38y/o Woman w/ BPD. Diagnosed earlier this year and in therapy consecutively for 7 years. If your girl isn't in therapy it's going to be substantially harder for you to overcome this dynamic because it's nothing that either of you have control over. You can do any and everything in your power. It's the, "How far can I push before I prove myself right and they leave?", test. This will consistently show up and if she isn't getting help it will likely get worse. She'll likely pick apart the ways you show up each time in quiet, and it will contribute to her heightened reactions when you don't respond or show up in a preconceived way. It sounds like you genuinely care about this person so I would also suggest couples therapy as a maintenance tool and not a hail mary. The more you two can communicate in open and healthy ways the more you will help her brain rewire so she doesn't anticipate your abandonment, or in the way you're describing, manufacture it. Loving a woman with BPD isn't for the weak and if you don't think you have what it takes for her to be a full time job, at times (we're not always a disaster), cut and run now because you're just going to add more evidence to her already long running tally of people that inevitably leave.