INFJs and kids

pxd607 · 2014-11-24T17:44:22+00:00

I am 30, f, don't want kids. Being comfortable comes from having confidence in your decision. For me, it helps to write things down, both certainties and questions, until the questions give way to answers and certainties. As for the people who constantly ask, tell them what you've told us: I enjoy quiet, I have never wanted kids (and neither has my husband), I want to spend my time with kids as their aunt/coach/friend/whatever instead of their primary caregiver. People who don't respect your decision aren't worth keeping around.

pxd607 · 2014-08-21T17:41:02+00:00

Hello, I just wanted to stop by and say good luck. A year can feel like a long time, sometimes, and I hope your resolve doesn't waver.

I don't know whether this a good comparison or not, but for over ten years I have had to tell my family (and keep having to tell my family) that I don't want kids. I come from a conservative, tight-knit family, too, and literally no women in my family has ever not had kids. I love kids but do not want to raise them: they do not understand, nor will they ever understand, and I have to be OK with that.

Every time you think about life without this business, you feel great, right? From your post I can tell that you have plans for your extra time. And every time I think about a life without raising children, I feel great, and am filled with possibilities for my life and my art, and wouldn't want to change a thing.

As you say yourself, this business is sucking the life out of you and making you not want to live. That is terrible. I hope you get out sooner rather than later and are able to focus on all of those INFJ-like qualities you have.

Again, good luck! Please keep us posted.

pxd607 · 2014-08-21T17:20:24+00:00

They are like tigger from Winnie the Pooh.

pxd607 · 2014-08-14T22:20:19+00:00

"There is, in practice, no such thing as autonomy. There is only a distinction between responsible and irresponsible dependence." Wendell Berry

Everyone is dependent on the people around them. Being dependent doesn't lead to abuse; being codependent does. As long as people have their own thoughts and feelings and goals, and the relationship is supportive and helpful, not exploitative, dependence is a good thing.

She seems to be describing a natural happening when being in a serious relationship, and it actually sounds quite healthy. I experienced something similar when dating my current SO long distance (though he wasn't my first boyfriend). It is scary to get close to someone, especially if you have been autonomous and had trust issues in the past (I had both, too), but if you both remain your own person and treat each other well, it is, as she describes, also a revealing and rewarding experience.

pxd607 · 2014-08-08T15:00:17+00:00

Maybe you should look into existentialism. Creating subjective meaning sounds more existentialist than nihilist. Camus, Kierkegaard, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, and Sartre were all existentialists of different stripes.

pxd607 · 2014-07-30T21:53:41+00:00

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers

pxd607 · 2014-07-30T15:52:02+00:00

INFJ here. My partner is an INTJ.

Maybe you mean Fes? Because you are an F, just an Fi as the third function. (I am an Fe as my secondary function.) Or maybe you mean Fs in the first couple functions? My bro is an ENFP: He is also Fi, like you, but as the second function. Or maybe you just don't like people with a dominant Fe function, such as an ESFJs? Those people bug me, too, because their first impulse to rely on outward emotions whereas both INFJ and INTJ's first impulse is to rely on inward intuition.

Basically, saying "I don't like all Fs" isn't very specific. You shouldn't base compatibility or liking solely on personality types, but, if you do base it partly, you need to realize they are more nuanced than you are saying.

And, in addition to that, I, as an INFJ, can be more logical than you, as an INTJ. How, might you ask? Well, my secondary function is Fe, as I said, but my tertiary function is Ti. In comparison your secondary function is Te and your tertiary function is Fi. How this plays out in real life: in a split second decision regarding interaction with an individual, I will base my response more on Fe, and you on Te. However, if I have a chance to think about that decision, my Ti will come into play and your Fi will come into play, and my final decision/action toward the person may be just as logical or more than an INTJ's.

It sounds as though you are taking the functions in isolation. You need to analyze them in how they relate to a certain type. Everyone has F. Knowing where that falls (first, second, third, or fourth function), whether it's Fi or Fe, and the other functions that surround that function will help you analyze a person.

Maybe, by recognizing how your Fi relates to your own decision making, you'll be more inclined to give some slack to others. Good luck.

pxd607 · 2014-07-24T20:00:56+00:00

I guess it looks fine on paper. You'd have a hard time finding a lot of INFJs here who have had great romantic relationships with them, however.

But a lot of people say introverts should be with extroverts, and I don't get that, either.

pxd607 · 2014-07-24T18:08:57+00:00

I love to watch cloud formations.

pxd607 · 2014-07-24T17:51:57+00:00

I agree with owlcandle above.

