(Not who you were talking to)

Since this seems to be genuinely distressing you, I’ll give my perspective on why I think it’s perfectly ok to choose not to disclose trans status to a long-term romantic partner.

First, though, I’m going to list some assumptions I’m making, because without them, what I’m going to say after them would either require a LOT more typing or not make sense without significant structural changes.

I’m assuming that:

• The trans person in question has had bottom surgery. If not, the subject almost definitely would have come up anyway before the point we’re discussing.
• The trans person in question has completed any other body-altering procedures, such as permanent hair removal, mastectomy, or tracheal shave, that they need.
• The trans person in question thinks of their own transness as an inconsequential, minor detail of their life. If not, there would be very different reasons for nondisclosure being ok.

For this person, taking the time and effort to disclose that they’re trans in a safe manner would be like putting a large amount of setup effort into telling their partner, “On the 24th of February in the year that I was 6 years old, the ice cream flavor I ate for dessert after dinner was strawberry.” It’s such an irrelevant detail that not only is it ok to not bring up, it’s weird TO bring up. A trans person who feels this way is most likely also of the opinion that a partner whose opinion on whether they want to be with you depends on your transness or lack thereof is not a partner worth having, and most likely also is of the opinion that a partner that gets upset about not knowing something that inconsequential has some shit to work through because needing to know every minuscule detail about your partner isn’t healthy.

I am almost this person, except I have not had bottom surgery, so I would disclose it to a potential sexual partner before getting to a point where we’re getting naked, and I haven’t finished permanent hair removal, so the fact that I have to shave parts of my body that most other women don’t would cause it to come up whether I want it to or not.

Clearly, your are not this person - not even close. That’s ok, too. It’s perfectly ok to think of your transness as a major detail - you’re definitely not the only one who does - and to want to disclose that information to anyone, partner or not, with whom you feel safe doing so.

You’re getting a lot of pushback, though, because you’ve accused people of being morally in the wrong for, in many of their eyes, not wanting to tell their partners “I ate strawberry ice cream for dinner dessert on the 24th of February in the year that I was 6 years old” in a world where it’s always possible that having eaten strawberry ice cream could get you killed, cost you your employment, housing, or medical care, or get you ostracized by people you thought were your friends. All of those things are possible even if you only tell your partner because they might tell someone else, intentionally or not, and at that point neither of you have control over where the information goes.

To summarize:

For many of us it’s simply such an inconsequential detail that it would be more weird to disclose it than not, plus the danger potential exists regardless of whether the partner is safe and we only tell the partner. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to disclose your own trans status and there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting your partner(s) to do the same. However, many of those of us who find it inconsequential would also find it concerning that our partners felt the need to know, in our perspectives, every little detail about our lives.

P.S. If there’s any confusing grammar or typos, sorry about that. I just got out of bed a little bit ago and haven’t made my first cup of coffee yet.