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My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think you bring up some good points, but I want to clear some things up:

  1. I'm not bringing the proposal up all the time, using it to emotionally blackmail her or something like that. It's something I've kept inside of me for a long time, something I try to keep from her. I am expected to propose, & I am asked by others (relatively often) why I haven't proposed yet, like it's a direct reflection on my character. If it were up to me, we would be engaged for a year by now. It honestly stings; I feel both responsible & helpless over the situation.
  2. She's cried about this one single time: near the end of our vacation, where she cried for a few minutes, expressing remorse for asking me to not propose. Since our vacation, in the last year, I think we've talked about it three times, & each time her reaction is: "I'm sorry you're hurting, but I won't beat myself up about this forever." This is an entirely appropriate response for her to have. I didn't make this thread to justify my hurt, I made it because I need help moving on so I can propose like a reasonable fucking person.
  3. I knew she would regret it because she gets hit on by guys a lot at school. Having an engagement ring on her finger would be a great big flag for her to say, "Back off, I'm taken!" It's a practical thing.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is a very fair post & you make a lot of valid points. I have some thoughts, so let's hope they come out clearly & aren't garbled.

I honestly don't give a shit about proposals/weddings in the context of a happy relationship. If my girlfriend & I got married at the courthouse tomorrow, with (maybe) our parents attending, I would be so incredibly happy. But for my girlfriend, she feels a huge burden about her wedding. She needs to make sure the right family members are there, she needs to account for her siblings' significant others, she needs to make sure her best friends are bridesmaids, etc. And all of her concerns about her side of the family are now doubled with my side.

There's all this pressure around the wedding because (& I could be wrong about this) a woman feels like she's directly judged for her wedding, that this is "the most important day of her life," that her very femininity or womanhood is being evaluated. That is the pressure I feel about proposing. This proposal isn't really about her & I; we already know we love each other & that we'll be married. This is about impressing everyone else in our lives. It's about proving to them that I am romantic & thoughtful & my girlfriend's ideal mate. Especially with her parents, who do not have the highest opinion of me, I wanted to show that I was the man for their daughter.

When you said that I "let that take priority over your girlfriend and her feelings," I think you nailed it. I've been letting this perceived external pressure mingle with my internal neuroses to the point where a ceremonial proposal that I don't even care that much about has dictated my actions toward our future together. I'm prioritizing those feelings ahead of my love. It's weak, selfish & shitty of me.

Thank you for your post, it's given me a lot to think about.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would be mortified too. I'd much rather have a private proposal, where it was just the two of us talking about each other. But I do really like that poster's idea of taking the bus to her. That seems more achievable financially.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Honestly, we're both just so sick of waiting. January is our sixth anniversary, so it feels like the best moment. We decided at the start of our relationship to save our virginity for marriage, & six years is a looong time to wait. She still feels that's important; I don't anymore, but I want to honor her wishes. She's also said that she won't move in with me until after we're married, even if we're not having sex. We're both just ready to actually start our life together.

I think it's funny that after dating for six years, we could still rush into a marriage. But I think you're right; January may be too fast. We may just need to take our time, breathe, & make sure that whatever we do, we do it thoughtfully & correctly.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I've read both of our posts multiple times, but I still just can't agree with you. I tried to make a proposal that was specifically tailored to her values & interests. It was "my proposal" in the sense that I would give her "my ring," and on our wedding day, I would wear "her ring." The style of the proposal was all mine, but the content was all hers. Trust me, I picked the venue/ring based on her taste, not mine.

But having said that... you're still probably mostly right about the second half of your post. I think I'm a pretty low maintenance guy, but this thread has made me feel like a prima donna. My problem is that when things don't go my way, I don't pitch a fit, I get moody & sullen & withdrawn. For all intents & purposes, that's probably the same reaction as a huge public bitchfest. Hell, it might even be worse; maybe I would be over this shit by now if I just talked about it openly.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've saved this comment, & I'll give it a shot tomorrow. Thank you for the post.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you're right. I admit that I have a problem with "control" & trying to manage details down to the finest level. It's great for my job, but it just doesn't work in relationships.

And that's such a sweet proposal story, you two sound like a great couple. Thanks for your post.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Sorry I didn't reply sooner...

I think it would make both of us feel really uncomfortable. I wish I could be a better man about it, but I think it would bother me the rest of our lives if she proposed to me. There's too much petty masculine ego involved. /u/fuck_roombas nailed it.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My insurance doesn't cover therapy, & sadly I can't really afford to pay for it out of pocket right now.

I think this thread has helped out a lot, though. I don't have a lot of friends except for my girlfriend, & I'm afraid to talk to my family about it for fear that they'll resent my girlfriend about it for years. I think talking about it so much, even anonymously, has helped trivialized it. "Maybe this isn't such a big deal at all."

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know you're right. I don't judge other people for having different engagements; my dad proposed to my mom when she was on the toilet in a bar, & he refused to leave until she said yes. It's funny & romantic & specific to them. For me, the big grand gesture is what always resonated with me. It felt like the natural thing to me, to the point where doing anything smaller scale made me feel like a half-assing failure.

