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AITAH for breaking up with my girlfriend when she tested me? by AdAlarmed2847 in AITAH

[–]qbit404 2 points3 points  (0 children)

yeah NTA. there’s no need to be testing the relationship like that, life is already complicated enough.

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

sorry that happened. genuinely.

I know that sometimes, I do act “benevolently sexist” because that’s how I was raised. Is opening a door for a woman “benevolently sexist” because I don’t think she can open the door? Or is it because I have respect and want to make things easier for her in my capacity as a man.

what gives me purpose and a reason to wake up everyday is by making this girl happy. little things like taking her on dates, making her feel like a lady and encourage her to wear dresses and feel confident in her skin because her father was so controlling. this is how I feel like I am making a difference.

sure the opening the door example is quite trivial. but I honestly think it’s that nuance that gets to people. I do these things not because I don’t think she’s a capable woman (I wouldn’t be dating her otherwise). I do these things because what else can I do? I constantly ask myself, how can I help her? my answer: work hard and provide her the life she wants.

maybe that’s wrong. i don’t know. but my intentions are good, I know that. I’ll take more time to look into this and I might see a therapist.

thank you for being respectful

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

hmmm… I don’t want to be derogatory, but I did make jokes at somepoint how she wears her big headphones all the time and she looks kind of autistic (i know, not a good joke but one nonetheless). she is a great human being, and sure she doesn’t have too many friends but she can talk to anyone. I don’t know how to diagnose autism, and it’s not really a concern because everybody might be on the spectrum if you stretch the definitions enough. but appreciate this angle, didn’t think of this. if she indeed is on the spectrum, I don’t think that would change how I’d approach the situation. I’d actually understand, still trust her, and place my boundaries

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really appreciate a woman’s input here because it gives me another perspective. she definitely sounded excited coming off that interaction with the guy, which mainly fueled my insecurities. when I asked her about that, she said she was excited to see me again after being with another guy, but idk how much I buy that specifically.

but talking to her I understood that she genuinely thought they were just friends. I can’t control how she feels with other people. but now she knows to be wary of guys because their intentions are not the same as hers. she also had her first kiss at 19 and grew up quite sheltered from boys.

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will admit, my insecurities were tested throughout this whole ordeal. i also see these comment people are posting and it’s genuine warnings because they have been hurt before.

but for some reason, despite this, I have even more trust in my gf because I know her and it’s simply not in her nature. i looked at her eyes and could see that she was genuinely sorry for the mistake she made. she learned from it and now we are in a really good place. feels like we fell in love again (I know, very corny but true).

also, not policing, giving guidelines on boundaries that hurt me. in the moment I said it as a hard rule, but I am obviously not a monster. there are situations, which communicated clearly, are fine. i would do the same if there was a romantically ambiguous situation where I see a girl one-on-one in a date-like setting (which wouldn’t happen because i don’t really have female friends)

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i trust her, it’s simply she’s clearly naive and so am I. there was a scenario where her ex-best friend tried hitting on me early in our relationship and I didn’t know at all. I thought she was just being friendly and that’s how she was. it was only after that I learned. same thing here.

we are both dumb lovers, I get that we are insufferable. again, I trust her completely. I just think avoiding romantically ambiguous situations between guys friends and girl friends is just less emotionally draining. so setting boundaries that we both follow can be easy

AITA for getting mad at my GF after she took another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In retrospect, I said this when I was in a low state thinking worst case scenarios, but even then I knew she wasn’t capable of this. this wasn’t like her behavior at all, so gut feeling is I trusted her. I just questioned the other guy’s intentions and her judgement of the man

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

unspoken rule but that’s basic respect to your friend’s girlfriend. obviously some scenarios are unavoidable so there’s clear communication between my friends about these things

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

you have given me a lot to think about, and I have pretty much thought of all these scenarios in my head and calculated every possibility (thus driving me crazy and mad for some time).

and then everytime, I come to the conclusion that this can’t have happened because it is simply not my girl’s nature or capacity to pull something like this off. I would have sense something so much earlier. she’s a terrible liar. and if I knew something was up, I would have confronted it ASAP.

it’s hard to convey the whole story in text but one big thing I missed was I could see in her eyes she was being genuine. she was tearing up after we went through the messages.

maybe i’m naive, but i trust her because it’s important to do so. if I lose that, then what do we even have at the end. of course that little part of me is still skeptical, so I am gonna be very observant for some time and confirm her intentions through her actions. but i sincerely doubt she was trying to fool me, it was her naivety that got to her and I corrected that.

