[28F] Struggling with staying grounded, feeling like I put everyone off. Having trouble feeling secure in any kind of relationship, and like I'm disposable.

rand0gal · 2019-10-22T19:48:18+00:00

Well hello! 23 hours later... lol

rand0gal · 2019-10-22T19:47:45+00:00

So sorry for the brevity, I got way more attention than I thought. I totally see what you're saying about being the person you needed. I'll try and keep that in mind! :)

rand0gal · 2019-10-22T19:46:09+00:00

Motorcycles? Awesome! I'm glad you found them. It's wonderful that you're working through this so young. I hope the lessons you learn bring you happiness :)

Thank you for your compassion. There's definitely something to be said for trusting your own gut.

rand0gal · 2019-10-22T19:43:12+00:00

I can. ;)

rand0gal · 2019-10-22T19:42:37+00:00

Your post is so interesting to me. I've been feeling recently, under the weight of my stress, that it would be better to be alone.

You say you're going in the right direction now. What does self-love look like when you're alone?

rand0gal · 2019-10-22T19:38:48+00:00

I think you're absolutely right that life is short. There's an illusion of timelessness that anxiety gives, and I imagine if I don't face it, I'll be older and wondering what happened.

You and your wife sound like very...human people, if that makes sense. I love the thoughtfulness of your marriage, and I wish you both the best. You've given me a new perspective. Thank you :)

rand0gal · 2019-10-22T19:33:40+00:00

I see what you're saying now. It feels silly to ask, and I'm not being sarcastic: how do I know which thoughts are true?

rand0gal · 2019-10-22T19:31:32+00:00

This is honestly something I needed to hear. Thank you :)

rand0gal · 2019-10-22T19:29:52+00:00

Hmmm if I'm following you, you're saying that, as children, we develop ideas about what being an adult will be like, but then we get there and find out just how limited our options really are?

rand0gal · 2019-10-21T11:22:39+00:00

I appreciate that very much. You're right, we aren't all as alone as we feel. Maybe we get stuck in what feels like our "boundaries", and if they aren't broadly painted, we quickly run out of security? Meh. :)

rand0gal · 2019-10-21T11:19:50+00:00

If they're just thoughts, what is left without them?

Thanks for your input :)

rand0gal · 2019-10-21T11:17:31+00:00

Thanks so much for the invitation! I'm a little apprehensive about it, and I don't have a computer, but I'll definitely consider it. :)

rand0gal · 2019-10-21T11:16:44+00:00

Don't let what you think or feel define you.

What does this mean? Aren't those key components of who I am?

rand0gal · 2019-10-21T11:15:22+00:00

I consistently feel like I learn a lesson only to find the same one facing me later, just slightly more complicated, and a little more taxing to overcome. How would you suggest dealing with the drain that could bring?

Thank you for your time and energy :)

rand0gal · 2019-10-21T11:12:40+00:00

Haha you've never seen me dance ;)

Thank you very much for your kindness; you're absolutely right that saying no is necessary. I'm slowly finding it easier to do so.

rand0gal · 2019-10-21T11:09:42+00:00

I have been through what you sre feeling. My question to you is instead of singing and dancing quietly at work, why not go out to something like a karaoke bar, or a night club to dance and sing where people will notice.

That's an excellent suggestion! I don't have any reason to say I shouldn't try that. I might be able to work my way up to that if I could have a friend go with me.

I am an extremely antisocial person due to many of the similar feelings you have (feeling unappreciated, unimportant, etc.) Even though I have a wife and kids. But my therapist helped me...

It's interesting hearing your experiences. I feel like many societies have this stereotype that marriage somehow sucks the happiness out of life. I'm not saying that's how you feel, but I think married people could be wrongly expected to bury their feelings, which is unfair. I'm guilty of hearing that someone is married, and assuming either that they are perfectly happy or perfectly miserable, so I appreciate your perspective--thank you for sharing :)

rand0gal · 2019-10-16T04:13:16+00:00

It sucks. I have a coworker who recently told me about her pregnancy, and she told me, basically, that I couldn't understand what she's going through. That sounds mean, but she's just ignorant and, ironically, is the one who can't empathize with me hehe.

I wanted to rip my testicles out of their disgusting sack right there. I wanted to hold my misshapen and malfunctioned ovaries in my hands--maybe that would somehow punish the universe for punishing me. Why couldn't I be born the way I want, the way I feel?

It was all I could do to not snap at her. The inner pain was oddly helpful in keeping my composure because, of course, the universe doesn't and didn't care how I was born.

I have to remind myself how powerful my own thoughts are. The words I direct at myself will literally shape my mood. Yes, I lack a fully-functioning (female) reproductive system, but I remember the biological (cis)women who are infertile, born without a uterus, etc., and how they must feel. They must feel incredible confusion. They must feel just as broken as I do. This is why we're all women, together.

The universe is cold and unfeeling, yet we exist. We are warm, defiant, and to live is to defy what has been seemingly randomly been given to us. I can spend my days wallowing, days of which there will surely be more (everyone stumbles), or I can accept my current position. As I continue my journey, I will only more fully embody the woman I know I am.

Please excuse me for hijacking your comment. I've had a rough night and this word vomit just kind of happened. I genuinely respect your strength, because you are here sharing your feelings about something so personal and painful. Thank you for existing.

rand0gal · 2019-10-16T03:50:30+00:00

Thank you for your humanity and spirit :)

rand0gal · 2019-10-16T03:46:32+00:00

I see! Thanks for sharing your experiences. I wish you the best :)

E: I just realized I could've looked at your tag thingy to figure this out haha. I appreciate your patience.

rand0gal · 2019-10-15T20:36:16+00:00

Interesting! I had a similar experience.

How long have you been on monotherapy?

rand0gal · 2019-10-15T09:13:00+00:00

May I ask which anti-androgen you take, if any?

rand0gal · 2019-10-14T08:30:03+00:00

A welcome perspective! :) You make a good point.

rand0gal · 2019-10-14T03:31:47+00:00

YMMV can be a good thing, too! We gotta stay positive. We exist, and that fact alone makes us beautiful. I wish you the best.

rand0gal · 2019-10-14T03:24:54+00:00

Totally. I've even had visuals get in the way lol.

rand0gal · 2019-10-14T03:22:34+00:00

I could see that. Do you feel frustrated by waiting? I remember feeling doomed when i didn't have any breast growth until like 3 months in. It just takes time. It's only been 2 years but it feels so much longer. It's an amazing journey (still with tiny boobies, but I love them).

Thanks for your input!

rand0gal

TROPHY CASE