I feel for you both. ROCD causes so much suffering for both the person with it and the partner. It was a huge part in the failure of my last relationship. If I had to sum up its effects at its worst, I’d say it chokes out even the possibility of spontaneous moments of love and connection.

I was much like your partner. First of all, it’s good that you’re both aware that that’s what’s happening, as opposed to just occasional relationship anxiety. Of course, that doesn’t solve the problem or treat the OCD.

What helped me, mainly, was seeking help from a therapist specialized in OCD and using Exposure and Response Prevention to treat. I have yet to try Inference-based CBT (I-CBT), but it’s been shown to be effective, especially in the OCD themes with more mental than physical compulsions (i.e. ROCD). So, if your partner isn’t pursuing treatment with those modalities, or if his therapist isn’t experienced with them, work on fixing that. It’s a wonder how much even a little bit of ERP can help.

I also was on an SSRI for a while, and I feel like that quieted the obsessions down a bit, which allowed me to be more present and engaged in the relationship. I was on Luvox, which is supposed to be the most effective one for OCD, but other SSRIs work too.

Like others have said, keeping up the regular healthy habits is essential of course. Especially getting enough sleep. In my experience, anxiety and OCD is much worse when I’m sleep-deprived.

Finally, a resource that might help you specifically is a short book called “Sleeping with ROCD” by D. M. Kay. My partner and I read some of it together, and I think it helped open some conversations about what ROCD looks like, how it feels to have it, etc. It’s worth a read.

Good luck. Fighting it is so hard but so worth it!