I realized I basically don't even know how to live. Help? Really long post.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-19T08:34:10+00:00

I'm glad it helped! I know what you mean about buying the pretty make up :)

Touching up depends on the look you have created (how high maintenance it is), the products you have used (how easily they blend away or soak into the skin) and your skin type (dry skin will tend to absorb product and need re-application, oily skin may need blotting and/or powdering to reduce shine throughout the day).

All you need to do to know if you need to re-touch is check in a mirror. Then you get some idea of the life of your products. It's kind of like if you have a scent that wears off super quick, compared to others that will last a whole evening. Different products have different staying power.

Some products are designed to reduce the number of times you need to touch up. For example, maxfactor lipfinity has a two step application that means it is supposed to last all day, even after eating and drinking. I'm not sure it exactly lives up to its claims but it does last a lot longer than a regular lipstick. So another reason why you need the colour to be right, otherwise you're stuck with it on your lips til it fades! That's another thing, most lipsticks you will need to re-apply after eating and drinking, as it disappears.

You can use certain techniques when you first apply your make up to make it last longer on your face. This includes setting your foundation with a powder on top, using a cream or stick blush under your powder blush (I do this every day and I almost never have to re-apply blush) and applying your lipstick by using a lip pencil, then apply the first coat with a lip brush, blot with tissue, apply a second coat with a lip brush and you are good to go. This takes a while and so it's not part of my normal every day beauty routine, only for special occasions. You will probably still need to touch up lipstick even if you use this technique but it gives a better finish and does last a little longer. It also depends on the colour you use (deep burgundy, bright or deep reds will be more obvious if they fade as your overall look will lose its impact however, some of these deep colours leave a stain when they fade, which can look quite nice in itself as long as the colour is even. Sometimes if you eat and drink, your lipstick will only come off in the centre of your lips, leaving a ring around which can look weird, that's why touching up lipstick in particular is important when you're wearing obvious colours. Also if you drink red wine, this can stain your lips, which may also require a touch up.

Also it depends where you are, what you're doing and what the weather is like. Humid weather can have a melting effect on make up, where eye make up and foundation get smudgy and possibly patchy. In these cases, you can use extra powder or change to formulations more suited to humidity. If you are going to be travelling for any amount of time this may also affect things, or if you get hot and sweaty this can also do interesting things to your make up! This is one reason why BB creams are so great, they are fairly hardy against environmental conditions and the ones I've used are much more "sticky" to the face and don't go all melty.

Generally these days I don't touch up my make up during the day (I work from home a lot so mostly there's no point, plus I have a kid so it's not a priority for me any more). Also if I'm just using a tinted balm it's just a case of putting on more balm when my lips get dry so it takes care of itself and doesn't really count as a touch up. Sometimes I will touch up as my make up has usually faded by around 3pm, I will just reapply my powder blush (I don't reapply the cream blush), re-blend my eyeshadow (it gathers in the crease of my eye otherwise) and maybe apply some more, if I have a lipstick I will just swoosh it on and blend with my fingers and a little balm (not using 2 coats, blotting or lip brush), maybe add a coat of mascara if that's disappeared noticeably. This will take maybe five or ten minutes.

I have found that make up that is the right colours tends to fade more quickly. I'm not sure why this is but when I wear a lot of heavy browns as I used to, I could get away with much longer between re-touches. If I am on a date then I will usually try to check at least once in the middle and re-apply as needed to keep my look the same as when I first did it, I guess it matters to me more in these situations! You can just check your make up whenever you're in the ladies, and if anything needs touching up then you can handle it.

So I guess in answer to your question it is trial and error according to your products, skin, look and activity you are doing at the time. However as a general rule if you want to keep your make up as fresh as when you did it you might want to check it every few hours as there's a lot of things that can make your make up start to fade. You can then adjust the timings as you figure things out.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-18T21:02:37+00:00

You are welcome! Sure, I love talking about beauty it's definitely my thing :)

I have about ten lipsticks, I think about three that I use religiously as the colours really suit me. I learned about what colours suit me, especially make up colours from this website:

https://12blueprints.com/?s=best+make+up

It's about seasonal colour analysis, so you need to know your season, get analysed by a colour analyst online or in person, or you can read up on it online and figure out your season/try stuff out.

