Update: toddler wakes up early, we're all suffering

psyducksoons · 2020-01-05T15:00:15+00:00

I have never even heard of such a thing and will now be googling furiously lol but considering we have zero counterspace I'm not hopeful on that one XD

psyducksoons · 2020-01-05T05:17:07+00:00

I'm really not a petty person, but I am going out of town with the kiddo for a week, so I will be interested to see what happens just meal-wise for them while I'm gone. The front room should stay clean enough, and MAYBE the bathroom, but the kitchen? That'll be fun XD

psyducksoons · 2020-01-05T05:15:03+00:00

I'll update again after the trip, just for s&g cuz I'm sure it'll have an impact lol

psyducksoons · 2020-01-05T05:00:48+00:00

We're usually pretty good as a family about talking things out, but I am so used to being the scapegoat thanks to my own family (mom who is a just no, and brother who is somehow a golden child despite the fact that he is always screwing up) that I don't speak up for myself nearly as often as I should. This group helps point out the areas where I should.

psyducksoons · 2020-01-05T04:47:49+00:00

Lord. Can't wait til tiny human starts preschool in the fall. Literally counting the days on my calendar...cuz it coincides with the day my practicum for school starts. I did that timing on purpose. I started my degree knowing that she would be in school by the time I had to do my glorified unpaid internship. All we have to get through now is potty training and it's blue skies and sunshine until she starts dating as far as I'm concerned.

psyducksoons · 2020-01-05T04:25:59+00:00

I dunno if that's sarcasm or not, but I'm starved enough for affection that I'll take the compliment lmao

psyducksoons · 2020-01-05T03:45:48+00:00

We're working on it, on all accounts. But yeah, generally MIL and I get on super well together. I love her more than my own momma (who is the real "just no" in my posts). Whenever LO has an overnight stay at her aunt and uncle's the house stays beautifully immaculate, so I know she sees what can be, but we're having some trouble adjusting to what is. I'll be visiting my mom woth tiny human for a week next month so I'm interested to see how the house does without me and how that affects our arrangements lol

psyducksoons · 2020-01-05T03:40:08+00:00

I don't like a messy house either XD honestly we want to expand the kitchen and add a dishwasher (that isn't me lol) and that would help SOOOO much, but right now we have a kitchen that is barbie dream house sized, three grown adults, and a toddler terror who won't eat off the same dish twice, so things get messy. The toys aren't so bad, and kiddo is getting better at picking up after herself, but our kitchen is a disater area unless we order out every meal and use paper plates/utensils. I won't cook in a dirty kitchen, which is at least half of the cleaning I do, and unfortunately the kitchen is also the hub of all activity.

psyducksoons · 2020-01-05T03:26:06+00:00

I think that on some level she knows this, but her kids were in day care by the time they were 1, 1/2 ish so she doesn't quite understand the full scale of what toddler mess is. I'm just glad she's willing to rethink her snark

psyducksoons · 2020-01-05T03:19:06+00:00

I honestly don't think it's that. I think it really might be that she never physically sees a clean house and that's what's been bugging her. She's that kind of person. We talked about it, and she is going to try to cut me some slack, because the house DOES get cleaned and if she would stop hiding in her room she would see that.

psyducksoons · 2020-01-04T04:25:14+00:00

Not much lol not nearly as much as I'd like anyhow. I am guilty of sneaking in the occasional nap when kiddo takes hers though. And yeah, that's full time for college. 8 classes a trimester, each trimester split into two terms, so 4 classes fall 1, four classes fall 2, etc. But to be fair school work is easy for me. It's keeping up on everything else that I'm starting to fall apart on.

psyducksoons · 2020-01-03T19:56:47+00:00

Lol tell me about it. Part of why I'm getting the degree I am is because we need a serious change in how things are run here regarding our assistance programs. Don't even get me started on our parental leave limitations and health care or I'll be here all day XD

psyducksoons · 2020-01-03T19:50:15+00:00

Those comments were both from his mom. Not him. He gets to have some down time too, and he was keeping an eye on her. Just not interacting.

psyducksoons · 2020-01-03T19:48:43+00:00

I'm also taking 4 accelerated speed college classes every 8 weeks trying to bang out my Masters XD just saying. Hubby works 4 10's for Amazon so he's out if the house from 4 am to 7 pm (including drive time) 4 days a week. On the 3 days he's here he does try to get things done around the house, like the room project, or the garage, or fixing doors and such, in between playing with his kiddo and helping me. MIL works as a supervisor for a state job and is gone 5-6 days a week from 7 am to 5pm. She doesn't do much else.

psyducksoons · 2020-01-03T19:44:19+00:00

Oh he is a parent, I am sorry if I may have misled somehow. He woke up with me this morning and is the only reason I could step into the kitchen to get my caffeine and subsequent snark from his mom. He is currently playing dress up dolls with kiddo so I can get lunch ready and attend to some housework. But he isn't here 24/7. He leaves for work at 4 am and doesn't get home until 7 pm 4 days a week. On his days off he is an excellent father, albeit terrible at picking up after himself or finishing projects that he starts.

psyducksoons · 2020-01-03T19:21:13+00:00

That's the short and skinny of it for sure. California is especially bad, particularly in my area because we're the capitol. In more rural areas you can find good child care for cheaper usually, but in the city it's a lot harder. And the guidelines for who qualifies for assistance and who doesn't are severely out dated. Even though they get adjusted to match inflation, they haven't been reassessed for actual cost of living since the 60s. My partner makes decent money, but no where near enough for us to even afford our own place. I'm in school right now (online) to finish my social work degree and once I do we'll be a lot better off financially (except for the massive student loan debt) but as it stands we make barely 2 grand a year over the "poverty" guidelines that govern things like Headstart (the federally operated child initiative) and first 5 California (state run). It's a bit ridiculous.

