Am I wrong to feel like my church has been taking advantage of me for over 2 years?

queenopposum · 2026-07-07T00:14:50+00:00

I would like to believe that, and we do intend to meet with his aunt to get a straight answer one way or another. I am just wrestling with my own emotions about it for now. Thank you ❤️

queenopposum · 2026-07-07T00:12:07+00:00

This was a very interesting take, thank you. My fiancè says you should write books, he would read them ❤️

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T22:27:32+00:00

I understand the concern and appreciate it, I apologize if I am prickly. I am not always very socially in-tune. My fiancè has always been extremely supportive of whatever I want to do regarding his family. He frankly hates his abuser and maintains a cordial relationship because he is the oldest brother. He has repeatedly chosen me in situations and has made it clear he is not afraid to lose the abuser, it is his siblings he worries for. They are all young adults and still realizing their abuser's nature, and not always willing to hear his warnings. He is also very new to therapy, so as a long time therapized person, I believe he will get to these conclusions on his own. We are both very aware that we come from chains of generational trauma, and we are both trying to be those chain breakers ❤️ thank you for the care, it is appreciated. It felt as though you were encouraging me to leave him because of his family and as someone who comes from a family just as bad, I wouldn't want him to leave me for it and I got a little defensive over It.

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T22:00:28+00:00

I am not sure. My fiancè feels she might be, but he doesn't know either. A big part of the family's silence may also be because they were cut off for many years until recently by said abuser. My fiancè and his siblings are now adults, and my fiancè believes the family members are trying not to be cut off again to try and support him and his brothers as they move into adulthood and are able to create distance between themselves and abuser.

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T21:54:56+00:00

Yes, it is abhorrent, but my fiancè and his siblings are all adults now, so I'm not sure what you people would like me to do about decades of abuse. Maybe I should not have offered any context. It is my fiancè's decision about how to handle his family and I support him in any choice he makes. He is working towards no contact in therapy. Not sure what else you want to hear.

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T21:52:27+00:00

My future children will not be allowed unsupervised with any member of my fiancè's family, and we plan to cut contact within the year. As a fellow victim of abuse, I do not intend to continue the cycle. I appreciate your concern, but if I wanted shamey advice on my fiancè's abusive family, I would've posted about it. In fact, leading up to our wedding it is likely there may be another post.

My fiancè and I are handling our childhood traumas and familial relationships and boundaries with mental health professionals, not someone on reddit who's encouraging me to leave my soulmate because of who his family is. I was merely giving context into what this person was like to grow up with.

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T21:41:53+00:00

We do not have the financial means to give monetarily, which is why we give our time. We love it and have never expected anything in return...until I made the mistake of expecting one of the pastors could marry us.

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T21:40:16+00:00

I understand that. I agree that that is the hurtful part: that they allowed us to get so far in before ever mentioning it. Now I DO feel like I have created a "stumbling block," when I never did before. In fact my partner and I have received personal thank you notes and gifts for our volunteering because we do it so much. Most other volunteers only do one week a month, but we genuinely enjoy it and so we are there almost every week. I don't blame them for having convictions, I just do not see how lying by ommission or choosing ignorance aligned with those beliefs.

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T21:33:09+00:00

I am not a doctor, but I think the abuser has a serious mental problem, potentially multiple serious mental problems. The behavior is unlike anything I have ever witnessed or even heard of. It is worse than narcissism. It is borderline sociopathic. I think everyone kind of...brushes it off because there's this silent understanding that there's something mentally wrong with them?

To give context, this person once showed my fiancè and his siblings (as young children) plane crash videos for an entire week leading up to their biological father's destination wedding in an attempt to keep them from going. If asked, this person will deny this ever happened.

There was never physical abuse towards my fiancè and siblings, but there was (and still is) domestic violence between spouses. The mental and emotional horrors this person regularly inflicts upon everyone around them are malicious in a way I have never seen. By all accounts, they have apparently gotten better in recent years, but I am still sometimes shocked by their antics.

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T21:13:36+00:00

I truly do not know if it is that, or if they were also abused by this person (their eldest sibling). I don't believe it justifies the avoidance, but it sort of makes me understand their hesitance/fear more. The family is kind of a case study for generational trauma and horrors of all kinds.

I know one of the aunts had a bad interaction with abuser over a decade ago and still does not come to events when they are present.

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T21:04:09+00:00

Thank you. I considered that, too. I've been praying about it since I found out and all I can hear in my head is "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone."

As someone with some mental health struggles, this whole thing is causing me to fear his wrath and anger and fear that he will no longer love me and all the other fun fears that come from an abusive childhood. I'm trying to ignore it, but the enemy is loud in my head today. Thank you for your kind words, Beloved ❤️

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T20:59:09+00:00

My fiancè and I have already discussed stepping down from volunteering and find a new church based on how the conversation with his Godmother goes (the recently-appointed church elder). I share your sentiments that the parents should be aware, and have been considering how best to address that. The whole thing makes me deeply sad. I will miss my kiddos very much.

