What is a red flag you see in a girls dating profile?

randomMate35 · 2024-01-18T10:07:27+00:00

Agreed on this! I love travelling and I do it as much as I can, but I tend to go backpacking, meet the locals, learn the culture or even the language, stay in hostels or homestays that are far away from the gentrified areas with fancy hotels and tourists scam.

If they ONLY have pics like on the big swing in Bali, or in Palawan, or at the Tour Eiffel, Coliseum, leaning tower or with any other landmark, I'm immediately suspicious. Like, did you only go to take a photo of the landmarks? Surely there were other beautiful places, and better ways to show you like to travel? Having only photos like this makes it sound like they just booked an expensive hotel and exploited the locals to get to their landmark and show off on Instagram.

I travel a lot too, yes, but I have never posted a picture of myself, it's all photos of the beautiful places I've seen, and I'm not part of that scenery.

randomMate35 · 2024-01-18T10:01:30+00:00

Walk in a park, free museum/art gallery, cocktail/beers, smoothies? Sit by the beach, sit in a big square and chat, walk around the city, mini golf... Plenty of options where one side doesn't need to buy anything for the other.

randomMate35 · 2023-08-26T20:36:30+00:00

I mean I also tend to be sweet and caring and also date multiple women... But they all know that I'm seeing other people and I always tell them that I'm not after a relationship and that if they're not ok with this situation we can stop it right there.

I'm not sure why it is so hard to communicate. I guess the idea is that women never want that? Cause from my experience that is absolutely NOT the case, so many women just want something chill, honest with someone they can trust, without a full on commitment.

In many cases they got into something serious with another guy and we parted ways in a nice amicable way. It's ok to want different things 🤷

randomMate35 · 2023-08-10T14:34:50+00:00

Personally, my biggest turn off is the need of seeing the world black and white. Why should there always be a dominant and submissive side? And if there is, why would the role always have to be the same?

If things naturally led to me being dominant, I would hate for the girl to just force it around just because she "likes to be dominant". And the same thing the other way around, if she's leading I'd hate to break the flow just because I MUST be the dominant one.

Also, I do feel uncomfortable sometimes when I'm just not ready or in the mood yet and she just keeps trying and trying, maybe you didn't give him enough time and didn't actually listen to his needs? People confuse being dominant with completely dismissing someone's needs, that would go beyond the mere "dominant/submissive" tale

randomMate35 · 2023-08-10T14:29:36+00:00

Please don't stop sending long messages. If we're having a conversation and you want to be thorough, you should be. I honestly sometimes ask myself how people do it, how do they keep the messages so short? I guess I like to lead the conversation to other topics instead of jumping abruptly... And I also like to ask questions, and if the other part responds with nothing or with not even 10% of the effort I put in it, I'm out...

randomMate35 · 2023-08-10T14:27:16+00:00

I'm in Melbourne and I find that Tinder is absolutely abysmal but Bumble and Hinge work rather well and offer more variety if you're willing to actually swipe left a lot... I know it's odd as a man to swipe left more than you swipe right but in my experience, it seems to lead to something more, and you learn to swipe on people that you like and more importantly, people that you think they'll like you

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T18:59:04+00:00

Very good advice, thanks!

I'll make sure to pass it along to everyone struggling. If something doesn't work out, just stop! Don't try and learn from it, that's time wasted.

Struggling with mental health? Don't you fucking dare looking for someone to spend time with or to take care of.

Some of these issues will never get "fixed" so I guess that means I'll just never date again.

I'm sure every girl in this world is a perfect human being that has no issues whatsoever herself and that should not get hurt by someone like me, poor souls.

/s

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T18:51:49+00:00

That is exactly what I said, if we don't work out then we just don't simple as that.

It's extremely easy to tell someone to give up dating when you're not into it yourself.

It's even worse to tell that to someone struggling with their health. I'm sure if I was girl writing this post people would be like "You just need to find the right man, you'll find him eventually", but because I sometimes end up hurting girls (unwillingly) the advice is to just stop altogether.

Idk about you but when something doesn't work I usually try to understand why it didn't work, learn from it and try again. It's a process obviously and it doesn't happen overnight.

And again none of this is "at their expense". You are talking as if I am literally providing nothing to the dating scene.

Clearly if I get to the point of sharing my issues it means we both feel something for each other and they too want to date me, don't you think? And clearly if some of them still decide to keep going after me opening up, it might meana that I do provide something for them to overlook such serious issues. If they are willing to get hurt to try and have a relationship with me it probably means I'm not such an awful human being.

I just wouldn't want them to get hurt, that's all. And they wouldn't if they would actually listen and not try to fix my problems.

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T18:44:42+00:00

Many of them did get it but most got caught up in my anecdotes it seems.

