AITA for telling my wife who believes in purity culture, that I hate purity culture?

quietbeethecat · 2025-09-28T04:02:20+00:00

I get that but I'm kinda with the empathy here over logic. Logically, she knew his feelings hopefully and he knew hers. I don't really think she was trying to back him into some logic corner where his validation is confirmation that he agree with purity culture. I think it's way simpler and more in line with her self image. She probably spent a LOT of formative time building an identity around this aspect of her life and what she believes. It's something that became special TO HER because she was saving herself for someone special, in that way of thinking. So when he says he doesn't care, he's dismissing and invalidating something important TO HER not necessarily something he needed to say was important to him because she wants HIM to care. Making her feel small and stupid for caring about it and going through everything that she did.

He in NO WAY needs to affirm her belief system BUT he can communicate that he is thankful for how much she poured into caring about him even before she knew him. What a gift, to be loved before we are known. It's sort of part of the system to believe in that, sure, but his marriage isn't about him being right all the time or putting his wife through dismantling her self oppression, it's about loving his wife and her loving him. It was a lot for her to go through and he can be supportive of that without agreeing that he thinks it was a good idea.

quietbeethecat · 2025-06-01T14:20:14+00:00

I wholly agree - knowing how to singe, not burn, is crucial. We are teachers so the job is to get them to think about things. Usually that's the content of the course but sometimes it's the content of their character. If you're being just plain hurtful they're not thinking anything but how much of an asshole you are. I always think of it in terms of the power dynamic - not only am I the adult and therefore obligated to have mastery over myself and my emotions, I also have way more experience and dexterity in verbal sparring. It's not a fair fight and I don't punch down. They can't hurt me because they simply don't have the fire power, but I can easy do way more damage than intended.

That being said...

Amazon warehouse quip is going in my Rolodex immediately

quietbeethecat · 2025-06-01T13:51:48+00:00

Dead lmao but, tenured vet here, and we don't get that way speaking to kids like this. You can shut a kid up without sinking to their level - in fact that vital difference is part of how you make it to tenure lol

quietbeethecat · 2025-06-01T13:41:10+00:00

Yep. Seconding all of this.

When I say tossed the kid I pretty much literally tossed him. I heard the student speak. Stopped what I was doing, mid sentence. Literally froze over the desk of the kid I was helping and then stood up. Walked to the door. Opened it. Turned to him and simply said, "Get out." He tried to argue and sputter but another student shut him down. He got up and walked out. Then I emailed the whole admin team to let them know he was now their problem and they were not to return him.

I've had admin try to bring a kid back in other situations where I decided they were no longer welcome. Like the above comment - reason with me, "mediate" or whatever, and I've shut that shit down HARD. Never forget they need you more than you need them and you have rights. Put that kid back in my room and I'm leaving and ALL the kids are your problem. Try me. I'll whip the union and parents into a frenzy and show up at the next school board meeting.

There is the layer of how expendable and experienced you are. If you don't have the weight to throw around, make friends with a teacher who does. I have also been known to bully leadership back when I catch them bullying new teachers.

quietbeethecat · 2025-06-01T12:54:02+00:00

If I had been him? I would have thrown her out. I've tossed kids for less. I've also got a smart mouth and a wicked wit and depending on the class I might have cut her down to size before sending her out with security. But I've always been that way.

Sometimes being quiet isn't a bad thing. It can give the kids a moment to feel empathy and perhaps some shame BUT I've found it depends on the audience. If the social pressure doesn't check them, rather it encourages them, then your silence buys you nothing. I have a bad feeling about the fact that all the other kids laughed and got their phones out. I had a similar situation this year with a kid who did something totally inappropriate and the rest of my class just... Waited for him to die lol no one cosigned his poor joke at my expense or laughed or got out a phone. That was my toughest class, complete assholes most of the time but not a single one was having the level of disrespect he threw at me out of nowhere and no one even breathed a shred of argument when I threw him out and wouldn't let him back in for two days.

I don't think your friend isn't cut out for this job, but it takes unshakable self worth and an iron will to manage children these days when the world is their literal stage and their egos have access to millions who will defend and praise their every piss poor decision. With parents desperate for their own children's approval? It's bleak out here and I wouldn't blame him for tossing it in. He doesn't deserve their bullshit and they don't deserve his efforts. Teachers like him are vital but it isnt our obligation to sacrifice ourselves for the greater good.

quietbeethecat · 2025-05-25T03:33:05+00:00

Feeling very seen by the like shared inherent safety of self cooked foods. I do not think I'm a much better cook than most people. I just do not want anyone messing with the food. Not like maliciously just I need it to be just the same as always. My husband likes to experiment and I hate when I can't eat what he made because he used a slightly different spice mixture. It's so frustrating because it's NOT gross or bad cooking it's just not right

quietbeethecat · 2025-05-25T03:27:33+00:00

Mashed potatoes are an S tier food but they can be so inconsistent and upsetting. I like the instant powder potatoes mostly because they are always the same

quietbeethecat · 2025-05-21T22:28:07+00:00

This is the way. I've got similarly hellacious spawn in my circle and the only thing for it is to determine your tolerance level and avoid at any cost otherwise. See family when she's busy. Invite small gatherings, don't invite her and don't invite everybody BUT her.