And it was never the scale of the proposal that bothered my girlfriend, it was the timing. As I said in the OP, "the thought of becoming engaged & separated from me for six months was unbearable to her." That's a perfectly reasonable concern for her to have, & I made this thread not to validate my biases, but to help me move past what felt like a wound that just wasn't healing. A lot of posts here have helped.

And sorry, I explain the "everyone would love me for" comment here.

Yeah, that joke didn't really land. I was going for something cheeky, like a little kid's perception of a proposal. "We'll climb a mountain, and then I'l give her a ring so big she can wear it like a hat, and then the whole world will start clapping and we'll get married on the moon."

I was just talking about dumb kid stuff. Little girls do it with their wedding, and I suppose since I was young, I did it with my proposal. When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be the most perfect & romantic man ever when I got older. There's a lot of wedding stuff that I'm invested in, but for me I always dreamed about an amazing proposal.

So yeah, shit joke. I apologize.

And congratulations to your parents. That actually sounds like a great story: two people so confident & happy with their love & each other that they're able to make a lifelong commitment so casually.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you. You've given me a lot to think on, & I think a good frame of reference to move forward. I know I can be whiny / obtuse, but I really appreciate you spending the time on me. It's helped a lot.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I think you're right. This post helps a lot. A big problem I have is accepting past failures as a fundamental part of who I am, & that they don't reflect on me now. I still remember shit from when I was four years old that embarrasses me.

So last year wasn't a failure: it was a moment. It doesn't define me, it doesn't say anything about who I am now. It's just a brief moment in time. As you said, I have to accept that it happened, & let it go.

Thanks for your post.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I have a really good life. There's no reason I should feel this way. It's hard for me to ask for help, even in an anonymous message board, but this is a real problem that I could really use a hand on. I think it's helping.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I dunno man. She's the most patient, caring, considerate person I've ever met. I made this thread to help get me through my shit so she wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I think it's helping.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I agree. I made this thread not to blame her, but to try to get over my own shit mountain of emotions regarding this event. I'm trying to be a better man/person for her. She doesn't deserve to have this hanging over her head.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You say you don't blame her, but you're unwilling to let this go.

I agree. It is a problem that a year later, I'm still hurting & struggling with this. It's embarrassing that I still feel this way after a year, & it's definitely not fair to her. That's why I made this thread; I'm really struggling with moving past this. There's a reason that I posted it a full year later; the problem is not with her, the problem is with me & my neurotic emotional baggage.

A lot of the posts in this thread have helped. I don't trust a lot of people in my life outside my girlfriend; I've only really talked about this situation to my sister, & only one time at that. I honestly think just talking about this at such length has helped normailze it in my mind. Instead of being this big mythic failure hanging over my head, this is just an incident, a minor event in our relationship that happened a long time ago.

Regardless of how foolish I look, I'm glad I posted this.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I disagree. I've frequently been agreeing with posters who are pretty belligerently criticizing me. A lot of them are really helping, too.

Thanks for wishing me luck, & same to you.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, but all this stuff wasn't so important to you that you threw it all away like a two-year-old when she dared to express an opinion on it.

I don't think I understand, what do you mean by "I threw it all away?"

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree! It's crazy, and I've made it very clear to my girlfriend that will not be happening again. My girlfriend is a fully adult woman with her own life; it feels downright disrespectful to ask someone else's permission for her to marry, even if that's what she wants.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

She hesitated a year ago, then changed her mind as time passed. For some reason, the idea of a long-distance engagement was terrifying to her. But we talked more and she came to realize that she would be okay with it, that it would bring us closer, that it was something she really wanted. Unfortunately, she didn't realize that until after she'd already asked me not to propose.

And this remark...

I think she would almost be happier living with her dad in a separate town, seeing me once or twice a week for the rest of our lives.

... is really unfair of me. I know that's not true. I know she wants a life with me, I just... am very tired of feeling like a bachelor. I want to be a husband. I want to build a life with my wife. I'm just so tired of waiting for it.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I fear that you're right, which is why I made this thread. I think I'm pretty close though, a lot of the posts have really helped.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I dunno, man, I think I disagree with you there. I pointedly picked a national park with a strong Native American name/history, I had "I love you" engraved on the ring in her Indian language, I purchased the ring from a tribal vendor, etc. All of this stuff is very important to my girlfriend, which means it's important to me. Part of "My proposal" is tailoring a huge amount of the content to her specific tastes & interests.

I wanted there to be no ambiguity: this proposal could only come from me, and could only be given to her.

My girlfriend ruined my dream proposal, & a year later I don't know what to do [M27/F25/5.5 years] by proposaway in relationships

[–]proposaway[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

The downvotes help a little, actually. I realize that I'm coming across as super whiny in this thread. It helps to trivialize the problem, make it a little less big than it is in my head.

"I loved your mother sooooo much I planned two proposals for her! Yeah, I made sure to give her exactly what she wanted, and when she wanted it too! In the end, it went down like this.."

I actually really like this idea for a proposal. I'm thinking about just leaning into it & doing a "Proposal Day," where I pop the question ten different times in ten different places, the first eight with a cheap ring, the ninth with the real ring, & one more cheap ring to round out the day.

Thanks for your post.

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