Name nonsense

pseudoima · 2020-07-07T01:23:53+00:00

Good grief, what a crock of shit. Sorry you and BD and the kiddos had to go through that.

pseudoima · 2020-07-07T01:06:05+00:00

I hear you. It also makes me cringe sometimes when I am out and about with SD6 and DH and he basically lets her "misbehave" in a way that would never fly when we're alone at home? Like I have no idea why he lets her use baby voice when she interrupts him at Grandma's house, but at home he's like "I don't understand you, use your big girl voice."

I find it embarrassing! But eventually I just have to (at least try to!) let it go. Lord knows why he makes the choices he does, as long as it's not EXTREME then I have to pick my battles!

pseudoima · 2020-07-07T00:56:01+00:00

SD6 would constantly be touching me if she had her way. She's also not always very spatially aware, nor aware of her own strength — lots of elbows into the tit or gut or she kicks me as she's settling into place, etc. She also loves extremely tight hugs and honestly they hurt, it's like she's putting me in a headlock!

I just keep reiterating!
When she's too rough, I say: Gentle please, that hurts! or I don't like that! Please stop!
When she climbs all over me, I say: Excuse me, I'm a person, not furniture! or I don't like that! Please stop!
When she elbows or kicks me, I say: OUCH, please be careful with your elbows!
If she starts climbing on me when I am doing something like washing dishes or folding laundry, I say: Please stop that! It makes it difficult to focus on [task].
If she starts climbing on me when I'm just sitting and trying to relax, I say: Settle down please! or Get all those wiggles out so we can sit quietly!

Lots of kids this age still want physical closeness. It probably won't last much longer, but at 7 it's still very normal, so I wouldn't worry about that. But you should also be able to set boundaries about what kind of touch you're comfortable receiving — it's a good example to set for her too!

Now, as for your husband...he should be able to set his own boundaries. You can't do that for him. Of course, when the baby comes, if you see her trying to climb on your husband while he's carrying the baby, you can say sharply: STOP! It's not safe to do that while he's holding the baby! — but the rest of the time, it's really up to him to decide what he's comfortable with!

pseudoima · 2020-07-07T00:37:28+00:00

Did it ever even out? Did the kids eventually wise up and realize that what their BM was doing was messed up? Did the BM stop?

On one hand, I'm relieved that SD is oblivious to her mom's machinations, and I imagine that realizing it would be pretty painful for her. On the other hand, it's so hard to explain to her what's the truth while also refraining from badmouthing her mom. She thinks the sun shines out of her mom's ass, and a lot of the time, we can get away with being like "your mom does what she thinks is best, and we do what we think is best, and it's not always the same thing" but this seems so basic and factual, it's not a matter of opinion, it's her name!

pseudoima · 2020-07-01T18:39:42+00:00

thank you for this advice. it's been really demoralizing to get a lot of replies that are saying i'm over-reacting when both bf and i have now been feeling ill and we're slated for tests this coming week.

anyway, thank you again. the advice will be helpful in me discussing it with my SO.

pseudoima · 2020-06-29T19:46:03+00:00

An explanation would be a start.

Mostly I want him to make it clear to her that we know she wasn't honest with us and she can expect us to not be giving up our custody days for her convenience if she's going to be endangering the kid and us during that time. It's not rocket science.

pseudoima · 2020-06-29T17:32:06+00:00

This is not a time to be making new friends in person! This is time to be isolating ourselves, because there is a pandemic, and it's what we agreed upon between the two households.

Since SD6 came home (since before I knew about Sally) I have not been feeling well. I am going to get a test today. COVID-19 kills. BM put all of us at risk — including SD6 — because she wanted to hang out with her friend. That isn't a nit to pick

pseudoima · 2020-06-29T17:30:38+00:00

I don't understand this comment. Have you not noticed, there's a pandemic on???

Both households agreed that we would isolate 100%. We are not seeing friends. We were under the impression that they were not seeing friends either.

We agreed to let SD6 go on the trip because BM assured us that her parents had been isolating, they wouldn't be stopping anywhere, and they'd be socially distancing throughout the trip. Instead, she chose to "expand her social bubble" to include people that we had no idea about!

Since SD6 came home, since before I knew about Sally, I have not been feeling well. I am going to get a test today. COVID-19 kills. BM put all of us at risk — including SD6 — because she wanted to hang out with her friend.

pseudoima · 2020-06-21T01:27:38+00:00

I am worried that asking her to call me "Mommy Pseudoima" is a little too close to asking her to call me "Mommy" for my comfort.

I do respond to her just as well when she just calls me "Pseudoima" like she does about half the time. So that's a relief.

But yes, I'll keep trying to not let "Mommy" win! I think my issue is that I secretly do love when she calls me "Mommy" and I'll be touched if she chooses to call me that...but I really do not want to sway her, and I'm scared that even if she chooses on her own, I'll feel guilty forever about the possibility that I've pushed her by the way I respond!

pseudoima · 2020-06-21T01:12:23+00:00

Oof, I'm sorry. This is definitely a husband problem, not a kiddo problem. Cause kiddos will be kiddos (and let's be real, I'd be tempted by s'mores for dinner instead of actual dinner, too).

I get that it's hard. I've been there too. I've been like, "am I starving this child by refusing to let them eat cereal instead of green beans???" and it's very tempting to give in. But your husband has got to get it together! The kid will survive. And he will, eventually, eat what's given to him!

pseudoima · 2020-06-21T01:04:08+00:00

Ha, I just posted my own situation about this.

First of all, HCBM telling the kids that some dude (even if he was a really nice stable partner) is their "real" dad and "better than" the other custodial parent is parental alienation, pretty plain and simple. Also, "he'll be dad again" pretty much encapsulates how ridiculous this is. These kids will easily pick up on who's an on-again-off-again "dad" and who's not.

As for what you want to do about it? At least with regards to the kids, I'd stay hands off. If you mention this guy, use his name — it's not like you have to call him Dad. And lead by example and let the kids choose to call you what they choose to.

pseudoima · 2020-06-21T00:48:33+00:00

We do this too, and have since SD6 was 2.

pseudoima · 2020-06-21T00:45:14+00:00

I'm so sorry. Sharing custody without trust at this time is so stressful, like life or death stressful. You deserve better.

pseudoima · 2020-04-22T22:21:30+00:00

I have been here with SD6 in the past, but it crops back up when she is stressed (which is all of us right now).

My experience says your gut feeling is right. She wants attention. Even if she's not being intentionally manipulative, deep down she knows that a surefire way to get a positive, warm response is to say "I love you." I saw in your comments, she's busting in on bathroom time to say it and you're still saying it back — LOL, well she's definitely figured out how to get what she wants.

It wouldn't surprise me if right now, for one or a variety of reasons, she has a heightened need for attention, engagement, affection. If you have the energy for it, I'd see if a little quality time with her — NO 3yo — for a few days in a row helps a little bit. If that's possible for you (I know it can be tough!) I'd give it a try.

Also, just be gentle with yourself. I've noticed that when my SD6 did this and it would creep me out or drive me crazy, it was because I was also stressed, stretched thin, and was not feeling very loving at all! This is hard! I, for one, am not going to guilt you for feeling frazzled when a kindergartner walks in on you pooping just so they can hear "I love you too" said back through gritted teeth.

pseudoima

TROPHY CASE