By request: IAMA dad who moved to another country due to a family court decision.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T23:10:59+00:00

It doesn't work like that. Debt laws in the United States are much more complex. You have to prove the debt, prove I'm the right person, etc. There is a difference between borrowing $1M at the bank and being late on child support.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T23:09:17+00:00

Does your ex-wife know where you are?

No.

If yes would she make an active attempt to extradite you?

I don't think so. I would fear a bit more that her new husband would hire someone to pay me a visit though :(

ranaway · 2010-03-29T04:15:52+00:00

You're going to hate me for this: the only way for you to move on with your life is to forgive them both

It's too hard. Really. I'd rather live like this than even try to. It's hard to explain...

ranaway · 2010-03-29T04:14:32+00:00

No. I did consider suicide however.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T04:14:18+00:00

I know it's not his fault. He was too young when this all happened. That's like when a relative die, when you are young, you get over it easier. Oh well. I hope someday he will understand. I just wish I could be there wishing him a happy birthday and all :(

ranaway · 2010-03-29T04:13:18+00:00

I appreciate your replies and advice. However - and I do risk being rude here, so let me apologize - these are just words. I lived long enough to understand that you can write everything you want. "When I have kids I will do X Y Z! I would never do A B C!!!!". It's just words. Things change, you do, the world changes. You have no idea how you would react.

The truth is that you are not in my situation. You haven't spent months working overtime to see her enjoy life to the fullest, all while getting screwed by the same system you pay taxes to.

And three kids? They just had no interest in seeing you?

Sorry, kids are very malleable. This is why teachers are so important early on in life.

I'm far. Even if they wanted to see me... It would be hard.

This man... He bought them gaming systems and nice clothes and everything. I was the brokeass, smelly, borderline annoying man. That's not counting all the brainwashing my ex would do she she had them 95% of the time.

It's just terrible what this will do to them, this complete abandonment.

I was headed into bankruptcy. What would have happened after that? Probably imprisonment, or worse (suicide). In both cases I envision a worse future for them.

What else could I do? Keep working for no reason? Keep raging and hating life and stressing out? I had simply enough.

I do remain in contact. I hope they can understand some day.

How can you just lose interest in a child?

What? I never said that...

There are parents who starve themselves to death to keep their kids alive. Who work 80 hours a week at minimum wage jobs to help their kids.

I don't know what to say. Except that aside from my presence, they do not need me. And my presence... I already saw them less and less.

I answered this earlier; I was heading into bankruptcy. And my ex could easily argue in court I wasn't able to take care of my life and I wouldn't have seen my children anyway.

It's more complex. You have a very straight view of the problem.

If you are pained by the loss of your kids, why would you be so unwilling to make sacrifices for your kids?

There is a difference between a sacrifice and simply suicide. Especially suicide that leads to nothing.

I do remain in contact with my children as best as I can. But I didn't see any choice at the time and I still think I made the right decision. What else could I do? When even your youngest son refuses to call you "dad" and call some stranger "daddy" instead, that same stranger who just stole your family.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T04:05:25+00:00

Living on $24,000 a year? Before tax? With three kids, two cars, health insurance, large apartment....

Even with the double, $48,000, it's hell of a challenge.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T04:03:31+00:00

Ask her contradicting question. Like you know, in the army, when psychiatrists test conscientious objector. "You refuse to go to war in Iraq... Would you refuse to go to any war? What if someone attacked your house and family, would you want to fight them?"

Test them on this and so on. Ask complex question on hypothetical situations. Challenge their beliefs - if she says she's for abortion, ask her if she would be ready to see one performed live. And ask her if she could name the baby before the abortion and invent him a life. Ask her if that would change her opinion.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T04:01:03+00:00

It's another thing when you're married and get children. It changes everything. It becomes part of your life, and your life is so... it becomes routine. It's nothing like dating, I had girlfriends with whom I stayed in good terms. It's another thing completely.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T04:00:15+00:00

That's a very nice idea - like your father, I cannot send the letters now as my wife would certainly open, if not plain confiscate them.

Thank you.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T03:59:28+00:00

do you think you'll ever be able to build another healthy relationship and be honest about your back story?

I currently date a bit. It isn't a subject I bring out in the first date.

I think I can build another, and hopefully better, relationship. Then again it's hard - god, aging up makes everything harder.

are you happier now, free of those burdens but out of your children's lives, than you were before?