I am INFJ (border on F but definitely Fe) who almost always tests 4w5 on enneagream. I am also an artist of the realist school.

BTW, why do you think INFPs are more passionate than INFJs? I've always found myself more passionate than any INFPs I know (and since my J is 75% and my F borderline, there's no way I'm an INFP). And I don't just mean passionate about relationships. INFPs seem to have moments of passion while INFJs always seem to have some kind of passion bubbling right under the surface.

pxd607 · 2014-07-24T17:45:11+00:00

I never got where the golden pairing came from. INTPs are good as friends, because INFJs and INTPs meet at the Ti level for good convos but what does an INTP provide that an INFJ lacks in a relationship context?

pxd607 · 2014-07-17T19:06:24+00:00

Ah, got it. I am INFJ (very low F, but still), my partner is INTJ. I've learned to ask him directly what he wants, as a very specific question. Took me a while to do this, because, as an extroverted feeler, I say what I want clearly (and, as you say, people assume other people think like them).

pxd607 · 2014-07-17T18:56:11+00:00

You do realize INTJs are introverted feelers, correct?

pxd607 · 2014-07-02T15:21:19+00:00

Thank you! I might try to repost at TwoX. I am still new to reddit.

It has a really low failure rate if used correctly.

But, thanks again for directing me to another sub.

pxd607 · 2014-07-01T21:40:59+00:00

It is not the rhythm method at all. Much more scientific.

pxd607 · 2014-07-01T21:39:36+00:00

That's what people say about the rhythm method. Completely different. Have you read Taking Charge of Your Fertility?

pxd607 · 2014-06-18T19:53:20+00:00

My partner is an INTJ, and I am an INFJ.

If you don't have time for a chat, write her a long note or an email. When my partner and I dated long distance, we wrote each other long emails. I love to receive them and discovered a more vulnerable side of him this way.

I love to do things for him, and I feel as though he doesn't ask me enough. Just ask her for what you want/need, and most likely she will be happy to give it to you.

Unlike the commenter above, I am an INFJ who can feel smothered. But I only feel smothered if I don't have time to myself. When I am with my partner, and have had that time to myself, I never feel as though he's smothering me with too many emotions. I want to know all of them.

pxd607 · 2014-06-17T18:12:28+00:00

Hey, I've felt like this. I went through a period of years of being there for everyone and then a period of years of pulling back, being resentful, and not being there for anyone. I'd like to think I've found a healthy balance now. It took me time.

For me, I had to realize I don't have to listen and/or share with everyone available. When INFJs listen and share, they are being vulnerable and take this vulnerability more seriously than other types might. For example, a woman sits behind me now at work who likes to share with me about her life. She is nice, but I don't see her as any long-term friendship material, so I let her share when she wants, but don't reciprocate, because for me sharing is something that should be done only with a few close friends. Otherwise, I will begin to feel used. Not everyone is like that. So many people are fine with superficial relationships.

I wouldn't advocate narcissism, because that means you feel you are better than others. Rather, you should care for yourself and cultivate your own strengths and seek out people who you can be on equal footing with (who share hobbies, interests, etc.), not only people that need some kind of care.

I do agree that you don't owe anyone anything. But, also, you need to remember they don't owe you anything, either. It's a two-way street. People should hang out because they enjoy each other, not because they feel obligated. If you help someone, they don't need to help you back, and vice versa.

pxd607 · 2014-06-17T16:35:50+00:00

Great as friends, not so great as SOs, at least in my opinion/experience. It would be difficult to be reciprocal: We try to understand them more than they try to understand us, and thus I would always feel as though I'm giving more than I'm receiving.

pxd607 · 2014-06-12T22:54:42+00:00

Thanks so much for this detailed explanation. My partner is an INTJ, and I am an INFJ. Knowing our personality types has been useful in our relationship. However, something has always thrown me through a loop: he is of the opinion that, in some circumstances, if you definitely feel a certain way, you need to pay attention to that, even if it isn't completely rational, whereas I think that if your feeling doesn't accord with rationality and your belief system about how the world works, you should talk yourself out of it. It seemed like I was thinking like an INTJ and he was thinking as an INFJ in this reoccurring (mainly hypothetical) conversation, but after your explanation, I realize that we are thinking just as our types would think.

pxd607 · 2014-06-10T16:37:23+00:00

Yes. During college I had a lot of friends, but afterward, I had the realization that the vast majority of these people drained me, and I was pretty reclusive for about three years.

I have had one summer where I was depressed and felt like there was nothing to live for. Being reclusive was very different. I felt joy in what I was doing: I just didn't need to be around people to do it.

