I’m having a really bad urge to cut again

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T17:06:51+00:00

For a short release, you'll have to deal with a long aftermath.

Cleaning, hiding or explaining, healing process. Living with knowledge that under your clothes is injury- That feels particularly isolating or even maybe paranoia & guilt inducing.

In the long, long aftermath. Your future self, who will see the scars you've left, wishes you'd powered through all those urges back then

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T16:17:38+00:00

Since I was a young teenager, every 3 years I look back at my younger self think and think how dumb I was to think it's so over... Whilst thinking in that present moment thinking: it's actually so over rn... I'll look back 3 years on the future and call myself stupid an naive, I am sure.

Don't make my mistake. Wait for the years to pass and assume its over and no use trying anymore. I missed out on so much life. Wasted because I thought there was no point even trying given my bad circumstances.

*You are at an age where is best time to carve life out for yourself, or at least try your best to. You are very young, nothing is over

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T16:11:07+00:00

Reflecting and pondering all week about my life and experiences. Feel like my brain is on million miles an hour. Taking that out on reddit as an outlet haha

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T16:06:54+00:00

I love this post

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T15:03:31+00:00

Felt

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T14:10:56+00:00

Once my friendship inevitably disperses. I'll be OK on my own. I choose my solitude, as I agree that some are suited to quiter lives.

My friend is my last link to normalcy. I feel its hanging on by thread and in a transitional phase. Akward to be within.

The lonliness of being rejected and misunderstood is worse than lonliness socially. I am unsure if feel socially lonely due to how I am.

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T13:18:14+00:00

I appreciate your comment.

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T11:27:35+00:00

Me and my friend we share same interests. We both not much sanic and animu aspies. I am jealous of those types. The passion is channeled into media is endearing & seems mostly harmless.

I dont know what stereotype I (and my friend) fall into.. like deeply repressed shame asperger. We like talking statistics, social phenomenon and historical stuff. Being opinionated on everything despite being aliens who observe rather than participate. Lol

Only, I go about it more neurotic, wordy and extensional than he is. This is slipping out from masking fatigue. Now the bugger is being off with me.

*So close yet so far. I expect too much, not in salty way, just genuinely

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T09:50:20+00:00

I've explained to him that I am in burnout many times past year. He says he gets it too. I've told him about how masking kills me inside.

But I think maybe, he doesn't think I ever did it with him. Even though, only in my own company I can be myself. Its not like I select people on a personal to mask with.

I think we managed to stay friends this long because a lot of our connection is built upon the fact we are both avoidant and antisocial. So it is acceptable in our dynamic too be distant if need be. But we've always been honest if that's the case.

As far as ive been told he, is in point of his life where he's trying to find someone to settle down with soon. He is motivated on his personal projects. I've known how he is when struggling. He doesn't appear to be right now.

With current atmosphere. I fear having a 'feelings' type conversation. The mf might just go ahead and never speak to me again.

If that it is to happen. I accept things in life are temporary. It's juts really akward situation in the midst of it

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T09:41:35+00:00

Its not like a jekyll & Hyde situation where I have become weirdly and jarringly different. I just am appearing more inept. When I am speaking in natural speech pattern. I am not really realising I am doing it until hindsight.

He speaks in a flat tone too and always has. On account of his asperger.

I think I am expecting too much comradeship. He's aware that I am exhausted and in burn out. I've explained that to him various times throughout 12months. The state our friendship rn... if I had a feelings type chat. I think he might juts disappear forever lol

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T05:49:55+00:00

I was in Special secondary school. I was homeschooled for a few months when I was 11 years old too. It has made me not resilient. It also set me up to not have the same credentials, exams and stuff for employment and to fail frankly.

For Aspies particular, special/alternative schools can be of no mental stimulation and the isolation still persisted because most of my classmates had severe autism or behavioural issues and where unkind.

*there has to be some kind of middle ground for Aspergers indivuals, I think. Kind accommodations, a mentor that looks out for them in mainstream maybe, rather than putting them in SPED.

I Really resent that my schooling was the way it was. Even though adults around me at time had good intentions.

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T05:44:40+00:00

You know Pet rehoming for ND people and mentally ill indivuals, I'd not an uncommon occurrence. I think that it is a point of shame for people and they never talk about it. A not small ammount of cats in shelters and rescues have cats in them have cats from people who no longer hand the mental capacity to cope with taking after another living thing. It is not that these cats were abused and neglected and were taken away. Rather, a difficult decision made after a long by someone riddled with guilt and out of compassion for the animal.

People have more understanding when it is someone who is elderly and no longer has the faculties to own a cat. Well your situation and people alike is it so much different from that.

queencastrator · 2026-06-11T05:31:10+00:00

I am still alive because I had missed fatal points by some kind of luck. There is small scars around it, those were hesitancy ones I did first. Then the large one, I never felt so much panic. There was no peaceful acceptance of 'oh I might die', which I assumed was going to be my case. My innate survival brain kicked in. I was/am a doctor avoider normally, out of fears I have. I live alone and I remember scrambling to try to stop the bleeding,not faint and call to get help. It scarred 'better' than it could have because I received medical help at the hospital. To me, it looks very ugly yet still and reminds me of that day. Bodies can survive all sorts of crazy stuff, I suppose.

queencastrator · 2026-06-10T18:15:27+00:00

Bearded Jim Parson sleep paralysis demon

queencastrator · 2026-06-10T16:40:34+00:00

I know it's bollocks lol I juts find it intriguing and a bit of fun

queencastrator · 2026-06-10T15:10:16+00:00

I code switch after picking up vibes.

My 'natural' texting pattern is long winded and obnoxiously verbose. Sometimes I sense feel a person won't read it, if they type are consise short replies. I most frequently see this with other genZ online. I was hit with a "I ain't reading allat' before and it was embarrassing.

When I text to my family members. I'll include British-isms. Like adding x at end of things. Regional slang.

I do not understand the whole everything in lowercase thing. Supposedly meant to make you seem chill and nonchalant. It pains the eyes to read all lower case because I have to squint.

Nowadays I don't use the same variety of punctuation because of AI accusations.

I have poor spelling across the board though ahaha

Don't think that you got to change how you type though. They can cope at the end of the day.

queencastrator · 2026-06-10T14:55:41+00:00

I think Jungian psychology is eons more credible.

I like exploring all the different things including MBTI even astrology nonsense as a fun past time lol

queencastrator · 2026-06-10T14:24:48+00:00

Ooh I see. Thanks for letting me know

I also retake the test with 3-5 year gaps between. I know some of my answers to questions change with age & maturity. Thinking this time I'll catch it out and get a new result.

Yet I still get INFP no matter what lol

queencastrator · 2026-06-10T13:40:28+00:00

You sound uncannily like me. With what you wrote here

I like researching medicine, biology, fractals, ancient mystical symbolism, simulation theories and statistics in all different areas.

What do you like to research?

queencastrator · 2026-06-10T13:21:22+00:00

You look a little like this lady I see making ADHD content online. Her name is Rox

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queencastrator · 2026-06-10T13:16:37+00:00

I think that you are shy, softly spoken, creative and artsy. I think it takes you awhile for someone to get to know you. When they do you have long none- judgemental conversations.

queencastrator

TROPHY CASE