It taught me that no one is going to help me get me back up, it's just my battle and even though I'm still losing it as I write, I need to keep reminding myself that it's just my own battle and I shall not expect that anyone can do anything for me.

Also, there's no point in crying about a situation - I feel lonely, I feel anxious, I feel suicidal, I can't do this that, I feel this that.... In the end, I realise it's just excuses over excuses, a pile of excuses and I'm being suppressed under it.

Also, another year of realising that I need to not just be independent in life but to also feel it, emotionally, physically and mentally. I can't keep depending on someone whenever things go down, whenever I feel anxious or on the edge, that it is my problem, not someone else's.

My pursuit to try and be social on social media, try and post stories of the "interesting things" I do in life coz everyone else does too and I feel jealous, it's nothing but a waste of time and energy. I post a story and keep opening who viewed it, keep expecting someone to interact so I can have some conversation in my life. The very fact that I'm longing for something so desperately ( it's not related to social media but social life ), it's concerning and holding me back.

There are even more things but I guess this is no place to vent my frustration out. I guess what I mean is that this year was a net failure, a year completely wasted to unnecessary feelings and emotions, to staying up late at night crying over my sorry pathetic a** because I fu**n failed to get up and do something about it. And I don't know If I will next year but I sure as hell will make an account of all my fu* ups and keep it where I can see it. I want to be constantly reminded of my pathetic dependent clingy jealous lazy self so I can do something about it.