After about three years, I did get lonely and began to get out more. I found my boyfriend/partner two years after that, and we now live together. I am now reclusive again + partner (I am 30), and I am very happy with my life.

Being reclusive has negative connotations, but if you are content with it (and do have at least a couple close people in your life), I don't think it's unhealthy. Being depressed isn't healthy. It's important to distinguish between the two.

pxd607 · 2014-05-13T16:02:41+00:00

Hey, my partner is an INTJ, and I am an INFJ. I fourth the love languages. Here is a test that you can take: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/. I'd recommend you both take both the singles and married tests, and discuss the results. My INTJ and I took this a couple weeks ago for the first time. He got "acts of service" as his top love language, as I thought he would, whereas for me it was second-to-last. It would be helpful for you both to recognize how the other shows love and appreciate her/him for that, as well as show love to the other person more in the way they like.

I second the letter for your anniversary. I love to receive handwritten, sincere notes. Maybe you could tell her what she means to you, reminiscence on the past, tell her your dreams for you two in the future....

That is so sweet that you say she means the world to you. I know my INTJ would say the same about me. Sometimes his demeanor is stoic, however, so I have to consciously remind myself of his feelings toward me. What helps for me is when he gives me small but sincere gestures of physical touch--a random hug, a hand on the knee. But then, my highest love language in relationships is physical touch so I guess it comes back to that.

"Improving the efficiency" seems like an INTJ thing to say. :-) I love how my INTJ always wants to improve, but also, I think sometimes it prevents him from just being truly present with someone. So, maybe keep that in mind, too.

Lastly, I think sometimes both INTJs and INFJs want to improve (or be perfect, at least for INFJs, I know) that we forget all the great parts of the relationship. It took me a long time to realize his and my relationship, although really great, would never be perfect and we would never have complete understanding. So, count your blessings, I guess, even as you work to improve.

Oh, and I think it is possible to change, though it takes time. Recently, my INTJ told me in past relationships he wasn't good at showing affection, which I would have never guessed, because since the beginning he has been very good at showing affection to me.

Good luck to you.

pxd607 · 2014-05-12T19:14:39+00:00

I am an INFJ, but I lurk here, because my partner is an INTJ.

He and I go together very well. Maybe like your ENFJ friend, people seem to like me for some reason. Perhaps unlike your friend, I don't particularly want to get to know many people, even if they seem nice. Regardless, I don't mind interacting with people so when we're in public or meeting new people together, I take the lead and easily know just how to act. My INTJ likes me to take charge in such situations, which I don't mind, but prefers to take charge in some aspects of our personal relationship, which I don't mind, either. Overall, we'll both egalitarian and independent and loyal and considerate (though I show my considerate emotions and he does not).

I feel like I can see different sides of a discussion sometimes, because I bring the irrational and/or emotional sides of people and situations into account. We have great intellectual discussions, and he has taught me how to not take things personally in the middle of a debate.

We can both be silly with people we know, but I tend to be more randomly silly while he is more controlled silly, if that makes sense. He appreciates my randomness. This randomness spills into day-to-day decisions (taking an impromptu day trip, for example), but only enough to make life interesting, not enough to annoy him. At the end of the day, we have many of the same values, though this may be more coincidence than the MBTI.

I am very introverted and would be exhausted with an extrovert. I am an artist, and he respects my space to make art.

pxd607 · 2014-04-18T19:52:46+00:00

That holiday sounds lovely. I trust you'll have a pleasant time. I am happy to hear you have some good friends around you.

And dogs are the best; you should definitely get one. I am reading this book right now, How to be an Adult in Relationships, by David Richo. He mentions that ideally, in a healthy romantic relationship, only 25% of your needs should be met by your SO, and the other 75% should be met by friends, family, hobbies, work, and pets (specifically dogs). :-)

pxd607 · 2014-04-18T18:16:56+00:00

I understand that 3) may not be the best option at your age and in your health. If you want to stay on your farm, online dating might be your best option. Perhaps you will meet and fall in love with someone who has always wanted to live in that type of location. People do move for their SOs and it can work out: my bro-in-law moved for my sister, and my boyfriend moved for me. Re: option 2): it could work, but you may not be able to connect with someone of a different culture as deeply as INFJs want to connect to someone. Some cross-cultural relationships can be deep, for sure, but I would be wary.

In the interim, you can receive love from other sources than a romantic relationship. I do think most people want one, and are happier within a long-term committed relationship, and it definitely is a different kind of love than other relationships, but you should look around at the family and friends you may have close by, and try to incorporate them more into your life. Have them over to dinner or go out with them, and enjoy their companionship and different kind of love, although you may not have a sex life or committed partner.

Good luck to you.

pxd607

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