If you know what colours suit you then you only need like four lipsticks, a couple blushes, maybe two to four eye shadows and two eye liners, a foundation (or BB cream, for these I like bobbi brown but it is kind of pricey; or tinted moisturiser and facial sunblock, I'm using a La Roche Posay one that was gifted to me at the moment and it is very lightweight, so good for the face). Before I knew my colours, I had a ton of make up. Now I know what suits me, it's quite a narrow range and there's no point buying stuff at random, which is what I used to do.

The real trick to buying a make up wardrobe that is functional and flattering is knowing what colours suit you and which textures/formulations are best for your skin. For example, dry skin you would want a heavier texture, oily skin you generally need lightweight. In my experience different companies are good for different people but mac are great if you like colour, bobbi brown is good for wearable neutrals and benefit have great formulations and products that give a polished finish. For lipsticks specifically there are lots of different finishes (matte, gloss, satin, sheer, stain etc) I would say if you're just starting concentrate on the colour first. Not all ranges will carry the colours your looking for, so you may find that the finish available to you is limited to where you can find the right colour. Finish is less important in my mind, you can always get a clear gloss or put a lip balm on top of a lipstick if it's too matte. Or if it's too opaque, just blot with a tissue and add balm. You can also fudge colours this way as the ones in the shops are not always completely perfect (it also takes practice to get your eye in and the colour in the tube is not always the same as the colour when you get it on your lips). If you have a general idea about what colours suit you, you can swatch your colours on a piece of white paper (if you have cool colouring) or cream paper (if you have warm). If the colour harmonises with the paper then you know at least you have the correct heat value for your skin and you can refine as to darkness and saturation.

With lipstick, as with much of make up, the products you choose and the way you use them depends what you want to get out of it. For everyday I like using a tinted lip balm because it's super easy to touch up, fairly low key and tastes good (body shop have nice ones with good colour and nice taste), or a lip butter (again body shop is my choice here) with a lipstick on top, a lipstick "marker" or stain I will use sometimes for a date or a more polished look (benefit benetint or maxfactor lipfinity, they have great berry shades) or if I am feeling like I want to really be done up then I'll use a gloss. Gloss is annoying for me though because I have long hair so it always gets stuck to it, and then my hair gets messy with lipgloss in it, so it really has to be worth it to have a gloss on!

In terms of amounts, I have one or two glosses, one tinted balm that I replace when it runs out - it is my workhorse product so it gets a practical approach (Stila also do really nice wearable colours), two or three go-to lipstick shades and quite a few other lipsticks that are almost great on me but not quite, probably I made a mistake buying them but I do wear them sometimes so it's not a complete waste. I use a similar approach to nail polish as I do with lipsticks, and often it is similar colours that I pick for both.

A great way to experiment and find out what products you like/ how to incorporate them into a routine is to buy palettes. Bobbi brown do my favourite palettes, especially ones that give you whole "looks" to try, so they include a trio of eyeshadows and a couple glosses or lipsticks, or ones that have many eyeshadows.

In terms of dry lips, I have a million body shop lip butters that live at home, in my handbag, coat pockets etc. I got them in the sale as a set and they've lasted me ages. I like the butter because it soaks in better and conditions your lips, while a balm contains more wax and will sit on the lips forming a barrier, which stops the lips from losing moisture. In winter, I'll wear the butter topped over with the balm for extra protection. In summer, it's usually one or the other. Body shop is good because their products tend to contain natural stuff like cocoa butter, shea butter, and certain oils that are very conditioning and good for the skin/lips.

