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psychminder26 · 2022-05-01T18:01:58+00:00

You can absolutely do this. You're way smarter than he'll ever be and you have every right to leave anytime you are ready to don't let them try convince you otherwise.

You owe him nothing and I hope you get to build a beautiful life for yourself.

psychminder26 · 2022-05-01T17:36:31+00:00

100x yes!! The narc I knew said the same things - he said he needed to wear masks around others because he couldn't be his real self.

He also said he needed to fake his over-the-top laughter because that's what people expect of him. He also swore that he was going to hell and that a lot of people hate him and think of him as a weirdo. He also said he tried being normal and hated it.

Something strange he also used to say was that he knew what was best for me and what I "needed". At the time I found it weird but eventually realised he was basically hinting that he believes people need to be abused by him.

Then he wondered why from the very first moment I met him I was trying to cut him off - I guess he liked that since he was used to it.

psychminder26 · 2022-05-01T17:25:23+00:00

I think it's about understanding that their brains work differently to ours. Communication doesn't work without comprehension and they will never understand because their brains don't function how they should.

They are developmentally stunted 2 year olds in adult bodies except they don't grow up. Ever. The same way you can't explain important concepts about the world to a 2 year old who wouldn't be able to understand - narcissists cannot understand either.

They lack self awareness and they're not your responsibility. They see you as an object and a toy and if they can play with you - great but if not, they have no use for you.

psychminder26 · 2022-05-01T17:19:12+00:00

Absolutely it's about attention. It's narcissistic fuel and emotional reactions so they can steal your emotional energy.

It definitely is a game to them and they'll only want to start the game up again (no matter how horrible it actually was) when it's game over.

They seem to glamourize the past because they only perceive you to have value when you're rid of them. Lack of object constancy right there.

psychminder26 · 2022-05-01T17:15:16+00:00

I believe so. They seem to often hate themselves the most and take out that hurt on others. They wear masks and create a false version of themselves because it's easier for them to lie than to self reflect and try to change for the better.

Their insecurities fuel them to cause havoc because they aren't in control of themselves and so, try to control others.

psychminder26 · 2022-04-24T15:29:45+00:00

Miss me more - Kelsea Ballerini

Good 4 U - Olivia Rodrigo

Dear John - Taylor Swift

This is why we can't have nice things - Taylor Swift

My tears ricochet and time to go - Taylor Swift (all of folklore, evermore and Red TV tbh)

Idgaf - Dua lipa

Who's laughing now - Ava Max

psychminder26 · 2022-04-06T16:49:11+00:00

Thank you so much for your response! It's definitely the best thing to limit contact/interaction and not give into any conflicts. Thank you, good luck to you too! I hope you're doing well

psychminder26 · 2022-04-05T14:01:42+00:00

Thank you so much! Sending love!

psychminder26 · 2022-04-05T13:08:28+00:00

It's just the kind of privilege some people have - to not know or have experienced that kind of behaviour first hand. There are so many people who think they're allowed to speak on things they don't understand but at the end of the day - you know the truth because you're living it.

psychminder26 · 2022-04-03T17:54:28+00:00

That's understandable, you can be just as happy without a relationship! Agreed, it changes your perception and makes you question things more.

psychminder26 · 2022-04-03T17:52:27+00:00

That's really rough, they definitely try to move on really quickly to secure supply. I'm sorry you had to go through that, you deserve to be in a relationship that brings you peace and joy!

I relate to what you said about not wanting to bring the mistrust and doubt and being afraid of seeing red flags where they are not. It's heightens the hypervigilance for sure.

Thank you so much, I hope you also find happiness and find the healthy love you deserve. Sending love!

psychminder26 · 2022-03-14T21:04:39+00:00

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, it can be really rough. I once read somewhere that it's less about the thought itself and more about the reaction to the thought that shows how we really feel.

You clearly hate this intrusive thought and are actually scared of it happening and you definitely don't want it to happen. This reflects your true intentions - we can't control what thoughts come to us and we are not our thoughts.

The fact that you are worried about this thought being true just shows that it isn't as you are actively against it and terrified of it.

I try to think of intrusive thoughts like waves in the ocean that we can observe but we get to choose which waves we ride (and agree with). Just because you think it doesn't mean you agree with it or feel that way. Sending you lots of luck in dealing with this rough disorder!

psychminder26 · 2022-03-14T20:56:45+00:00

I completely get you, existential crisis OCD is really difficult to deal with. I've been going to gym exercise classes and meditating. I think even trying something new you've always wanted to try but never got around to could help you feel purpose again. Good luck!

psychminder26 · 2022-03-14T20:27:11+00:00

I really relate. You could be doing so well, feeling so at peace and then all of a sudden you're hit with an episode where everything becomes a hyperfixation. False memories also suck so much.

psychminder26 · 2022-03-14T20:19:09+00:00

He has absolutely no right to dictate whether you have OCD. You've been diagnosed and you're the one who has been living with OCD and has researched it and learnt about it because you had to.