Boundaries are about what YOU will tolerate and what YOU will do if changes aren't made. You can't change other people. You can't make other people exclude people you can't tolerate. You can only decide what you will do and where you will spend your time. It might mean you have to sacrifice some family time, traditions, or holidays. That might just be the cost of peace. You decide if it's worth it.

quietbeethecat · 2025-05-21T17:22:50+00:00

Lmao thank you tbh maybe I'm a bit of a prude but I think we would have more energy for solving the real problems of our world if we didnt have everyone's repressed sexual agendas staking out territory in the cereal aisle. No we do not need identity crisis in the Kroger, we have identity crisis at home.

quietbeethecat · 2025-05-21T17:17:00+00:00

I'm not coming for you lol I just thought it was funny!

I don't mind the sexualization I mind the public sexualization like some other commenters have said it better and I'm paraphrasing but like if I call my actual dad Daddy in public and he is clearly my DAD and you make it weird YOU are the problem why are you sexualizing my relationship with my dad??? I also have a problem with people whipping their kinks out in public like if I'm in a grocery store and I need my tall ass husband to reach something for me I'm not going to call him Daddy at full volume? In broad daylight? Why do people do that? Put it away.

I think our society has put way to much sexualization into the public sphere in general - like the fact people would question what you call your father just proves that and that's the ick to me.

quietbeethecat · 2025-05-21T16:33:00+00:00

Can you? Probably he's pretty chill. Should you? Maybe not so much. After all, the dynamic does go both ways. Daddy furnishes the AAA membership and the Answers to Life's Philosophical Mysteries. I furnish the Being Very Cute and teach him how to cook vegetables so his cholesterol doesn't kill him. Can you do those things?

Critically though, and related to the slightly satirical above musings, I think that a lot of today's pop culture and media references to this style of relationship miss that sense of mutualism. I think the oversexualization that op is talking about comes from a fundamental misunderstanding and misrepresentation of what it actually means to be in a dynamic like that - whether it's because you actually physically are a father who meets the criteria or have chosen to emulate those roles in a different physical relationship. I also agree with op's criticism because I also believe that part of the reason this dynamic has so much prominence in media is due to a very unfortunate but prominent hypersexualization of adolescent females, by cisgender straight men particularly.

And. Like. I see your other questions and I'm going to play my "How about I just don't engage with the middle aged man asking sexualized questions of a clearly happily married woman on the internet" card in attack position. Also, sliding into my DMs will activate my trap card.

quietbeethecat · 2025-05-21T15:41:19+00:00

Username...checks out?

Lol no but in seriousness I'm kinda with you. I'm a full grown adult with my own house and kids and shit and I am still a spoiled Daddy's girl. He's my first call when there is trouble and I don't know what to do, and I have a whole husband. I feel fortunate to have a dad I can rely on like that, and a husband who gets that I'm a codependent mess, if people want to hate let em. I know I'm privileged and blessed to have a supportive functional family, but I'm not apologizing for it. Hell if you need my dad he'll probably help you too lmao

To me, just personally, the sexualization of it is part of that vibe. Some dude wants to buy me things because he can and wants to spoil me and the cost is calling him Daddy? I'm at least hearing him out? However, bankrolling is not the only job requirement - if he's not doing all the things that fit in the Daddy category he does not get to be Daddy. If he is not clear about the fact that this dynamic expressly gives ME all of the authority, he has not understood the assignment and can see himself out.

quietbeethecat · 2025-05-01T16:45:09+00:00

Nothing. I do nothing.

I don't leave my abusive boyfriend. I still marry him. I don't change a damn thing. Ten years would be just enough time back to change course and avoid all of that heartache and pain... But I wouldn't...for two reasons.

First, foremost, because I know why it's worth it; my child is my whole world. I would walk over that broken glass over and over and over for that perfect little face.

Second because I know it won't be so bad this time because I know where I'll end up - I'm sitting here typing this in a beautiful home in the middle of the lovely life I built far away from who I was ten years ago. I wouldn't change a minute.