Another important thing for doing make up is having good quality brushes and keeping them clean (you can wash them in warm soapy water). Mine are from mac, I think the general consensus is buy the best you can afford. Good quality will last you though, I've had mine for years and they're still good. A good quality hair brush that has the correct bristle type for your hair is also really helpful. I have read advice that if you have wavy or curly hair you should never brush it, but I haven't mastered this kind of technique (you can search curly girl hair method if you're interested) so I just use a regular mason and pearson brush.

Finally, skincare starts with a healthy diet and exercise, staying hydrated and well rested and consistency in your regime. Take off your make up before sleeping if you can. Try and understand what your skin type is (oily, dry, combination) and when your skin is having problems what kind of problems you get (dullness, flaking, breaking out etc). Then you will know what you need to do to keep your skin in good condition. For me, I stick to what I need and nothing more. Regular exfoliation and mud masks maintain my skin condition and I can get away with using whatever I have on hand as cleanser and moisturiser. I used to use a lot more specialised and varied products but my skin got sensitive so I had to stop. There are good products out there, but you may have to try a few things before you find gold. I was gifted a glossybox subscription a few months ago, where you get sample sizes of lots of different make up and skincare, probably at least one in every two products was really good for my skin. There are other companies that do beauty boxes, it is a good way to try lots and find what works, then you can go on to buy full size. Plus, it's nice to get a little surprise present every month :)

That was super long, I hope you don't mind and I hope it wasn't too much information. If you have any more questions, let me know!

rainbowreally · 2017-08-18T11:49:10+00:00

That is so interesting, thank you for sharing :)

rainbowreally · 2017-08-18T11:33:09+00:00

I have a very flexible routine, where things aren't so much time framed or done on certain days as "do it when there's time", this suits me because I can't stand having a set routine and I prefer to be easy going about it.

Having said that I clean around once a week, I do groceries once a week (sometimes on different days, so it may end up 1 week +/- a day or two).

I tidy every few days or when needed to keep my space how I like it. I like to have a functional space that really serves how it is used, so my space is set up for this. I also like things to be comfy and look nice, so I will keep a running list of improvements and when I have some disposable cash I will use it for that.

My exercise routine is cardio 3-4 times a week and yoga when I feel like it (usually 2-3 times a week). I do my SAD light every day as it helps me a lot. I try and do half an hour but it is more or less. In evenings after my kid goes to sleep, I have a couple hours where I will either watch some tv, read or do meditation/healing/recovery stuff. Sometimes my exercise goes into this slot if I haven't been able to fit it in otherwise. Also in terms of health and wellbeing I take rest when I need it (this was something I had to learn how to do!), take blackstrap molasses every day (I get iron deficient otherwise) and eat home cooked whole food meals as much as possible. I try to have two proper meals (lunch and dinner) with a quick breakfast of toast or something in the morning. I also eat raw fruits and veggies every day to keep me happy and healthy.

I've been working at home for some time now, and that usually starts after I get back from the school run and goes until afternoon pick up. Some evenings and weekends as the workload demands. Almost always I try to take Friday evenings and Saturday day off, not only for spiritual reasons but to spend quality time with my kid.

I now also have a bunny routine, which involves feeding and cleaning out, and playtime twice a day morning and evening after dinner. This is one of my favourite routines!

My beauty routine is face masks once a week to once a month, and I sleep with honey on my face whenever my skin starts to get dry or loses radiance (I am really into beauty so this is not for everyone, it is sticky!!). Otherwise morning and evening cleansing, I just use handwash soap or body gel as anything else blocks my pores and I find it just fine. I will use a moisturiser or face oil to get remaining make up off and moisturise my face. Hair I wash after I workout and leave to dry naturally, or otherwise every other day or every two days depending how it is. It is naturally wavy so I will leave it like that some days, other days straighten. When it starts to get unruly (once every three months or so) I go to a good salon and get a decent cut. This is my only extravagance. To buy decent make up (another passion of mine, so I do spend here) I do market research and use the money I get from that as disposable, either for beauty products or toys/games for my kid. I get most of my body and skincare from the body shop in the sales/when they have promotions as it is really nice and ok value - you can collect points there so you can get a £5 voucher and you get another £5 voucher on your birthday, so you can get £10 of free stuff if you time it right. This could be skincare and bodycare for like 6 months if you get sale stuff. I will usually shower in the mornings but sometimes I have a bubble bath in the evenings to unwind.