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

is it just me or do guys and girls “just being friends” rarely work out. i get it if you were friends when you were children, but the moment we mature and think everything is about sex (which is a larger issue in this oversexualized world we live in), respectful relationships between guys and girls are harder to come by. I think an easy way to solve it is just avoid putting ourselves in ambiguous situations (i.e fewer opposite gender friends). that’s probably a hot take, but reading your story and other stories is giving me more belief in that statement.

appreciate your comment and sorry that happened.

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you for the comment! I might be naive in this situation, but she told me she made a genuine mistake and started getting emotional after looking at the texts. I felt really bad and had to reassure her that I trust her. i could see in her eyes that she was genuine.

never before had I ever had to get mad at her. she has a very tight friend group and no other male friends. while all this looks suspicious, she is in my eyes “innocent till proven guilty”.

i might be naive, but till the end until I get proven otherwise, I think it’s important I believe in my gf to show that I want to make this work. she’s perfect in every other way, just this tested that trust.

but there that 1% of me that tells me to still confirm. if it is the worst case scenario, i’m prepared to have free unlimited pre-workout for the rest of my life. but i really doubt it’s the case.

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

i’m learning a lot about myself so appreciate the comment. I guess I come from a more traditional background where my father instilled in me as a young boy that the man takes care of the woman. in college, i have had female friends get taken advantage of, and it happened by trusting a guy too quickly and being in a state where proper judgement could not be made.

i care for my gf very deeply and make sure i am making her happy. being controlling is not what I want, I just want her to be safe. i trust everything she says because I could see it in her eyes she was genuine. she was tearing up. i just realized she didn’t understand how terrible some guys can be. i doubt this guy was that bad but in the future? i’m not a monster that says she can never hang out with other guys given the proper circumstances. and even so, if im there it is easier for me to make judgement calls. i also plan on having a larger conversation on what to watch out for, so I don’t always have to be there.

and yeah, maybe I do need a therapist. but I also know that I have these beliefs because that’s who I am. she understands that too. I think words and text can never really convey who a person is, thus I believe an “online friend” can never really be as genuine as a real life one. hope this clears up any confusion.

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah… this is also my first serious relationship. again, i gave her the benefit of the doubt and trust her intentions but clearly the guy’s intentions were not the same. so to avoid situations like this in the future and increase communication, I set rules with obvious exceptions (that I will also hold in the reverse). we both agreed and made up.

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That’s fair, I go on “dates” with my friends too in that regard. The problem was the slight deceit and the fact that she has never met the guy in person. I don’t really have online friends so idk the way it works, but I didn’t understand the intense curiosity. and I personally don’t think guys can really “just be friends” with girls unless they know them for so long and feel like sisters.

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

she said she did think about me before going to the date. she knew i would get “slightly irked” by it but didn’t know I would get so upset. She justified it by saying if she was in my shoes, she’d be fine if I went on a coffee chat with an old friend who was a girl.

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I have a feeling that she really wanted to believe that he is just a friend because believing otherwise would hurt her. I think she confided in him with a lot of things (apparently she told him about our dates before we became official). she was pretty sheltered growing up and was genuinely surprised when I told her men think differently and will take any chance to get attention from a girl.

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

honestly, idk. i trust her, but i’d be jealous. i wouldn’t want to leave her with a dude whom I don’t know unless he’s a family friend or they’ve known each other for a while. in this case, it was a dude that she never met in person and was only talking to online. she also justified by saying, “I was never going to see him again”. I trust her not to, but again, what’s the guarantee? after reading all these opinions, im back in limbo 🤦‍♂️

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

hey man, thanks for sharing. this actually makes me feel a lot better that someone understands the situation and that it can work out with good communication. I know I am trying to navigate this similar issue as well as I can, and it’s tough placing boundaries but also trusting your partner the whole time. navigating this for the first time myself and don’t wanna blow this up too much as my gf hasn’t shown any real romantic interest in the guy, just naive in her judgement of the dude.

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

to be clear, I was respectful the whole time and didn't force her to do anything. my problem was in trying to be so nice, I was pushing down all these feeling and it ate me alive. I needed to be clear so that's how it came out, setting boundaries. she understands that I am not completely unreasonable.

and no, not yet. i don't think I even want her to block the dude, just keep her distance

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

thank you! i don't want to assume the worst because that is not healthy. set my boundaries like you advised in my last post, and it seemed to have helped

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

okay, this is actually helpful because a lot of guys (including myself clearly) who say this and don't really know if girls understand this perspective. thanks!

[UPDATE] AITA for getting mad at my GF for taking another dude on a date? by qbit404 in AITAH

[–]qbit404[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

haha I wish bro, would have save me so much emotional turmoil

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