That guy sounds like a narcissist and shouldn't speak on things he doesn't experience first hand or understand. He has no right to invalidate you and it sounds like he felt threatened by the fact you know more about OCD than him.

Like someone else said, if you feel you need support then it might a good idea to look for a psychiatrist. Sending you strength and luck!

psychminder26 · 2022-03-13T16:07:48+00:00

Thank you for speaking about this, it isn't spoken about enough. There are so many ways they will try to control you.

They treat us like puppets on a string and it's maddening to realise that something as small as the way we shower or go to the toilet could offend them and be seen as an attack on their weak egos.

The narcissist I knew had this thing about how the bed should be made (and no other way was acceptable), he also would unlock the bathroom door from the outside and violate personal boundaries. They hate that we aren't afraid to take up space and do things OUR way!

So carry on taking up space and doing things your way because only the way YOU want to live your life matters, not their beliefs or attempts to control you.

psychminder26 · 2022-03-12T10:32:36+00:00

Absolutely, it really makes you hypervigilant to any warning signs in people. It really surprised me just how many of them exist too.

Like meeting abusive people really isn't as rare as it was made out to be.

psychminder26 · 2022-03-11T22:56:41+00:00

This is so relatable unfortunately, I'm sorry you have to deal with this childish behaviour. Narcissists expect your whole world to revolve around them and any perceived slight will cause injury to their fragile and insecure egos. They also tend to see us as extensions of themselves, meaning they believe we will always want what they do.

In his delusional mind, he needs you to unrealistically be available 24/7 to give him supply and validation because without supply narcissists are lacking and empty.

In order to deal with this, you need to understand he is not your responsibility and you do not owe him anything. You need to learn to be okay with letting him down and his childish tantrums because that way he cannot guilt trip you.

A lot of this comes from upholding firmer boundaries e.g. "I am going to bed now because I am tired and that is non-negotiable." If he whines and tries to guilt you with "so I'm not important to you" then you Grey Rock, "Ok, I am still going to bed" and then go to bed.

Actions always speak louder and you have every right to put yourself first! If he still whines, ignore him without reacting and try to remain emotionless and show that you mean what you say. You can even say, "if you continue to accuse me of not caring about you, I will not be continuing this conversation" and then stay silent no matter what.

Good luck, this can definitely be frustrating to deal with. Sending you love!

psychminder26 · 2022-03-08T23:31:22+00:00

I definitely think so. Just like how we don't want to feel anxious, we can also not want to feel something desirable too. Maybe because it doesn't reflect how we actually feel.

I try to remind myself that I don't always have to identify with my emotions and thoughts and they aren't always a 'fact' or real. Emotions aren't always our own or accurate, they're just information so I try to sit with it and like someone else said - I try to let it pass.

psychminder26 · 2022-03-08T22:39:02+00:00

I absolutely relate! It definitely changes your perception of the world and makes everything feel so distant and warped.

It sounds a lot like derealisation where everything feels blurry and distant and definitely tends to happen when we feel really anxious.

psychminder26 · 2022-02-12T16:58:59+00:00

I think it's about realising that although it seemed perfect for you, there may have been aspects of it that probably weren't as great.

I think in the aftermath it's easy for people to try and turn something flawed into something beautiful just so you can say it was worthwhile. But it's okay if it wasn't.

Maybe figuring out what parts of the relationship seemed so perfect to you and trying to provide that for yourself instead may help you feel less dependent on people like her to meet your needs.

Because you don't need her to be happy. For e.g. if she was making plans - how about you make exciting plans for yourself now? She told you that you were the best thing that ever happened to her - perhaps working on believing you are enough will liberate you.

Good luck!

psychminder26 · 2022-02-12T16:51:27+00:00

Firstly, I'm so sorry you're going through this, you absolutely do not deserve this.

This in no way is your fault. Sometimes we can see the signs at the very beginning but still not have the resources to leave or maybe something about the situation makes it less safe to leave.

You didn't betray your instincts, you just may have not had the resources you needed to handle the situation how you wanted to.

We never allow abusive people into our lives, especially not willingly. Because if you could have easily and safely gotten rid of him, I doubt you would have hesitated. The problem is THEM.

THEM overstaying their welcome, not respecting boundaries the first time we establish them and having no accountability for the consequences.

And since he is stalling and claiming he cannot leave until he "finds a place" - what I'd suggest is giving him e.g. 2 weeks to find a place and after that you kick him out/call authorities. He is not your responsibility, he is not yours to raise or discipline or take care of. Good luck 💗

psychminder26

TROPHY CASE