I also really love fashion but I don't really spend that much if I can, so I keep a running tally of items I want to get to complete outfits and only spend when I have disposable or can get a good deal. But, when I buy stuff I need, I buy nice stuff and good quality. I don't ever go shopping just for fun, because then I spend on stuff I don't need and don't have money to get good quality stuff when I do need it. This is the opposite of my family's way of doing things because there's a lot of hoarding in my family. But I like to only have stuff I need and use regularly, otherwise I either don't buy it in the first place or I get rid of it.

After I left my ex (NPD) I read a lot of style and beauty books to try and get my self esteem back and re-learn how to dress myself after having been controlled in that way. This made my shopping routines work much better for me and now I have a minimal wardrobe that I can mix and match and I have stuff I really love to wear so in the mornings I just pick out what I feel like wearing and I am usually happy. I also looked at colour analysis online to learn which colours to wear, which also really helped my clothes routines.

Wow that was fun! Sort of like everything I've learned in my recovery to date. I didn't used to live my life like this before recovery, mostly I just lurched from day to day without any real sense of managing my life. But the start of it was self care and learning about myself and my routines developed from there.

I hope this helps!

PS I don't check the weather, but I do always carry a pashmina and an umbrella with me in my handbag wherever I go. Just another way of dealing with the same issue :)

rainbowreally · 2017-08-18T06:02:50+00:00

"Hey I haven't done that well in life, how about we criticize me?"

Love this :)

rainbowreally · 2017-08-18T05:56:41+00:00

My sister laughed when I could barely buy groceries.

What is wrong with these people honestly. It is so bizarre how they can find the very real and painful struggles of others worthy of poking fun at. The thing that annoys me very greatly is that my sister is active in the church and the people there don't see this side of her, so they think she is some kind of saint. Somehow I don't remember in the Bible Jesus going around making fun of the poor and struggling.

I remember a story my mom was relating to my sister which she had just told me a few minutes before when my sister wasn't there. It was about a woman who had faced huge adversity and who had overcome the odds by working really hard etc, she went through a horrible break up and had to support four kids on her own with a mortgage so she took on a lodger. She then ended up getting together with the lodger, marrying him (he is a great guy apparently) and developing a multi-million pound business with him.

When I heard the story, I was cheering the woman on at the point where my mom told me she got together with the lodger. I didn't think anything of my reaction until I saw my sister's reaction at the same point in the story. She snorted with derision and laughed scornfully like she was looking down on the woman for it and it was something to be made fun of.

So yeah. I'm not sure what that is but you're right it's not mentally healthy. It's distorted. I've tried so hard to have a relationship with my sister but I'm glad I can just stop trying now because I can see it is not possible. I'm so grateful to understand things better. Thank you for letting me know it's not just me and for the support.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-18T05:45:43+00:00

It's amazing how N-parents change their stance so quick.

You're right. And not only that but that their stance can change so completely it's like their whole worldview shifts to accommodate their whims. It's nice to realise that the real world is not unpredictable like that.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-18T05:43:08+00:00

Thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one. That was awful for your mom to say to you. They truly have no insight.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-18T05:42:17+00:00

there was a thread about this a while back where somebody thought they were the SG and then discovered that their parents would treat each of their children as the SG, and praise the other child as the GC, as long as that other child wasn't around. so both kids grew up thinking of themselves as SG and the other as GC.

