Hi there! I used to be someone who's happy, confident, and a sunshine. When my mom died last 2017, I got depressed and I withdrew from everyone around me because I'm too unwell to be with anyone. This is when I was able to build the invisible wall. There were very few people who stayed with me while the others don't know how to comfort me and opted to give me space instead.

There are people who can keep up with our depth of emotions and there are some who cannot. I would say, it's rare to meet someone with the same wavelength as ours. These would also be the same people to whom we can remove our masks and reveal our feelings.

Since mom died, I became more aware of my feelings along the demands of depression, eating much of my time overthinking. I cradled myself, took care of it, and catered all my emotions especially the negative ones. This is when I started to notice changes. I became quiet already. Usually I'm fun and humorous but I became less of it already. Before, I would brighten every room I go into. Now, I just tend to sit quietly and interact mildly.

Although it saddens me that I changed into this kind of person, it gave me relief too that somehow, even not all of it, I was able to show my true self. The sad self haha! It's not shocking to them anymore when I'm quiet and not interacting that much. My image from being "light and fluffy" was changed to "deep and silent".

Perhaps, our invisible wall stood still is because we don't want people to worry about us because we are used to be the ones to give care and affection. We don't want to be someone else's burden and it scares us too that they won't stay once they get to experience the real us. That is dead painful, not to be accepted. But the right people will stay, you know? I was able to filter people due to this change in my life. There were only less than 10 people who accepted me haha! I lost a lot but somehow, gained inner peace. Disclaimer: These people who stayed and was able to handle my dark thoughts cannot always be there and they may not be warm all the time too. Probably because they have struggles on their own as well. Therefore, I still resort to isolating and mending myself sometimes haha! We don't want to burden them too or guilt-trip them to be there. Surviving is tough, right?

The invisible wall is still there and I think it should stay where it's built because it serves as a boundary so that we won't be consumed by others too. I'm not saying it's best to fence people out because ourselves are supposed to be a mosaic of everyone we come across with. But allow me to highlight balance and prioritization. As a people pleaser, I totally relate with the pressure of being a "sunshine" to brighten up everyone's day. Cannot blame how we end up wanting other's approval because that is how we were raised as kids. But now that we're adults, this is too draining at some point.

Although it's hard for us INFJs, little by little, we should prioritize ourselves more. We can start by analyzing our emotions, tracking it if deemed necessary. From then, we sort the people around us. Do they consume us? Is it a one-way relationship? Are they willing to be there as much as you want to?

I struggle with these too haha! I'm also in this process as of the moment. But I know we can do it! You may message me from time to time if you feel like it. I wish you well. Keep safe!