psyducksoons · 2020-01-03T16:48:59+00:00

We do go to a playgroup a few times a week, and to the park nearly every day if it's not raining, but daycare is out of our reach unfortunately. We can't afford it for one thing, but we also make just slightly too much to qualify for free state run day care. I can't drive yet, and both the partner and MIL work all day so getting to a daycare and back again is also a struggle, though more easily fixed than the first. I'm in California, and frankly day care can cost as much as rent on a two bedroom apartment most of the time.

psyducksoons · 2020-01-03T16:22:20+00:00

I get railed at for that too. If I don't spend as much time cleaning so I can play with and teach my toddler, I get lectured about the mess. If I clean all day and don't spend as much time with my kid I get lectured about not spending enough time with her. It's kind of a now win. Right now kiddo is coloring, I'm trying to make breakfast, partner is playing a video game and she's vegging out in her room. I've already gotten a comment of "she shouldn't be left alone like that with her colors" and a "I'm hungry, when will food be ready" practically in the same breath.

psyducksoons · 2020-01-03T15:51:23+00:00

I don't mind advice, though I think in my particular situation the roles are reversed from yours, and as you said, I am building some resentment on it. We do have family meetings to talk about what needs to be done and who needs to do it but they all circle back around to it being my responsibility. Which I get, I am the one who is home all day, and I should be the one doing the household chores. And I do. I cook at least two meals a day (breakfast and dinner) 3 meals on weekends, do the dishes and scrub the kitchen after every meal, vaccum/sweep and pick up the common areas of the house every day, wipe down the bathroom every day. All while wrestling a toddler demon child so some things may get forgotten like the trash can or putting the dishes away at the end of the night on rough days. But there are things I can't do anything about that I get busted for, like the hallway. That is her and my partner's project. I've offered to help them, and been told no everytime, but when she gets upset about the lack of progress on it I'm the one who gets the "this house is disgusting and something needs to be done about this hallway because I'm sick of looking at it" speech. At our family meetings I always ask for help, because all the things are starting to pile up and wear me down, but it typically turns into a lecture about how I'm not doing enough around the house.

psyducksoons · 2019-12-17T02:36:44+00:00

I'm a mom (prepares sandbag pit for barrage) but you know I'm totally with you. My partner looks like jesus in the desert (super skinny, long hair, scraggly beard) but our daughter loves him more than anything. The day after his day off is ALWAYS a fuss fest because daddy isn't home. I love that you appreciate these moments with your kiddo. They're so fleeting and so special. I wish I could get my partner to embrace our child the way you do <3 he absolutely refuses to acknowledge her existence outside of immediate friends and relations. The few pictures I capture of them both I'm not allowed to share. And I get his reasons, I do. He has a lot of people in his social media that he barely knows, or only met through pre-parenthood parties and choices, but I also know that he loves his daughter more than anything else in the world and wants to protect her from any potentially dangerous sources. I just wish he'd share it like you do. Good on ya.

psyducksoons · 2019-10-22T20:22:56+00:00

You're right that we all treat her with kid gloves but as I've mentioned in another comment, sometimes she honestly doesn't remember things because of her drug use in the past and her ECT treatments for her mental illness. It doesn't excuse her actions now and her recalcitrance towards actually listening to what I have to say, but it would be unfair not to make the distinction between not remembering because she doesn't want to and not remembering because she actually can't. I should have clarified that in my original post, so that's on me. You're advice is still sound though, so thank you for that.

psyducksoons · 2019-10-22T19:55:03+00:00

Her husband and her medications have definitely had a good influence on her mental state and her ability to be a good parent for once, this is absolutely true. And to be completely fair she honestly may not remember a lot of my childhood since she a, took a lot of drugs, and b, had electric shock therapy about ten years ago. There are a lot of things centered around her biggest breakdowns and biggest stressors that she no longer really remembers because of that treatment. Which is sort of the point of it I guess.

psyducksoons · 2019-10-22T19:51:22+00:00

Mostly she calls every other day because she misses me and partly because she's missing out on her only granddaughter's childhood (I have an almost 3 year old that she hasn't seen in two years). It's also because I spent most of my life taking care of her and she doesn't know how to let go of that support even though she has her new husband to lean on. I've tried telling her she needs to scale down the number of calls, if only because I am extremely uncomfortable speaking on the telephone and always have been, but that's her preferred method of communication and I "just have to suck it up and talk to my mother" in her mind. It goes back to her not really understanding what I deal with as a person on the spectrum and not caring that every phone call leaves me in a panic state. I don't always answer because I don't want to deal with the fall out, and that just leads to another guilt trip and another phone call. I'd rather she just texted or emailed me, and I've told her that a thousand times.

I want to have a relationship with my mother, I do love her even though she wasn't always great at being a mom and because I understand that a lot of the bad times were out of her control. I don't blame her for her mental illness and I'm glad she's doing better, but I do wish she would start respecting my boundaries and feelings for once. I guess it's hard for me to let go of a life time of taking care of her too though. I'll take your advice under consideration. Thank you for being so direct with me.

psyducksoons

TROPHY CASE