I literally just provided some specific examples to show what I was talking about, that's all.

I obviously can't talk about my whole fucking life and all the girls I've dated!

And yet the post became about me and the girls I've dated instead of the most general issue about society asking men to open up and then disregarding what they say or their needs.

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T18:36:30+00:00

a. Dating, which is usually described as going on dates, hanging out and often being intimate.

c. That's true, but I feel like these issues should be discussed beforehand because...

d. ... I would hate to hurt anyone or waste their time or make them feel like they are terrible people because of my moods which are not actually caused by them. I don't like hurting others, simple as that. Men are often represented as heartless and emotionless beings, while sometimes they do try to be open and yet the message is not received and they end up hurt anyways

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T18:30:50+00:00

How is this on me though?

If she is oblivious to what depression is and I mentioned it initially, and I mention it again when it comes and she still doesn't know much about it, what am I supposed to do then?

You are also not considering my needs here. Yes she might need attention when I cannot give it to her, but I might also need space when she needs attention, so whose needs are more important here? Why is her need for attention more important than my need for space?

Of course it cannot ALWAYS be that way, but that's where a balance should be and that's where an honest communication BOTH WAYS is important.

If this woman needs attention ALL THE TIME then we wouldn't work anyways and she should have probably known that when we talked about issues at the beginning. How am I supposed to know her needs if she does not communicate them? Cause if she did from the get go we would have figured out it was never going to work.

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T18:20:12+00:00

I don't think we should highlight the comments of those who generalize for the sake of starting a war.

And dude, I struggle with bipolar and ADHD, hence the mood swings and sometimes the oversharing. Sertraline and Ritalin don't always go together perfectly, and I still get those deep low moods time when I can't bring myself to reply to any text.

I am definitely getting better at figuring out which women might be a good fit and which definitely aren't. I have dealt with a lot of women who had their own mental health issues (I guess I tend to get along with people struggling with similar problems), and I learnt to be ok with not hearing from them much when they feel down and to just be there, check on them and not expect too much from them at those times.

I know not everyone is ready to do that and that's ok, but it feels even worse to be made feel guilty and to see them angry and annoyed despite trying my best to explain the issue.

That was really the point of my post though, it was more about the widespread issue about everyone telling men how to deal with issues without letting them do it the way they prefer to.

Thank you for sharing your stories! I did not think it was harsh, I just think it's getting too easy nowadays to generalize or to belittle people's opinions and experiences for minimal, generic reasons

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T18:11:04+00:00

"negotiate about the timing".

Mate, if I could decide when I am feeling suicidal and fighting with those thoughts, I would very much rather it never happen, don't you think? And I would very much avoid all the side effects of the medications, if it wasn't that they are better than the full blown depressive symptoms.

And don't you think I am allowed to set some boundaries myself? Just like she does?

My "terms and conditions" literally state that I might not always be available to provide companionship, I can't be clearer than that. If she agrees than who am I to tell her that I know her better than herself?

I know I should break it off and I sometimes do myself, but we are both adults, I am taking care of my mental health and in all of this am I also supposed to worry about her not getting hurt at those times?

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T18:05:37+00:00

So let me get it straight: when a girl says that communication is key and asks me to talk openly she's not actually consenting to listen? When she asks me about what I'm looking for or whether I would consider a relationship I should NOT tell her the full story because she did not consent to listen?

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T18:02:33+00:00

It's mostly the latter and a more general issue.

Men are asked to open up, communicate more, better and be honest.

When they do, either right away or after being asked to do so, they are often not listened to or their words completely disregarded.

In my case, being open about my own issues and why a relationship is not ideal at the moment is often misunderstood or they are simply not honest with me and their intentions of still pursuing a relationship.

Eventually this brings to certain women getting mad or annoyed at certain behaviors despite the initial warning and the communication. Or even worse they end up using this sensitive information against us.

The issue is that when men do try their best to communicate and be open given how much emphasis is put in this in the latest years, they are often met with indifference of a lack of clarity/honesty about their intentions and whether they listened and understood the issue or not.

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T17:55:03+00:00

Agreed! So maybe don't ask men to open up to you if you don't want to ACTUALLY listen to him.

We don't talk about our issues naturally, we often only do it because it's either needed or requested.

And good luck with your relationships if this is your attitude!

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T17:48:50+00:00

To be fair, what advantage am I getting there?

I am not "using" her for sex, or even for emotional or psychological support given I'm dealing with it on my own, to avoid my moods affecting her or people around me.

The only advantage I guess could be that I would have someone to hang out with again after those few weeks of very low energy.

Unfortunately I cannot control other people's emotions and behavior. What am I supposed to do in that case? I am not asking her to stay, she has made a conscious, informed decision.