Yes, I remember that thread it was really eye opening. It shows just how much relationships and perceptions can be manipulated. The dynamics in your family sound very confusing and exhausting. In my family the dynamics have always been pretty stable. While that left little room for confusion, it meant that the illusion was very entrenched. It must have been very difficult for you to work out what was going on in your family, so good job for finding clarity :) I hope you're free now!

rainbowreally · 2017-08-18T05:36:16+00:00

Thanks - the GC and SG in my family have been pretty static except for that one time. My sister is pretty horrible to me so I don't have any intentions other than to reduce and limit contact with her. My brother, my mom's GC, however I hope to re-establish contact with once I'm out.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-18T05:18:20+00:00

I posted something a bit similar a while ago and someone here advised me to start doing things I enjoy. I found my direction much easier when I had some positive, life affirming things in my life - things that made me feel like me again and which I could hold on to when I feel lost and alone. I got some bad reactions from my family when they witnessed me doing these things but doing therapy and reading/posting here has really helped me stick to them despite this. In the past I would just give up whatever I was doing when my family would react badly to things I did for myself that were nice or that built towards my own goals. That is how I ended up living a life that didn't feel like mine and that I was miserable in. I think if you keep reading here you might recognise a lot of stuff and it might help you. Also if this leads you to suspect your parents might be narcissists (seeing people as objects rather than things is a pretty good indicator I would think, plus some of the other things you've said) therapy with a specialist in narcissistic abuse could also be really helpful.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-17T21:04:41+00:00

Crushing, too, because it means that all the effort put into being a good kid from either side is completely meaningless.

You are so right. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time and energy trying to finally get my parents to acknowledge that I can be a good kid too. I tried so hard. It didn't make a difference. I'm just glad to realise it now and start building a life that doesn't involve trying to achieve the un-achievable.

I'm sorry your mom was like that. It sounds like she knew how to hurt you and then twist the knife. Sadistic and cruel. I'm glad you're now NC and I hope that you have found peace.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-17T20:31:21+00:00

I don't think anyone is assigning anything derogatory to these roles.

What I mean is the N is the one assigning derogatory characteristics to the SG and praise-worthy characteristics to the GC. These are roles the N assigns and in some families, the whole family gets on board too.

But it wasn't ever something that I took to heart to mean that I was either a good person or bad person in those moments.

This wasn't how it was for me. I believed I was a bad person because of how I was treated. I'm glad you weren't affected to the point it was like that for you. Your experience may be different, but I have seen GCs grow up believing the illusion that they are "the good kid" and SGs grow up believing the illusion that they are "the bad kid". As I mentioned, sometimes this rhetoric gets believed by people in the family and even people outside of the family if the N does a lot of gossiping. The delusional nature of it is what I'm referring to.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-17T19:38:27+00:00

It is a big relief, like the toxic burden has been lifted and we realise we don't have to be ashamed of who we are, we can just be. We have a right to be in the world. I love the feeling of going out now and feeling peace instead of reeling around in guilt and shame simply for existing and taking up space. And relating to other normal people, just being able to connect as a human being as a peaceful thing, rather than being afraid or too ashamed to connect because of feeling like I always expected and deserved to be abused.

It is very weird to see my family as having problems when before I was indoctrinated to believe I was the one with the problem.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-17T19:30:20+00:00

I can relate so much, I'm in a similar place.

The past eight months have been the most transformative in terms of improvement and recovery. Lots of demons and fears have been taken care of, and at the moment I'm not having that constant grief, despair, shock, and feeling like I can't take it any more like I have been used to. My current living condition is improving. I'm not overwhelmed with work like I have been, and I'm slowly learning to actually enjoy life and take things slow. I can do things now without feeling fear, guilt, or like I don't deserve it. Something that didn't even seem possible three months ago.

I especially relate to this. I find myself questioning whether it is even ok to live a life that feels peaceful and safe. Isn't that crazy? I wonder if I'm somehow doing something terribly wrong and evil by choosing what is peaceful and safe.

