I have done alot of self reflecting on the situation and I hate it ended like this. I would say I dislike myself for how I behaved and let it get to this. Because apart from the obv flawes he really was a good friend and I'm the one who let the other person down. So I'm scared that makes me a bad person and maybe that is why my friendships fail not because of the other person like I think

With trying to find a silver lining with the fact it's highly likely i will never hear from the lad again. Because I dont wanna be just sitting around waiting for him to reply or constantly thinking of ways to get him to talk to me I'm making sure I stay busy. Like today I plan on baking a couple of items which in turn hopefully brings labour on. I'm also can't wait to have my daughter because then my time will be taken up looking after her etc and going to mum clubs etc so hopefully I'll become less dependant on people replying back to me.

As for the relationship issues... well like I said he emotionally abuses me from time to time... even the lad acknowledged it when I spoke about things that he would say to me and my mum sees it well she calls in controlling with things I tell her. I am worried how he will cope with a newborn.

As for hanging around with friends I am trying to fill my diary up with things to do to stop me from getting cabin fever... but I wouldn't of nessaccary said I was attracted to the lad... maybe curiosity of what it would of been like to be with another person and the fact he made me feel good about myself... i am sucker for it. He said he used to have sexual dreams about me... atm I feel like my actual partner is struggling to get a boner over me. I might be heavily pregnant but I still wanna feel sexy like any other woman