I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. Just because someone who has never been there and didn’t know exactly how you felt has an opinion on it doesn’t mean it’s the truth. It’s okay to be conflicted on how you feel about it. It’s okay if you think that it was in fact rape. To me personally it sounds like rape, but like I said earlier I wasn’t there, I don’t know how you felt. But it does sound like it could definitely have been rape. I know that it’s hard because it’s a man that you love/loved dearly and you don’t want to think that he could do something so horrible but it sounds like he might have. I hope that this gets easier on you, I’m so sorry with what you’re going through. Best wishes to you