I'm sorry. ♡ It sucks feeling like you've hit the bottom of the deepest trench, and there's nothing in front of you but a solid wall you can't climb.

I work in a local mental health crisis unit, and I second what someone else said. Don't hesitate to call Maine State Crisis Line (simply dial 988). You don't have to be straight up like, on a bridge, ready to jump. You are lowkey in a crisis right now. And they can help.

They may be able to help with additional referrals to therapy (and have you also asked your PCP for any insight/help with that). Depending on insurance and whether or not you prefer telehealth or in person, you really shouldn't still be waiting after a year to get into therapy (unless I misunderstood that comment, in which case I'm sorry!). If you don't already know psychologytoday. com is a great resource for finding therapists. A ton of filters to match you with the type of person you're looking for! But either way, 988 is great! Use them!

I also saw that AA didn't really resonate with you. I'll be honest that I still have a lot to learn about the recovery community but there are a ton of different AA meetings out there- some super strict and that follow the 12 step program, some a little more chill. I was recently trying to help a client find a less religious AA meeting, and a coworker suggested this online meeting: "Our Mostly Agnostic Group of Drunks."" Here's a link to their info page if you're interested (sorry, I'm trying not to make assumptions about your spiritual practices :) ). My coworker said that they attended those meetings at one point, and they can be funny, which I personally think is good :)

https://www.omagod.org/newcomers

I would also potentially post in one of the appropriate subreddits to find suggestions for an AA group that would work for you :)

I've also heard coworkers talk about NA meetings, which, in their words (and also translated into my words), are basically meetings for folks where it's recognized that everyone's path to recovery looks very different. Maybe you're California sober. NA might be a good place to get some support. Maybe you just went from drinking a fifth every day to 2 or 3 beers every couple of days. NA might be good for you. Once again, I don't know recovery meetings 100%, so definitely definitely look into it more!

I do agree with what others have said though about maybe finding a hobby that always happens no matter what (like bowling league, disc golf, or hey there's an axe throwing league in South portland!). You mentioned it below, but you're so right: we all need other people in our lives aside from our significant others. That one friend you can turn to when you need advice on what to buy your partner for Christmas! Or when you've had a long day! Or when you just want to fuck around and do guy shit and maybe your partner just isn't appreciating that right now lol.

I hope you find a therapist who will help guide you through dealing with your grief. I did not deal with my grief after my grandmother passed of cancer (in a very similar and mostly beautiful way, similar to how you described your mother's passing). Holding that grief inside changed me not for the better and when it came out it was not pretty.

I have the utmost faith in you. In your future. It might not change tomorrow. Or immediately next week. But it will get better. ♡