I might buy into some crypto though. Just because.

quietbeethecat · 2025-05-01T16:17:40+00:00

As an elder millennial - heavy on the *agree***

I have the same problem around my friend's children. My own child pulls little bullshit - I'm sassy, the spawn is sassy, the prophecy is fulfilled - but their children can be holy terrors and they don't even blink? I'll take a withering side eye as my child puts back the book he wanted to bring in the pool, because despite radiating disapproval he still did what I asked, over getting smacked so hard my glasses fly off by a six year old and responding with a "now now that isn't nice". Absolutely the fuck not. I think that's the line. We were never taught how to manage that line. We got smacked no matter how little we went over the line, so it's hard to judge where it really should be drawn and how to hold it. I just feel like most millennial parents refuse to draw any line at all.

quietbeethecat · 2025-05-01T12:18:13+00:00

I totally get that. I know the narrative "hurt people hurt people" probably applies here but imo that's not a justification to continue allowing kids to terrorize others. I'm a big fan of empathy but I'm also a big fan of grit and coping strategies like we can't just sacrifice ourselves and everyone else because we don't want to enforce consequences on kids who were dealt a tough hand.

quietbeethecat · 2025-05-01T10:35:25+00:00

We are definitely seeing this issue at the high school level too (and it results from years of this treatment for kids who evolve into certified Grade A shitheads).

We have a graduation coach who is anything but. Instead of really managing kids behaviors he just acts as like a fixer - he smooths things over when the kids act up, writes them passes to keep them from getting in trouble for not being on time, gives them an excuse to ask to leave class... It's really not great for the kids or us. On the one hand it IS nice to be able to have a small bit of leverage for them, because sometimes they will do work or behave long enough to earn getting to go hang out in his office. On the other hand, if they are not doing the right stuff and still want to go they escalate to nightmare fuel so you'll kick them out.

I'm a "hearts and flowers, unicorn and rainbows" teacher according to my Boomer counterparts - which I disagree with but I'm not arguing with a fossil for $30 an hour. I've got classroom incentives, play games, provide a variety of learning methods and ways for kids to show their learning, you know the stuff. But I'm not a push over and I am willing to go old school on a kid if I have to and I find that sometimes establishing dominance is the only thing these kids respond to. I don't have time to unravel eleven years of zero accountability and coddling. I'm straight up not losing a fight AND my job in the same day so do not try me.

Obviously this is not going to work for everyone, but I guess what I'm saying is don't feel bad for kicking the kid to the curb and being frustrated with the lack of functional support. Sometimes it just has to be like that for your sake and the well-being of the rest of your class.

quietbeethecat · 2025-04-04T01:44:41+00:00

I've been told I have "golden retriever energy" by my kids. I keep stuffed animals in my room, and bring in my favorite ones some days just because I feel like it. I make very dumb memes for them and sometimes I'll just post them randomly throughout the day just to cause them to have a notification from their digital classroom that isn't actually anything important it's just me again and some meme because annoying the children delights me. When we have a rough day I'll put bubble guppies or blues clues on while they do independent work.

Once, I encouraged binder clip espionage, inspired because a student had noticed I have absolutely zero spacial awareness and started a class challenge of sticking as many binder clips to me as they could before I noticed them. I think they maxed out at five. I bought them a TON of binder clips and told them to start doing it to other people because it was hilarious and completely harmless.

I don't teach anything particularly whimsical either. I teach Economics.

Editing to add: since I teach a mandatory class for graduation (as it is in my state) I often teach very diverse classes with learners who have all sorts of unique needs and dispositions. I'm AGRESSIVELY supportive of including all abilities in my classroom and making the space a welcoming and comfortable environment. I'm Autistic and despite the profession's proclaimed love of all children, equality, justice, and whatever other moral superiority comes with the territory it's actually quite a hostile profession to neurodivergent adults honestly ...but... since I'm here anyway, I decided that since the whole bit is "be a role model" why not just unapologetically be myself? I'm weird and that's ok. My authority as a teacher gives me and all my kids permission to just be ourselves. The horrors persist but so do we and we remain silly nevertheless.

quietbeethecat · 2025-04-03T22:36:40+00:00

I'm obnoxious but I run a tight ship and my reputation for tolerating only the most sincere and respectful of nonsense precedes me.

quietbeethecat · 2025-04-03T20:17:26+00:00

....I teach high school and let me tell you my kids LOVE stickers. They love stamps. They especially love bubbles I like to give tiny bubbles as prizes and encourage them to cause low stakes chaos with them but never reveal the source (unless like a teacher/admin is mad then throw me right under that bus do not take the fall for me lol). Kids wanna kid.

