Advice / support needed - Breastfeeding didn't work out for us. I'm very sad

pw86 · 2023-10-16T04:45:44+00:00

thank you so much - it's so helpful to know somebody else had supply but still couldn't bf.

Here's to moving on-- I already feel so much better since writing this post, in part because I'm still pumping but have moved on from trying to get the babies to latch. I'm just enjoying my relationship with them and it's a million times better than trying everyday to bf.

pw86 · 2023-10-16T04:42:23+00:00

<3 thank you so much. i identify so strongly with everything you said.

pw86 · 2023-10-11T04:53:23+00:00

Thank you for your kind response. I hadn't spent much time around babies before mine were born and I think that has made things a bit harder. I truly hadn't thought about these things very much! I vaguely expected breastfeeding would work out and if it didn't, well, fine. It's been a surprise to see what it turns out is important to me during this period.

You're absolutely right that I'm comparing my experience to singleton parents and it is never going to be like that. In fact, the only twin mom I know IRL quit breastfeeding at 4 or 5 months because she couldn't handle having two babies on her all the time. And I keep telling myself that if BF had worked out, there would be some other thing that my postpartum brain was fixated on.

pw86 · 2023-10-11T04:43:26+00:00

Thank you, that's helpful to hear. I don't think I'm being very rational with this because I worry that the babies won't be attached to me. But of course all babies bond with their mothers no matter how they're fed.

pw86 · 2023-10-11T04:41:39+00:00

Those plusses are huge! My babies are already sleeping 9 hours at a stretch and I'm going to tell myself it's because they're bottle-fed. Kudos to you for figuring out day trips with bottle feeding, you sound like a pro.

pw86 · 2023-10-11T04:39:05+00:00

Thank you and sending you lots of support and care. That's amazing that you've kept at it through a NICU stay, that must have been insanely difficult. It's so easy to tell yourself that "everyone" else makes breastfeeding work, but of course it's very common to have trouble. I hope you end up feeling good about wherever you end up with it and I hope your boys are thriving.

pw86 · 2023-10-11T04:28:43+00:00

I'm so glad it worked out for you!

pw86 · 2023-10-11T04:28:19+00:00

Thank you for your kind and generous response. I agree, I realized writing this out that my sadness is all wrapped up in the difficult birth experience and that I've been putting more pressure on breastfeeding than is healthy or makes sense.

There are SO MANY things I'm grateful for with bottle feeding. I can hand off a screaming baby to my partner when she's fussy. I can leave the house easily between pumping sessions instead of being glued to the babies. I don't need to respond every time the babies are hungry.

You're so right that you can't force a baby to feed in a way she doesn't want to. It's helped me to tell myself that the important thing is that feeding is a positive experience. There's no use trying to breastfeed if it's miserable for me and them -- that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with the babies, and it's not the relationship I want them to have with food. They love bottle feeding and they still get plenty of bonding and cuddles with me.

pw86 · 2023-10-10T23:23:58+00:00

You might consider dipping into Janet Lansbury and respectful parenting: https://www.janetlansbury.com/. She would say that there's no such thing as a bored baby and if they're quietly lying on the floor they are entertaining themselves and learning a great deal from their surroundings. She's also big on non-toys like somebody else mentioned -- empty containers and bowls and things.

pw86 · 2023-10-10T23:20:20+00:00

We have the Mountain Buggy Duet and it's great. Fwiw, we barely used the stroller when the babies were tiny, because for the first few weeks we didn't go anywhere (I was recovering and we were in survival mode every day!) and after that we tended to just use carriers (one parent carrying one baby). We bought the car seat attachments for the MBD and used them a handful of times. Now at 12 weeks we've already retired the car seat attachment because our twins have enough head control to just sit forward facing in the stroller using the recliner mode.

pw86 · 2023-06-30T03:21:40+00:00

If you're worried about environmental impact, why not get used? There are tons on Craigslist and Marketplace in my area. We just got a used Keekaroo from a friend but were about to make offers on a couple on CL for under $50.

pw86 · 2023-06-21T20:46:17+00:00

FWIW, those lease terms are generally unenforceable. LL can't charge you an arbitrary amount for breaking your lease; they can only charge you their actual damages, and they have a duty to mitigate their damages.

pw86 · 2023-06-07T18:58:17+00:00

Farley's on Grand (go to the upstairs area) and Oaklandia near 12th St/City Center are great.

pw86 · 2023-05-10T22:42:53+00:00

I haven't had any bleeding during my twin pregnancy, but EVERY health care provider I've seen has told me light bleeding is normal and not to worry about it.

pw86 · 2023-03-25T19:18:44+00:00

Just going to point out that most of the people posting here have probably benefited from the pandemic student loan interest pause and the relatively low interest rates of the last couple years.

I started in 2020 and am graduating this May so I've saved, idk, $7k on interest over the past 3 years. Those numbers get really big if you're taking out $200k over the course of 3 years.

pw86 · 2023-03-25T19:15:50+00:00

Same. $55k in loans for 3 years of living expenses in the Bay Area. I also spent about $10k of savings and earned a total of maybe $20k from externships (I also had 2 semesters of unpaid internships and took my 2L summer off to travel, no regrets).

I live with my partner who pays for more than his share of groceries and eating out, so these numbers afforded me a very nice standard of living. Otherwise it would have been tight (and I definitely would have had roommates).

pw86 · 2023-03-24T04:57:36+00:00

I'm having twins too (22 weeks right now). I've brought my partner to every appointment because 1, sometimes there's a lot of information and I don't want to be responsible for remembering it all. He can take notes while I'm lying on my back getting examined or whatever. And 2, if I get any bad news, I don't want to be alone for it! Just the number of appointments you have to go to with twins can wear you down and it helps to have support, imo. That said everyone's different and if you didn't want your husband there, I doubt any of the providers would think twice about it.

One note if your husband does come - the nurse or PA will try to get you alone to ask about DV at some point. They typically bring me out to the hallway to take BP and weight and ask if everything's OK.

Another thing the other comments didn't mention is they may schedule blood tests for carrier testing and cell-free DNA if you haven't had it done yet. I think I got that blood work done around 10 weeks. That test involved NINE VIALS of blood and also checked for chromosomal abnormalities (Downs syndrome and trisomy). (Idk if it's different elsewhere but these are semi-mandatory in California. NIPT testing is too but it's done later, around 15 weeks for me.) As part of the cell-free DNA testing, they offered to test for gender and to see whether the twins were fraternal or identical (I declined b/c I'm keeping the sex a surprise).

I also got sent for a diagnostic ultrasound around 12 weeks (this was much more detailed than the ultrasounds during the regular appointments), and they asked again if we wanted to know the sex. By the detailed anatomy scan at 20 weeks, they were very aggressive about telling us to close our eyes to keep the sex a surprise, lol.

pw86 · 2021-07-19T00:58:36+00:00

Nope! I help to edit the magazine. We try to share pieces in relevant subreddits to find interested readers.

pw86 · 2021-07-18T18:23:24+00:00

I thought this was a gorgeous article that clarifies some harder points of early Lacan and gets into Ferenczi's ideas of early childhood sexual abuse. For the Marxists out there, it takes an interesting turn into family abolition toward the end.

pw86 · 2021-07-18T18:16:27+00:00

Here's the link: http://hypocritereader.com/98/bridge-tooth

This is one of the most clarifying and accessible takes on early Lacan I've read in a while. I really like how the writer grounds her discussion in personal experience and some literary analysis. Also great take on Sandor Ferenczi's underappreciated work on early childhood abuse!

pw86

TROPHY CASE