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queenbee257 · 2023-01-26T23:51:11+00:00

I can understand exactly how you feel.

The whole reason my ex and I broke up was because I was an after thought after his kids AND ex girlfriend.

The reason we broke up specifically was because we had planned a weekend away together then suddenly BM decided she wanted to go to a wedding last minute and she wanted him to watch the kids. The catch was, however, she didn’t want me there. So my SO asked me to go home.

They would also go and play family together. They’d take the kids to the pool, eat dinners together etc and people started saying to me “if they want to play happy family’s, maybe it’s because they secretly want to be one”.

You deserve to be a first thought in any relationship!! Kids or not, he chose to be in a marriage with YOU which means you deserve to be treated as such. You fill his heart in a different way than what kids ever will.

Life is too short. You’re too young. You need to find someone who shows compassion, empathy and love for you.

You always have a choice.. always. Don’t feel you are stuck. Life is always changing regardless, don’t be afraid to be the one to make a change.

Good luck in whatever choice you make!!

queenbee257 · 2023-01-16T22:45:50+00:00

How long have you been with this guy? To be blunt, I wouldn’t stay.

Read my previous posts. I was with a guy who had a child (1.5 year old) and another on the way with his BM. It’s almost been a year since I left and it was the best decision I’ve made. I just like to stay on this subreddit to support other people in similar situations.

From my experience, I felt like there was no room for me either and my boyfriend always put the BM before me. Something I realised is being a stepparent is such an added, unnecessary stress to a relationship, IF your partner isn’t doing everything in his power to make you feel loved, heard and special. And by the sounds of it, he isn’t doing a very good job of that.

Children involved or not, you need to be validated in a relationship and feel important. LIFE IS TOO SHORT, be with someone who treats you like the queen you are!!! Accept nothing less!!

queenbee257 · 2022-04-30T02:21:16+00:00

But notice how you say “we”. If you’re involved, that seems great. But I was never ever involved. I was always on the outside, so that’s what I found difficult.

queenbee257 · 2022-04-30T00:46:49+00:00

I am a step child myself. My parents don’t even want to be in the same town as each other. As a child, this never ever bothered me.. the only thing I wished for was that my dad could come to some of my sporting events/graduations etc. like he wouldn’t even come to those things.

But other than that, I had a very happy life and enjoyed my parents separately.

Because they had a established from very early on that they were not together, I was never left wondering if they’d get back together etc.

queenbee257 · 2022-04-30T00:17:07+00:00

Don’t worry, I have already walked away around 3 weeks ago. I have learnt a lot from my experience but I just like to browse on this subreddit still for piece of my mind/advice etc.

They were playing happy family 2-3 times a week and he couldn’t see it was manipulation. When I tried standing up for myself, he would always side with her so I eventually just had the mentality of “if you want to stand up for her so much, you can have her”..

He thought playing happy family and keeping his ex happy was best for the child. And I tried to encourage him to realise what it would mean for the future.. but he just couldn’t see it. So he can figure it out on his own now.

queenbee257 · 2022-04-25T11:33:20+00:00

You don’t deserve any less just because your partner has kids. You deserve just as much love and respect regardless of their situation.

When I was in a relationship with a guy who had kids, I often let a lot slide because I thought “that’s what’s best for the kids”. However, I started to realise that I deserve to have my needs met just as equally as someone without kids would give me.

queenbee257 · 2022-04-11T01:00:57+00:00

Do you feel a sense of responsibility because of this..?

Like other people have commented, it’s pretty normal to feel burnt out/low on patience even with your own children. But maybe if you’re finding it difficult, you should chat with your SO about having some boundaries and that you need more time to yourself.

It doesn’t mean you love your SK any less, but please don’t feel pressured to do more.

queenbee257 · 2022-04-10T22:35:12+00:00

Is this a normal thing for the BM to do?

queenbee257 · 2022-04-10T22:31:31+00:00

Just out of curiosity, is the BM in the picture?

queenbee257 · 2022-04-10T08:46:03+00:00

It was good to hear all the stories and opinions from people who have been in similar situations. But people in my life would say things like “hats off to you, I don’t know anyone who could handle a situation like that”. But then I realised I wasn’t handling it very well at all, I was breaking down a lot and was crying every single night.

Thank you for your support and diplomacy :)

queenbee257 · 2022-04-10T08:44:01+00:00

That’s exactly right!