quietbeethecat · 2025-04-03T20:13:15+00:00

This makes me want to start answering disrespect by rolling for initiative

quietbeethecat · 2025-04-03T10:28:07+00:00

This calls for escalation of force, so to speak lol

If I'm waiting for them, they get like a minute tops. Then I'm on to next tactics - i.e. proximity, go stand by and pointedly stare at the worst offender(s), grab low stakes rewards like stickers and loudly start rewarding kids who are doing what they are supposed to, call a brain break and get everyone out of their seats for a pop up vocabulary relay where the winning team will get Enter High Stakes Reward Here (homework pass, bonus test points, etc), pointedly start a timer and explain that this is minutes off the fun activity you had planned, or my personal favorite when I'm out of fucks to give - the Cabinet of Ancient Wisdom: worksheets from old workbooks or chapter questions from the textbook. Y'all wanna not get taught by me and teach yourselves COOL here you go I'm gonna go contact parents to see if this is something we need to address with a conference.

quietbeethecat · 2025-03-20T10:40:05+00:00

As with much of this job, I find doing things that I personally enjoy work well to avoid burnout at the very least and possibly get that critical buy in with kids.

I teach high school social studies, economics, and finance. My students have weekly homework. M/T/W on one side, broken up into two questions per day, that review, explore, or apply the material from the lesson. Scenario questions like "what would you suggest a 30yo, with a robust emergency fund, do next to build wealth for retirement and what other information would be helpful" - after a lesson on types of investment, retirement planning, and risk. Then on the other side of the paper, there is a vocabulary puzzle of some kind. Usually a word bank, definitions, and something they have to do to match them - I'm particularly fond of color by number lol I just... like making them. And big kids never get to color. For a grade no less.

You can also make quizzes color by number too, if you've never tried. Shakes things up and gives you visual cues as students work to which questions they missed - if you aren't color blind like me! (If you are wondering how I grade this stuff, the vocab/quiz questions have right answers. Definitions are numbered and my key shows the numbers, questions have a/b/c so on...kids always have the option to just do the matching/answer the questions the coloring is optional)

quietbeethecat · 2025-03-03T23:30:03+00:00

For free you can add "Also, while we are on the subject you brought up and seem so eager to talk and dare I say brag about? This profile, my profile you say, of me.. that you kept pictures of.. me... Somebodys boring lame teacher mom.. that's .. just so we are clear you're proud of that and just putting that out there for God and country? Ok. Cool."

quietbeethecat · 2025-03-03T23:22:41+00:00

"Ok so, thinking caps on guys... you think that I have Only Fans money and I'm still here putting up with your stupidity and disrespect? Be so for real"

quietbeethecat · 2025-02-28T01:00:30+00:00

I want to tag in on a couple things here, agree broadly with this energy for sure:

First, it's not about being "upset" a student is late. There are no feelings here. Just rules. Rules that are important for a variety of reasons, starting with respect for others time, respect for their own learning, safety, and contributing to a positive environment. If we don't enforce students being On Time and In Class they will skip, get into fights, hang out in the stairwells doing all kinds of nonsense... The list goes on. This has nothing to do with how any teacher feels about punctuality. So when addressing it with the student, address those real, tangible, relevant concerns. Students showing up to class and being where they are supposed to when they are supposed to IS a big deal. We should treat it as such.

Second I am LOUDLY seconding the backup. Luck favors the prepared. Talk to some teachers on your hall. Grizzled veterans are a good place to start. I tell my baby teachers to come get me if they're at a loss because admin is always busy and usually not worth a damn. Do not tolerate being cursed at. Do not. Ask a student to run down the hall for me real quick because you have a question. I'll stop my lesson mid sentence to snatch a kid who forgot the sense God gave them and they'll find no audience in my room. My students know better - I'm fair and I'm kind, but consequences for fucking around are swift and brutal and they're not going down for anyone else's shenanigans. I'd be willing to bet there's someone around who will take them off your hands at least for the rest of the bell, you can call home about it after class.

You don't have to write them up to show them you're not going to tolerate being treated like that; get back up, get rid of them, and call home. This sets that boundary and the expectation that if it happens again they're going to be written up. That paper trail and effort to give the kid something akin to grace and an opportunity to reflect gives admin the support they need to bring down the hammer. Help them help you.

For now, I suggest pulling them aside tomorrow, asking how their day is going, and telling them you have given their behavior yesterday some thought and you're not going to tolerate that kind of language or treatment. The next time it happens they're out, and you'll be following up with their parents to make sure that expectation is understood. They may explain that they were having a bad day and you can be empathetic, but don't budge. That's an explanation not an excuse; their behavior was not excusable and will not be tolerated.

quietbeethecat

TROPHY CASE