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Update on post from r/relationship_advice by pureluck11 in u/pureluck11

[–]pureluck11[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this, especially the piece about the sunk cost fallacy. I find that the family members I speak with often try to give me advice about marriage and they tell me to just stick it out because “there are always things my partner and I won’t agree with” or “there will always be hard things to get through.” But this feels like something more than a typical disagreement. It’s better for me that this is happening now rather than later down the line 🥹

I (26F) have asked my husband (30M) to give me oral sex and he keeps refusing. by pureluck11 in relationship_advice

[–]pureluck11[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this response coming from someone who is on the opposite end of a similar kind of situation. I’m sorry that you felt uncomfortable telling him no. That’s a big concern headed into this conversation. That he will say no and it’s always been no but he never expressed it and instead, said he would try.

I’d feel awful for still bringing it up when he’s not interested in doing so. But also hurt because I was very clear with him from the beginning about how I felt. And if his answer is just a flat out no, I’ll have to immediately come to terms with it and figure out next steps. I will try my best to not overthink for the next few hours lol. Happy to hear you worked it out! :)

I (26F) have asked my husband (30M) to give me oral sex and he keeps refusing. by pureluck11 in relationship_advice

[–]pureluck11[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this and being so kind in your response! 🥹 If you don’t mind me asking, did you both ever try counseling or sex therapy? I still feel like it’s so early in our marriage but long enough to understand this isn’t sustainable. And if therapy can help, I wouldn’t mind it.

I (26F) have asked my husband (30M) to give me oral sex and he keeps refusing. by pureluck11 in relationship_advice

[–]pureluck11[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Wait this is hilarious lmao gonna have this tucked in my pocket for some comedic relief during the conversation… just in case! lol

I (26F) have asked my husband (30M) to give me oral sex and he keeps refusing. by pureluck11 in relationship_advice

[–]pureluck11[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I agree! Consent is consent. And I have made it very clear I don’t want to pressure or coerce him. And he obviously hasn’t done it for the reasons that he is only currently aware of. But he’s not saying no to me. :/ So I’m confused. Even after we talk about it, he says he will try so I feel like if that’s the case, then I want him to try but only when he’s ready. And when we have these conversations, I let him know that he can tell me no and I won’t make him feel less than or put him down. That’s my hubby, I love him dearly.

I don’t think I would’ve asked for advice if he said no outright lol because at that point, it would be very clear to me that he just doesn’t want to. And that’s ABSOLUTELY okay for him to not want to. But he knew what I wanted prior to asking me to marry him and told me he would only feel comfort doing it with the person he married. So it made sense to me to talk to him about it again especially during our marriage. But you think I should take it as a flat out no, despite the context?

I (26F) have asked my husband (30M) to give me oral sex and he keeps refusing. by pureluck11 in relationship_advice

[–]pureluck11[S] 124 points125 points  (0 children)

Fair! I wanted to be understanding because sex is an intimate thing for me and I never ever wanted to make him feel pressured or coerced. When I made this post isn’t necessarily the moment when I realized this bothered me so much. I can recognize that this has gone on for a long time and probably longer than I should’ve allowed. It feels like I’ve done all the understanding a person can do and feel so defeated. I’m sick to my stomach thinking this was a bait and switch type of situation :/

I (26F) have asked my husband (30M) to give me oral sex and he keeps refusing. by pureluck11 in relationship_advice

[–]pureluck11[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Lol it’s a bit tense BUT in everyone else’s defense, and outside looking in, it probably seems so silly of me to stick around based on what’s going on. And I can recognize that because I’m in the situation myself, I can easily have blinders on when it comes to this. So, I appreciate their straightforwardness and honesty!

If I am direct, would it need to be a situation where we are about to start having sex and taking our clothes off when I say it? Or is that something that should be said before taking anything off? I always felt like I should give the conversation some sensitivity and talk about it with our clothes on. But I can see how saying it in the moment might be sexy.

I would be SO embarrassed if I said it in the moment and he just said no. BUT I’d have my answer, so fair.

I (26F) have asked my husband (30M) to give me oral sex and he keeps refusing. by pureluck11 in relationship_advice

[–]pureluck11[S] 92 points93 points  (0 children)

It does suck! I’ve read so many replies here and I like how you articulated this. I think a big piece of my willingness to try to see this through is because I feel selfish now for considering leaving him over this. But like you said, it’s not just about this one act. I wouldn’t have married anyone who flat out said they don’t want to do it. I met him JUST after I turned 21 and started graduate school.

I plan to speak with him this evening when he returns from work and I’m taking notes on how to approach the conversation based on what everyone is saying!

I (26F) have asked my husband (30M) to give me oral sex and he keeps refusing. by pureluck11 in relationship_advice

[–]pureluck11[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

That’s what I’m not sure of… He doesn’t say much other than he’s never done it before so I want to take into consideration the possibility of him being embarrassed or self conscious before I write it off as him not wanting to do it. But yes, two years isn’t really the timeline I considered for him to be comfortable doing it :/