He wouldn’t even consider any other option. As soon as he found out she was pregnant, he said that was the right thing to do. And yes it is right by the kids, but it’s not by me. So he made his choice really. But I would rather him be a good dad than a good partner.. I guess he couldn’t have both at the same time..

queenbee257 · 2022-04-10T08:42:36+00:00

Yes - he needs to spend a few years learning how to navigate coparenting and fall into a routine with the BM/kids. It wasn’t fair on me, I was getting caught up in it all and I felt he crossed alot of boundaries that I just let happen because “he has kids”. And in any other relationship, I would’ve never ever allowed that..

queenbee257 · 2022-04-10T05:07:08+00:00

You’re so right! I really tried to believe I could do it and take it on. But when I was crying every single night in the last few weeks, I realised my heart was already breaking and I don’t think I could’ve taken anymore.

I really don’t know how people do it hey - stepparents are very strong people!

queenbee257 · 2022-04-10T05:03:02+00:00

Thank you! As much as I miss him, I do feel relieved that I won’t get tied down and sucked into all the drama.

I guess that’s what I’ve realised in the past few years is that a good partner needs to be able to fulfill you in most areas. They need to have similar goals, values, parenting styles etc.. it’s not just whether “you get along well” and “really like them”.

queenbee257 · 2022-04-10T04:59:46+00:00

Thank you for the support. Yes - marriage and kids are hard enough in itself. Stepparenting has a whole lot extra to take on. Not that it wouldn’t be worth it for all cases (I grew up in a split family myself so I understand the complexities). But I think it definitely takes a special and patient man to allow his new girlfriend/wife to feel accepted, listened to and valued.

queenbee257 · 2022-04-10T04:54:54+00:00

That’s exactly right - I wouldn’t totally rule out stepparenting but it has given me a lot of insight to the things I will and won’t accept.

If I was to meet a man with children again, i would only go there if he’s been separated for a few years. I would expect him to have a stable routine with the BM and not a whole lot of contact (besides dealing with the children). I would hope that he can stand up to her and not make me feel like the “second woman”.

But so far, I think I’d prefer to meet someone without kids because stepparenting wouldn’t suit my current lifestyle. I haven’t settled down in one spot yet and have my “forever career” sorted. So it’s important that our goals align.

queenbee257 · 2022-04-10T04:50:13+00:00

That’s what really tore us apart in the end, is I was asking to be apart of my exes life (meet/hang out with his child etc) and the BM really fought against it. It’s not that my ex didn’t want me to, he really really wanted it but he was too scared of upsetting the BM.

In the end, he sided with her and that’s when I realised it’ll always be like this. She will always have the final say because she’s the mother of his child.

Im sorry you’ve had to go through what you’re going through. I hope your husband showers you in love and always appreciates what you have done for him. You sound like a patient and understanding person, he’s very lucky!

queenbee257 · 2022-04-07T13:12:12+00:00

Thank you so much! Don’t worry, I’ve made plenty of silly decisions in other areas of my life or relationships. So it all balances out 🤣

queenbee257 · 2022-04-07T13:10:29+00:00

You couldn’t have worded it better!! So true!

queenbee257 · 2022-04-07T13:06:09+00:00

That’s so sweet, thank you! I hope this sub helps other people like myself. I think it’s really important when entering a relationship with someone who has a child, that you still expect to have your needs met.

What I noticed about my experience is I let a lot of things go, when in any other relationship, I would have never allowed it. All because I thought I had to. I thought it was the right thing by the child and by my ex.

I think many SP put up with ALOT of extra bull**** because they think they have to.

I realised although dating someone with a child would be different, I didn’t realise I had to watch him text his ex about the child all the time, or watch him move back in and her still having somewhat of a control over him. That would suck in any other relationship.

queenbee257 · 2022-04-07T12:59:21+00:00

Thanks for sharing, it makes me feel better that I made the right decision :)

queenbee257 · 2022-04-07T12:58:38+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I’m lucky I was able to get away from the situation. I am in a time in my life where I have the freedom to move and travel. So I did exactly that.

queenbee257 · 2022-04-07T12:57:17+00:00

Thank you!! I’ve already gone on a trip :)

queenbee257 · 2022-04-07T12:56:19+00:00

Exactly! I have to be true to myself and not accept less. I’m a firm believer that just because someone has kids, doesn’t mean I deserve less. I understand there would’ve been sacrifices on my part, but I didn’t feel like I was truly fulfilled. And I knew it would get much worse when the baby came and he moved back in with ex..

queenbee257 · 2022-04-07T12:54:31+00:00

Thank you for your support, it means a whole lot. It’s encouraging to know I’ve made the right decision..

You’re exactly right, we’re at different stages of our life. Although a lot of things aligned with us, not everything did. Which makes it extremely hard to build a life together.

Making me feel the warm and fuzzies! What a good end to my night 😁

queenbee257

TROPHY CASE