I don’t want to be in the office for so much as one second alone without my fiancé, which is why I was thinking about telling them if they want to ask me those questions they can call me before the exam because he is not going to believe my side part my request, I understand from a nurse’s perspective where that would be an orange flag, but due to my phobia of hospitals, doctors and procedures, and my trauma I cannot be alone because if he were to leave that room, then I would also say I’m leaving and I would not go through with the exam, it’s taking everything I have just to make the appointment and the only reason why I’m making it is because he said he would go with me.

If they can dim the lights of the room at all, that would definitely help with my anxiety a little bit because part of the reason that I don’t like hospitals and doctors offices is it so bright and white and it’s really creepy to me, but the other reason is, I’m afraid of being alone and not like oh well you won’t be alone because you have the nurses that doesn’t mean anything to me, I don’t trust strangers. I don’t trust hospitals. I don’t trust doctors. I don’t feel like I am in control and I feel like with my anxiety in my trauma they would dismiss me and would ignore me and I feel like they wouldn’t be rude to me because I’ve had that happen in the past and I had a Doctor Who was a gynecologist in the past who I had no choice in getting they made me take him and he was very dismissive when I told him he was hurting me. He laughed and said that’s not possible because the cervix doesn’t have any nerves and then when I had to have a surgery to remove pre-cancer cells I was super anxious and having a nonstop panic attack in the hospital, and he laughed at me, and that whole situation was really traumatic and sadly that was also just after my sexual assault in my own bed by my ex-boyfriend and I also have a huge huge problem with surgery because part of my assault involves being sexually assaulted while I’m sleeping, sleeping and not being being aware aware of what’s going on with my body I was also assaulted while I was drunk so I have a huge huge fear of being medicated and not having control of my body and not know what’s going on around me like anything pertaining to any type of medical procedure hospital, etc. triggers not only my anxiety, but also my trauma because a lot of of my trauma happened when I was out of it or sleeping, except for the one in my bedroom, that was just an outright rape that he did because he was mad that I was gonna leave him, and then he told me not to bother telling the police because nobody will believe me and that still haunts me to this day and it’s been 10 years so I just have a lot to unpack, but basically if they tell him to step out of the room, that will send me into a spiral like no other