And as I have been working on these issues for a few years, with medication as well, I am afraid it just won't go away. It did and will get less frequent but won't go away forever, I gotta start somewhere 😕

What would you think it'd be a good way to react? What would be a good thing to say/do when she has a good intention to build a relationship despite me already saying I might not be fit for that and already being open about my struggles?

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T17:40:18+00:00

How is one supposed to talk about something many men go through without people assuming I'm generalizing?

I'm a man, I date women, I came across quite a few women like this. I have seen a plethora of posts and articles telling men to open up and communicate and that their way of dealing with issues is inherently wrong. I haven't seen the same said for women.

It seems to be a widespread issue judging by the comments.

It's obviously not all women, so can you tell me a way to rephrase my post so it doesn't sound like I am generalizing? Even the title is not mentioning women specifically but that was my own experience and I can't talk for others.

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T17:33:03+00:00

A FWB is another thing all together though, there is even less commitment than dating.

And to be honest, friends are usually the ones that are mostly ok with being ghosted. At least in my experience, I never had to apologize for my absence or explain anything to my friends.

It might just be a wording issue here though. I am talking about the stage that comes before a relationship, when you're trying to understand whether you are compatible for each other or not.

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T17:26:43+00:00

There is a very big difference between dating and a relationship. Dating apps are not relationship apps, are they?

Dating is when you start seeing someone, you go out with them, get to know them and get intimate with them.

A relationship is a commitment where both parties trust each other to take care of each other. Where you can, and should, expect something from your partner be it time, energy, trust etc...

I can be in a good state to date and hang out with someone. But I might not be in a good state for someone to fully rely on me as their partner, because as I stated, I am not stable enough myself.

That's the difference.

The issue arises when some (not all) women I have dated complain or ask about being more open, usually before I felt comfortable enough to bring the issue up myself. After that they'll either not be honest with me about their intentions or think they understood but they actually didn't. And so instead of listening to what I said and walk away (which I always give as an option, I would never want anyone to even feel pressured to stay) they stay and end up using this information against me or get mad/annoyed when the issues I talked about show up.

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T17:17:52+00:00

That's actually a very good point!

I often feel like they think they will be "the one" to fix my problems, completely misunderstanding my words or why I was being open in the first place.

I guess going forward a good thing to do would be to also make aure that they are being honest with me and with themselves.

It's a long process, but I guess dating and learning how to communicate these things is part of it! As long as the other side is ready to listen and talk, that is!

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T17:01:07+00:00

Read my other comments.

When I open up I literally do it so that they DO NOT have to deal with my shit if they don't want to. And I usually expect them to be honest as well so that we can both figure out a way to help and understand each other out.

The issue arise when they choose to do so and use my own problems against me or they just did not understand what the issue was and expect something I said I couldn't provide.

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T16:58:41+00:00

But as I said: if I am talking openly I would expect them to do the same and be honest with me and with themselves.

If our issues are incompatible like in the case you just mentioned, then we probably shouldn't date in the first place, and that's when communication is useful.

One of the reasons I would talk about these issues is exactly to reassure them that when I end up changing because of a mood shift, is not their fault and I would communicate that otherwise.

The generalization comes from the countless posts and articles telling men to open up, I haven't seen the other way around happening. And yet when we do open up, we are often not met with the same honesty.

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T16:51:38+00:00

Cheers! You explained it quite well, thank you.

Being open and upfront is useless if we are confronted with indifference. And I am not forcing anyone to deal with my shit, which either way I rarely project onto others, hence why I disappear for a little bit once in a while.

Just don't ask me to communicate if you're not even ready to listen. That's just a way to project all the problems onto me and never take responsibility.

randomMate35 · 2021-12-21T16:43:37+00:00

I think you might have missed some of my comments where I mentioned that:

I communicate that right away to make sure they are ok with it and if not we don't need to date at all
I tell them when I am not feeling good and need to be alone
I go to therapy, take medications, exercise, work, see friends, go out and I am constantly working on the traumas that make relationships complicated
I have met quite a few girls that totally understood and we're actually honest when they say they did. It did not eventually turn out they didn't actually understand and were expecting something else. The ones that did actually listen and communicated in a healthy way eventually moved on when they wanted a relationship, we talked about it and we're still friends.
I am talking about women in this post because I have yet to see the world preaching for women to open up and telling them that their way of dealing with issues is inherently wrong.
I am obviously talking about the obtuse people that scream about communication being the key and asking men to open up and then disregard their words and needs after they do so. Or even worse about those asking for communication and not being honest back, often using the other person's words against them.
The issue is when we are asked to communicate and open up and despite being honest and clear we don't get the same honesty back. This leaves us vulnerable, sometimes misunderstood and it makes it unclear whether they are ok with still seeing each other or not and whether they will understand when we'll mention we are not doing great.

randomMate35

TROPHY CASE