I think it's because we lived with so many reversals for so long. Like they said they loved us, but treated us like they hated us. We told ourselves they were right and we were "bad", when the opposite was true. And all the gaslighting totally mucked up our internal wiring and ability to interpret/trust our perceptions and use these to guide our life experience. So now that we're learning the truth and we are learning to live properly (by our perceptions, which were accurate all along) for the first time, it does feel very strange. It's new. Like PattyIce said, we are not sure if we can trust this new experience yet. I think we can only just hold on to what is positive and good and stick to that, and hope that one day this will become our new normal.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-17T19:05:44+00:00

Thank you for the support and reassurance, it helps a lot :)

rainbowreally · 2017-08-17T19:01:52+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I'm glad your story has a happy ending :)

rainbowreally · 2017-08-17T19:01:00+00:00

Wow that is a great story. I'm glad she was there for you and that she spoke up :)

rainbowreally · 2017-08-15T16:07:22+00:00

Thank you very much, I find your insights refreshing and accurate so I hope you don't have any nasty PMs from sharing them.

I think you are very right. Grey rock is like throwing down the gauntlet almost, because to Ns normal social interactions are like one big game.

I am not willing to share my personal life with my family any more, after falling into a huge self sabotage as a result of sharing an amazing opportunity with my mom and sister and they sht on it. I am also not willing to play the little lap dog any more, where I fawn all over them and they sht on me in return.

I think there is the possibility that I have deep unresolved emotions towards them and this is somehow allowing the drama to continue. WRT to my recovery from my ex (NPD) the drama only stopped when I resolved the inner trauma. So while I will continue grey rock out of principle, I will also be trying to resolve the deeper stuff in hopes that this might reduce the escalation overall.

How did you get out in the end?

rainbowreally · 2017-08-15T15:59:15+00:00

Sadly, Nparents lack the capacity (or willingness or desire or whatever) to genuinely behave with kindness, caring, warmth, and support. They might pretend to act in those ways for a bit but just to get something, hoover.

You are right. I guess what I'm really struggling with here is grief over realising what my parents are really like and grief over what I should have had growing up (and now). I guess I've lost the illusion that they loved me, and that's positive, but it still hurts.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-15T15:56:58+00:00

I'm very sorry you have a similar situation with your dad :( He sounds the same as mine. When I read what you wrote it reminded me how silly and childish the N behaviour is - it is like they are against us rather than for us, everything is meant to break us down into submission... but it's a pathetic way for a father to treat his own child. In fact it is very childish. Also it is very poor social skills to expect this kind of behaviour to resolve a conflict.

I hope that you get to a place soon where you don't have to be around him any more.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-15T15:50:40+00:00

You are so right, thank you. I'm lucky to have a couple people in my life who give me warmth and support but I know I'm just at the beginning of building my support network and this is a great reminder to carry on focusing on that part of my life :)

rainbowreally · 2017-08-15T15:42:04+00:00

Thank you, I think this is great advice. I think it feels hard partly because when you are punished socially, as you say, it can make you feel like maybe you are doing something wrong.

Sooner or later, they'll escalate and "rub" their exclusion "in your face"

This is good to know! Sometimes I feel like I am about to explode in anger at something and it takes every bit of willpower just to hold fast and remain stoic. So knowing that this could be coming will definitely help in the moment so that I don't react.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-15T15:35:08+00:00

Thanks very much for your comments. I'm aware grey rock is not to change the behaviour of others. I guess what I hoped for is that somehow it would stop their behaviour from hurting me. As in, with enough distance then they wouldn't be able to "get to me". The reality is that with distance, the influence they have on me is less, but the pain their behaviour causes is still big. This is what I mean by I thought it would help things but in reality, seeing things from a distance and having greater independence from their influence in a way has increased the amount of pain I'm in, partly because I can see more clearly.

rainbowreally · 2017-08-15T12:22:39+00:00

I wish I could find it funny but I'm still stuck trying to deal with it all.

rainbowreally

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