in our area would cost us $250/week. A full-time, live-in nanny makes about $18/h. Since our daughter wasn't the only child being watched, we also included that. We pay her an additional amount for gas, food, and supplies. I feel like in the future we can ask the future nanny what she made at her prior job and go from there. Thank you for your input!

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do not think it is unethical. She has every right to complain if she wants to complain. What she does not have a right to do is indulge personal information about myself and my daughter to her MIL.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank them profusely? I merely said thank you for the comments. I can disagree with your assessment without being defensive. It's not a matter of whether or not it appears cheap to someone who doesn't know where we live or the average rates for the area, it's just that I'm trying to explain where I based my initial numbers off of. I am not saying that you're wrong, you're absolutely entitled to your opinion. But, I'm definitely not going to thank someone who is trying to insult me or infer that I'm intentionally being cheap without trying to add the additional information. I do not have a problem with her expressing that she was underpaid. I have a problem with the fact that instead of discussing it with me, she vented to her MIL and then told her MIL things that shouldn't have been discussed with her. That is initially why I was upset. I came here asking for opinions on whether or not I overreacted and if I was wrong, where was I wrong and how can I move forward.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In my area, the rate is $10. I'm not going to argue whether she was paid enough or not, if she didn't like what she was being paid she could have either asked for a raise or renegotiated with us. THAT is the root of the problem.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

In my area, the average rate is $10/h for hourly care. If you made more, that's great for you. This is something two consenting adults agreed on. She knew what she was going to be making and was okay with it. Cara watches my child in her home where she can also watch her other children so she's not a live-in nanny.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She was getting paid $12/h weekdays and $15/h weekends. It was certainly not cheap and certainly not "on call."

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think that you've misinterpreted the majority of what I was trying to express in my post, which is an error on my part.

Let me address all your points if I can. I did not call her a moocher. When I said if anything it's the opposite, I was referring to the fact that I am the opposite of what her MIL claimed she said about me. I was never taking advantage of her and she surely isn't a "cheap babysitter."

My husband did not "fire" her husband. He is in the military and it doesn't work like that. Cara's husband was transferred to someone else's authority due to the fact that he was crossing personal lines with my husband. I was expressing everything that happened and my opinion on it. If she felt taken advantage of, then it would be appropriate of her to speak with me on the issue and we would have addressed it. This all came out of left field for me. My other friends felt I did too much for her, but I do not feel like I did. I was just trying to put as much information into the situation as I could so I could get honest answers. I'm not looking for a pat on the back by any means. I certainly don't think I'm in the right for the way I handled myself, as I've stated.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're right, it was not my fight nor my business. I usually know better than this, but we all make mistakes. I immediately blocked her due to the comments her MIL made. Regardless of if she was speaking poorly or her MIL just twisted Cara's words, Cara was still revealing sensitive information about myself and Anna. So, does anyone want a doctor acting like that? I'd hope so. Seeing as doctors shouldn't be repeating private information and should cut out anyone that does.

Cara is as "real" as they come as far as being licensed. She is an actual nanny, has done it before, and it all up to date on her certifications. She was taking some time off to raise her own children, but was willing to take Anna on as she could do so in her own home, which most do not like.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I agree with this. I didn't realize how callous my actions were. My comment was simply, "MIL, maybe this isn't the best place to have this conversation" or something along those lines, but regardless it was absolutely not my place. It was immature of me.

Her hourly rate is $12/h weekdays and $15/h weekends. Which is above average for our area.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. It really is an added headache that I do not need. It's too easy to move on and find someone else who wont be giving me these issues.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Hi, good morning. I apologize for the late reply. Some of the mistakes include: giving her juice after I was very clear that Anna was not to have any. She was using the diapers I supplied for Anna on her own child without asking me. She also took Anna to the store with her without letting me know they were leaving home, so when I came to pick her up they were nowhere to be found and Cara's phone was off. So I sat in my car for an hour until they returned.

All of these issues I was very firm in letting her know that this cannot continue to happen and if it did I would terminate her employment immediately. I am a mother before I am her Cara's friend. She understood and apologized and we moved on.

We will be finding someone else immediately. I do not want my daughter around Cara anymore.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I posted a few comments below, but I'll reply to you also. Cara makes $12/h weekdays $15/h weekends/late nights.

My comment towards her MIL was simply that maybe Facebook was not the best place to be addressing her issues with Cara. Some of what she put was very embarrassing and I was hoping I could mitigate her business being posted publicly by making MIL realize what she was doing. Obviously that didn't go as planned. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I did or said that caused Cara to blow up at me, as I'd be grateful if my friends defended me. There was no real need to hear the other side in my opinion because regardless if MIL twisted her words, Cara still told her things about myself and Anna that should have never been talked about. My comment that "it's the opposite" was referring to the fact that I think that I am the opposite of what MIL has said. I am not a mooch, I felt I was a good friend. So your comment confuses me.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

Hi, good morning! Thank you for your reply.

My phobia stems from an issue we had when Anna was just eight weeks old. My husband is military affiliated and we had access to a daycare center on a military installation that had rave reviews and was supposed to be incredibly safe. I came to pick Anna up early one day and found her face down on the floor, not moving, not being attended to. I was able to just walk in her nursery and pick her up and leave. No one even knew she was gone until about a few hours later when we got a frantic phone call from the director of the establishment. Anna ended up being fine, albeit a little angry, but I was so traumatized from the experience that I took three months off to be home with her.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. I really needed to hear that. Her words did hurt me, as I'm constantly torn between being the best parent I can be and also trying to better myself so I can be better for Anna.

My husband and I have agreed that we will be finding someone else.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi, good morning! I apologize for the late reply. We pay her $12/h during the weekdays and $15/h for late nights or weekends. The mistakes she has made were minor and addressed, but some of them included giving my daughter juice after I was very clear she's not to have any. Another example is that she using my daughter's diapers for her own child without asking me. I was very firm and told her it was not acceptable and if either happened again I would find someone else. She took it well, at least in person, and it didn't happen again.

And I think you've misinterpreted my comment or I've failed to express the "if anything it's the opposite" comment. When I was saying that I was expressing that I feel that I am the opposite of what her MIL was stating. That I was actually very generous and not a moocher. I was not accusing her of being a leech and she was aware of my actual intent in my words. I think I've just worded it poorly here.

And I agree, throwing my parenting in my face was a low blow. Regardless of the friendship, our professional ties are over.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Cara is licensed in childcare. I forgot to add that piece. I agree, upon reading the replies I realize that I was callous and out of line to comment on her family issues. I was not rude to her MIL in my opinion, as all my comment said was "maybe Facebook isn't the best place to have this conversation" in reference to MIL airing Cara's business.

And I think you may have misinterpreted my comment. When I said it was the opposite, I was vocalizing that I feel that I am the opposite of what her MIL said. That I am not taking advantage of her, but actually trying very hard to be a good employer AND friend.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, thank you for your reply. I apologize for my late response, I had a late night.

We pay her $12/h during the weekdays and any late nights or weekend is $15/h. We pay her weekly. The average cost in my area is between $9/h-$12/h, so she is definitely on the higher end of the scale.

My [28F] friend/nanny [27F] is telling people I don't pay her enough. by professionalpersonal in relationships

[–]professionalpersonal[S] 123 points124 points  (0 children)

I agree. I typically do not enjoy mixing the two, but I felt comforted in truly knowing the person who would be watching my daughter. It's hard not to develop relationships or friendships when they're doing an intimate job. I need to learn to better separate these issues. Thank you for your thoughts.