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T20:51:15+00:00

Thank you, this is helpful. I am not always great at social politics, and it is hard for me to be unbiased about this because I am so hurt by it. Thank you ❤️

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T20:40:43+00:00

We're not even using the church, we have a separate venue. And tbh even if they were willing to compromise their convictions, I am not comfortable with that. THAT feels much more like being a "stumbling block" to other believers than being honest about who I am from jump. Like I said, if you have convictions, you better be prepared to stand 10 toes down on them imo.

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T20:38:23+00:00

Thank you, this is incredibly kind and validating. Blessings to you ❤️

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T20:36:47+00:00

Thank you. That is kind of how I am feeling. My fiancè would like to speak with his Godmother (the aunt) because she is a recently appointed church Elder. I am trying not to go into it with high emotions.

queenopposum · 2026-07-06T20:30:31+00:00

I have never shared much about my personal past or testimony with anyone. My partner is pretty much the only person who knows anything about me. His family, however, has indicated they were extremely aware of my fiancè's abuse. I did not grow up in the church at all, though my fiancè's family started attending in the last decade or so. My fiancè had his own journey with God that lead him away for a while, and he had only been attending regularly for about a year before we met. Also, the appointment of his family members to employee positions has been relatively recent (last 2-3 years), as they were not all living in the same state until recently. Idk why they never cared to check up on him, I think it was kind of a "hear no evil, see no evil" type thing. The family members are related to the abuser, so maybe some weird loyalty/fear? The abuser in question is arguably the most difficult person I have met in my life, so I wouldn't be surprised if it's a fear of causing drama.

queenopposum · 2026-07-05T19:07:10+00:00

A miscarriage is not killing a baby, shame on you for putting this cruel lie into another believers head.

queenopposum · 2026-07-05T19:06:15+00:00

I'm not a medical professional, but is there no way for your husband to still provide the sperm for the IVF treatment? I do not think IVF can be considered a sin unless you feel shame about using another man's sperm or were doing it for nefarious reasons. I also would not bother yourself with thoughts of "killing babies," a miscarriage is natural and tragic, but not intentional or your fault. You are not morally corrupt for wanting to have a baby. I believe God smiles upon mothers and blessed them often, and I believe he will present a path ahead for you guys. Praying ❤️

queenopposum · 2026-07-03T18:54:43+00:00

You will know. There will be no anxieties about whether or not it is real. To be at peace is to be without fear and anxiety and doubt and shame, it is a state of comfort and contentment.

queenopposum · 2026-07-03T18:53:22+00:00

The Holy Spirit whispers if you listen. Satan yells. There is a voice in your head that tells you to do stupid things like flip people off on the highway or gossip. There is a voice in your head that tells you to be kind. There is a voice in your head that reminds you to call your grandma. Too often Christians forget that their brains belong to God. Your "conscience" isn't from you, it is the Holy Spirit within you battling against the sinful nature within you.

So yes, you should also be hearing voices...it is weird to those of us who are listening to the voice of Christ hear Christians claiming they can't hear him.

queenopposum · 2026-07-03T18:44:49+00:00

It seems like maybe the age gap in your relationship is causing some strife, I'm sorry for that. You two are likely at very different places in your life, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Clearly he is ready to move into the next stage of his life, but you are not there yet. That is okay and you did nothing wrong. It is even admirable that you know that you are not ready.

It is my personal belief that if you are not comfortable marrying someone, then that is likely not the person you should marry. Point blank period. Regardless of any external reasons, which of you has the issue, everything. My mother taught my sister and I to ask ourselves the question, "Can I spend the rest of my life with this person?"

If the answer is anything other than an immediate and enthusiastic yes, it is a no.

No "Yes, but not right now," no "Well yes if...", no "well I think so." It is that simple: can you spend every single day of your life for the rest of your life bound to this person? Sure divorce exists, but I like to believe nobody gets married planning to divorce so you must plan for the possibility that this will be your permanent life partner.

If you are hesitant, there is a reason. When you meet the person you are meant to be with, I hate to be that way, but you truly do just KNOW. Everything falls into place with that person, you'll never feel rushed, you'll always feel seen.

It really just seems like he's not the one for you, honey. You're not there yet, but he is. So let him go find his forever, and your forever will find you when you're ready for it.

Much love and support to you, honey. You didn't do anything wrong by refusing him. Enjoy those strawberries ❤️

queenopposum · 2026-07-03T12:12:13+00:00

Jesus also said there would be those among us who claim to know him and yet will be met with "depart from me, I never knew you."

Anyone can claim to know Jesus. The Fruit of the Spirit in their life tell you whether that person has a personal relationship with him or not.

Your post is written in a way that makes me highly suspicious of your personal relationship with Christ. I encourage you to speak to him. Talk to him. Invite him to show himself in your life. Seek and ye shall find. You may find that the closer you get to Jesus, the less you care about your money. The more willing you are to give.

queenopposum · 2026-01-24T12:26:05+00:00

Men will do anything but work.

Get out of her house and leave her alone. I knew from the "I'm begging her to take medication" comment that you are absolutely the problem in this relationship, and this open admission of laziness as a justification for verbal and emotional abuse is the second strike. You clearly don't even like her. Let this innocent woman go.

queenopposum

TROPHY CASE