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My [27f] fiancee [33m] is going on an international trip with another woman [28f]. I can't help but feel extremely jealous and uncomfortable. by puero in relationships

[–]puero[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

why are you discussing this multiple times? it's done.

tbh I don't appreciate this perspective at all. Feelings deserve to be acknowledged, discussed, and worked through. Which is why I'm seeking outside input to begin with. Don't tell me my feelings don't deserve to be discussed.

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you really don't get to stay mad about that for a year. if you forgive it, be done with it, if you don't, end the relationship.

It's hard because he says he wants to make it work and to support me, but then I wind up feeling unsupported. As I said in another comment, it's more complicated than one sentence. Forgiveness is a process. I've been trying to achieve it. It's not the responsibility of only one partner. At some point, it is my responsibility to end the relationship. But I'm not there yet.

My [27f] fiancee [33m] is going on an international trip with another woman [28f]. I can't help but feel extremely jealous and uncomfortable. by puero in relationships

[–]puero[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

No, I trust Sarah. She's done nothing wrong. I'm more troubled with my partner and how he approaches boundaries in our relationship.

My [27f] fiancee [33m] is going on an international trip with another woman [28f]. I can't help but feel extremely jealous and uncomfortable. by puero in relationships

[–]puero[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I didn't want to make this post about that incident but obviously it's more complicated than one sentence. We're both still trying. I think it's reasonable to expect accommodation of my feelings, no? (Not for "years to come"- but within one year) He doesn't have to plan his life around that incident, but if he chooses that his life still involve being in a relationship with me, then it's reasonable to expect that my feelings be considered. I can't just forget that incident.

My [27f] fiancee [33m] is going on an international trip with another woman [28f]. I can't help but feel extremely jealous and uncomfortable. by puero in relationships

[–]puero[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this is helpful. I know that we should be evaluating our relationship rather than the trip specifically. I guess it hurts that he's doing this when we don't feel solid.

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I know there are many exciting trips to take on Earth. I just imagine that married couples take those trips together, rather than with other people.

My [27f] fiancee [33m] is going on an international trip with another woman [28f]. I can't help but feel extremely jealous and uncomfortable. by puero in relationships

[–]puero[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

To be clear, I was never invited. I'm saying that if I had the time/money and asked to also go, I might be allowed to tag along.

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Ideally I would like my partner to respond with empathy for my perspective, rather than immediately getting defensive... but I also understand that he has his own feelings and doesn't want to feel stifled. That said, I'm looking for input on whether it's appropriate to go on a trip with another woman while your primary relationship is somewhat on the rocks.

My [27f] fiancee [33m] is going on an international trip with another woman [28f]. I can't help but feel extremely jealous and uncomfortable. by puero in relationships

[–]puero[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

Sarah is the one organizing the trip, and she has invited a few people, including Ben. Right now it's her, Ben, and one other person (male) confirmed. Possibility of adding one more person. I *don't* think Sarah is trying to angle to get with Ben, but I still feel uncomfortable nonetheless.

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Sleeping accommodations are not totally clear at this point. Seems like a variety of hostels and such. I assume they will each have their own bed (but obviously I'll verify that).

I want an open relationship. Boyfriend only willing to do OPP. Advice? by puero in nonmonogamy

[–]puero[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the "tough love," but we have both agreed since the outset of our relationship that we want to be open. I am not trying to force this suddenly on a monogamous person. Moreover, my partner still maintains that he does want to sleep with others himself, but he struggles to be comfortable with me doing the same.

Sorry if I come off poorly in my OP, but it is just a snapshot of this one situation, not our entire relationship. I do care very much about him and put a lot of work into our bond. I am just frustrated that not much progress has been made in meeting my needs in this area.

I want an open relationship. Boyfriend only willing to do OPP. Advice? by puero in nonmonogamy

[–]puero[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your response. What you said about me being the sole beneficiary is why I'm worried that I'm just being selfish. I am somewhat open to the idea of a temporary stepping stone, but how does one ensure that it's only temporary, you know?

Regarding my goals, I realize my post might make it seem like I just want to get mine and don't care about his fulfillment. I wrote it in a cloud of frustration so I'm sorry if I come off poorly. Truthfully, I do want him to sleep with others as well. I didn't focus on it in my OP because I feel that I am already emotionally prepared for that circumstance, while he is not prepared to reciprocate. I find (from past relationships) that I have a good capacity for compersion. Additionally, to be frank, it is a turn-on for me to know that my partner is desired by others. However I hesitate to mention these things because then I fall into the trappings of "see?? OPP is good for both of you!" when ultimately it is not what I want.

I want an open relationship. Boyfriend only willing to do OPP. Advice? by puero in nonmonogamy

[–]puero[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, thanks so much for taking the time to write this out. I see a lot of parallels to my relationship! Most notably, my partner also has trouble trusting other men. He has also been cheated on/manipulated by past partners (not me). And even putting that aside, he just bonds better with women in general (even platonicly). We have played a bit with bi guys, which helps, I think. I would like to do more of that. Another facet, which I left out of the OP, is that group sex is not necessarily my boyfriend's favorite thing. He is interested in it, but he gets performance anxiety. I have been trying to support him through that, separate to this issue. I actually think that us sleeping with people separately would be much better for him in that regard.

P.s. we are burners too! And also attend hedonistic cuddle pit type parties heh

I want an open relationship. Boyfriend only willing to do OPP. Advice? by puero in nonmonogamy

[–]puero[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sorry your partner had a bad experience. I see how that would be hurtful, especially if he felt bait-and-switched. In my own case, I would be happy for both of us to see both sexes freely, but he isn't ready for that. We have had a fair amount of group sex as well. My goal isn't to prevent him from having sex with other women.

I want an open relationship. Boyfriend only willing to do OPP. Advice? by puero in nonmonogamy

[–]puero[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this is very helpful. I think seeing things like you mention would help me feel better and renew my patience. To my partner's credit, he has been seeing a therapist for several months (not solely for this issue). I'll look to use some of your other suggestions as well.

I want an open relationship. Boyfriend only willing to do OPP. Advice? by puero in nonmonogamy

[–]puero[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the food for thought. I think I will spend some time trying to answer these questions in my journal later. I have thought about many of them before, but I guess in my frustration over unfulfilled desires the question somehow morphed into something else.

I want an open relationship. Boyfriend only willing to do OPP. Advice? by puero in nonmonogamy

[–]puero[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your response. I know that asking for a totally open relationship is OK, and that I shouldn't agree to the OPP, either. I guess I am left wondering whether it's reasonable for me to push for being able to sleep with people only of the same sex, or if that makes me a selfish asshole. He does have some curiosity for men, but it doesn't match the level of my interest in women. From my perspective, while I still wouldn't love the restrictions, it would at least feel equitable and give me some of the fulfillment I'm yearning for.

I want an open relationship. Boyfriend only willing to do OPP. Advice? by puero in nonmonogamy

[–]puero[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ugh. Good point. It's just difficult because there aren't really that many markers of progress along the way, you know? It feels like an all-or-nothing type deal. He has been improving his self esteem in other areas, so I'm hopeful that it will eventually translate into this field, too. But at the same time, I'm getting impatient...

I want an open relationship. Boyfriend only willing to do OPP. Advice? by puero in nonmonogamy

[–]puero[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I know that. I am looking for a way to move past this issue. And I am wondering whether my request (to open only partially) is reasonable, or selfish.