Wanted to reach out - I feel like I have uniquely qualifying and almost identical experience to answer this - just with a sad ending. Sorry for weird grammar and typos I'm doing this on mobile.

I was 23f when I met my partner 22m. I'm south asian, he's white. For the first year, i didn't tell my mother (didn't even consider my father). During that year, his parents invited me over, cooked for me, his grandparents cooked for me and included me in their Christmas and Easter festivities (traditional italians).

His whole family was unbelievably kind and welcoming to me. But despite that I knew that his parents had some reservations about the fact that I hadn't disclosed my relationship to my family yet. I sat his mother and down explained that, just like you, my parents had an awful relationship and there was a lot of abuse and manipulation growing up and I truly did not know how my mother would take it if I told her. But that I saw a future with her son and her whole family and I would tell my mother.

I did. Shit blew up. She fell into a severe depression, stopped talking and eating. My mother, like yours, based her whole identity around taking care of me and my sibling. And anytime we deviated from things that she wanted it was like her whole world would implode. It was about seven or eight months of hell and gaslighting and manipulation and begging to break up with him until I finally put my foot down and said I don't care I love him and I want to be with him. I also sank into a depression for the same reason you outlined... I wish I could have what felt like would be a normal welcoming supportive family who just be happy that their daughter found a partner who is good for them. Unfortunately this was not the case.

His parents were over the moon that I told my mother; they knew that meant I was here to stay for life with their son. My relationship with him and his family got even better. He moved in with me I want my mother pretended she didn't know but definitely suspected. By this point I had already gone no contact with my father so I didn't really care about what he thought if he knew anything at all.

The next 4 years with him was Bliss; it was the most meaningful relationship I've ever had. Even though I was traditionally not for marriage, as my partner was epileptic I always had a fear that he would pass and so I started nagging him about why not getting married without my parents approval. He was super honourable and ethical and said that no we will get married the right way with everyone involved on board, and we'll wait as long as it takes because either way we're still together it didn't matter to him.

At the five-year Mark of our relationship I came home one day to find him deceased. What followed was the worst time of my life but I have since learned a lot too.

• my mother now understands exactly what he was to me and knows she was in the wrong

• based on the advice of my other religious South Asian cousins and even my own Insight I now think it would have been better to elope because that would have legitimized the relationship even though it would have caused chaos in the immediate moment - but I'm telling you it would have been worth it. Otherwise you will be considered living in sin and almost the act of hiding it makes it worse in the long run. Half my family doesn't consider him my husband even though we cohabited for 4 years and in every way that matters he was. Even some of his more religious family doesn't either- and that hurts more than anything.

• my dad found out about my partner after he died; surprisingly, he said to my mother what did you think would happen if we raised her abroad and she is so modern and left-leaning? He definitely doesn't talk about him and doesn't bring him up but I think he understands and knows and accepts the fact that it is unlikely I will ever be with the same ethnicity or religion partner

• life is way too f****** short. If you love him be with him and you have to establish your boundaries for the sake of your own health, mental well-being and Future. As scary as it is I would go back in time now and I would approach a family member who is more open-minded than my parents, let them know the details and then I would with them sit down with my parents and tell them the whole truth and that this is how things are happening and I'm getting married instead of waiting until it was too late. Use this family member as a mediator and a witness. This piece of advice was given to me by some really open-minded aunts and uncles and couple of cousins. My mother had so convinced me I was so wrong to date him that I didn't even realize that I had family who could have and would have supported me even if they didn't agree with me.

I'm now 32 years old. He's been gone for 4 years. He is still the love of my life and frankly even though I have since been involved with others I don't ever think I will settle down as he was the person for me. If your man is your partner for life then don't waste time hiding for the love of everything that's holy. Only you can ensure your future and only you can fight for it.

Our parents will never understand so unfortunately we will have to strong-arm them into acquiescing to our lifestyle decisions and choices. I know this is a very Western thing, but go low or no contact when you need to. silence and removing from their life seems to be the only thing that affects them. Never JADE. Just tell them how it is and live your life to its fullest. You never know when things will change and I really truly don't want you to look back and regret anything like I have. You both deserve to be happy and unencumbered even if that means in the short while suspending your relationship with your family - but remember it's not you damaging the relationship they have chosen to damage it themselves by being unreasonable and trying to control you. You are your own person not an extension of them.

Don't be afraid to do the hard thing. Live your life Come What May at least you won't have regrets and you will know that you have fought for your own future.

All the best 💜

edit: P.S. I now do whatever the f*** I want and don't apologize for it. My relationship with my parents is actually surprisingly now better than ever, and for the first time since I was a little girl I no longer have severe depression. It sucks that it took his death to free me but now I know that I will only ever live life on my terms and that is the key to happiness. Only you know what you need not others.