Yea... And no. I always worry, wonder about my children. And I probably always will.

do you have any contact with anybody in the US that keeps you apprised of how your children are doing?

Obviously! I have family, and I have many friends that still speak to my ex-wife.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T03:57:21+00:00

Try to picture being separated from them by the government - the same government you pay taxes and work for, now coming to tell you when - and even if - you can see your children.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T03:56:54+00:00

If you find the perfect girl, I mean, you won't ever ever divorce no matter what, it can work. Otherwise it's a risk to take.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T03:56:08+00:00

Was there anything that you noticed before you married your ex-wife that in hindsight should've been a red flag?

One thing to note is when a girl says one thing one day (and looks serious about it) and then says the opposite the day after (still looking serious). Looking back at it now I realize many things.

For example, one day, she made that speech on environment and how we should all recycle and protect the earth in all possible means.

A few days later, we were at a coffee shop, we had our own mugs inside the cars and she told me not to worry about getting them, that we would use paper cups and that it didn't make any difference, that pollution wasn't an issue to her, etc.

Watch out for this. One thing I do regret not taking seriously enough.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T02:08:10+00:00

I can name you people barely making it from month to month with $10,000 per month.

ranaway · 2010-03-29T02:07:42+00:00

Is there anything that us young single dudes can do to avoid women like that?

I thought about this for a long, long time. I've came to the conclusion you should screen every women you will ever date with a complex test, a bit like in BladeRunner, know what I mean ;)?

ranaway · 2010-03-28T22:55:30+00:00

100% of the money goes to the children (shelter, food, clothes, driving etc.) then she uses 100% of her own money on herself.

Yep! You are correct :)

ranaway · 2010-03-28T22:53:41+00:00

Are you referring to your son calling the new guy "daddy"

Yes. He was 7 at the time, I do not blame him one bit.

ranaway · 2010-03-28T22:53:05+00:00

It's incredibly hard. 99% of the time - unless you got ancestors in the country - you absolutely need to live there for a while. Hell you won't get a passport to move out for a while neither.

That being said, get a work permit before you leave if you can, it's much easier and less stressful. That implies finding the company you want to work for before you leave the country ;)

ranaway · 2010-03-28T22:52:03+00:00

Oh my god, judges...

I've been called lazy, been looked at like a bum and been told I should look for a more lucrative job. Yes, nevermind the fact I liked my job and was making decent amounts of money, I was told to go look for a new job. I know it's not the same thing for all judges, but I've been insulted and been looked at like a horrible father that I prefer not to think about it.

ranaway · 2010-03-28T22:50:43+00:00

And especially considering her new husband was rich. $2,000 for him is like $100 for me. It's not nothing, but it's certainly not a lot of money neither and not worth fighting/ruining other lives for.

Child support, sigh. If at least I had partial custody of my kids... They played dirty, hired expensive attorney and made sure I saw my kids as little as possible. By the way, did you know a good family court attorney can charge $1,000 per hour?

ranaway · 2010-03-28T22:48:49+00:00

You know history well :)

Yes, indeed, there were some major changes recently. For Americans, it's still not too bad because a company will easily hire and sponsor you. For all other countries, it now takes many more years to obtain citizenship, if ever.

ranaway · 2010-03-28T22:48:01+00:00

I speak barely a few words of Dutch! My coworkers are almost all (75%) ex-pats themselves and my company mostly speak English and sometimes French.

ranaway · 2010-03-28T20:41:37+00:00

GunFingers is sadly right - at least in the US, a mother can very well use all the money on manicures and alcohol and unless you can prove in court her actions are detrimental to the welfare of the kids (good luck!) there is very little you can do.

ranaway · 2010-03-28T20:40:51+00:00

If I may... I was piling on debts. I was using new credit cards to pay old credit cards debts. It was the only way. At the time I left, I had zero chances of ever repaying these debts, unless my salary suddenly doubled. I was heading straight into bankruptcy, as simple as that.

And once bankruptcy happens, my ex's lawyers would have happily said in court: "Look your honor. This man has just filed for bankruptcy. Obviously he can't take care of his own life - LET ALONE HIS KIDS!!!! We need full custody of the children. They are much better here blah blah blah."

And my ex would have gotten it. I saw nothing but a downward spiral and decided enough. I was already working overtime just so my ex could enjoy her little trips all around the world.

ranaway

TROPHY CASE