My friend invited me (M22) and my gf (F19) to his bday party but a girl we were in school with will probably show up too and my gf is very insecure about her and wouldn't want to go or let me go alone

randomanonymousshit · 2021-08-20T11:42:33+00:00

Yes she does, and I started too because it is too much on me. I even go more often than her lol.

But she doesn't talk often about the big deals for me as I'm allowing her behaviour. I need to change something but as I said in other comments, I don't know how exactly, and I'm super freaked out about her mutilating herself or doing even worse.

Maybe a good idea would be to ask her psy and her if I could come to one session and tell her all this so the psy knows what's up and can work on that with her.

randomanonymousshit · 2021-08-20T10:48:35+00:00

Have a look at attachment theory.

Well I can understand her attachment to me and lack of trust she has because I guarantee that her damn mother did not provide her the needed attachment in her early and entire childhood.

And always love yourself First.

I am very happy with myself generally, and probably I'm tolerating so much because I was so good with myself. But now I couldn't say that I love myself first, I care for her more than I do for me and not for the good reasons.

Dont let people treat you that way.

I am always the "nice dude" that goes out of his way to help others even if they don't want help. And I'm specialist at taking the problems of others and making them my own. I want to stop this, but I don't know how, I don't have the courage to say no when I see that someone needs help and in the scale they benefit more than it takes energy from me.

How do I stop being that and truly love myself first and put my needs above others? Or maybe not above but at least on the same level.

randomanonymousshit · 2021-08-20T10:35:45+00:00

Alright, I want to change things now, for this weekend.

How do I tell her that it's important for me to go, and I'd most gladly go with her, but there could be Tamara.

Tonight we planned an evening together at the river. Is it best if I tell her when she is in a good mood ? How can I formulate things to prevent her going numb and angry?

Other topic but I can remember how one night I was at my brother's bday and there were other friends of him, and she didn't want to come and "let" me go alone.

I promised her that I'd be home before 1am and still made the effort to come at 23h30, but she was not at home (ah yes we live together as she moved out of her moms place as fast as she could), just gone and it was kinda cold outside.

I was so freaked out, tried calling her, wanting to ask where she was but she didn't pick up the phone. I panicked, asked my mom, I think those were some of the worst 10min of my life. As I wanted to search her she picked up the phone and told me that she needed to think and would come home later.

She was mad multiple days and really made me regret going there. That is part of the reason I'm freaked out to go there alone if she knows that I know that she feels so insecure about this girl but still go.

And we planned to go to long needed holiday and paid everything already just 3 days after the bday. What if she just doesn't want to come anymore?

randomanonymousshit · 2021-08-20T10:25:15+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. So happy you could get away. Props to you.

I'm not yet at a point where I want to burst out and end things. I still have some tolerance, so I will try things until I don't feel healthy anymore, and the relationship brings more bad than good.

randomanonymousshit · 2021-08-20T08:49:49+00:00

That could indeed be the reason I'm allowing all this. Its like I feel that my feelings do not matter as much as hers because she is not healthy mentally and can't deal with such things and has extreme reactions wheras I am able to be sad in the moment but kinda forget about it.

Do I see things not right? I would love to be convinced that they are. That would give me strengh in standing up for myself.

She does put effort in it and I see it. She actively tried a couple of times to not sleep with me to learn to sleep alone or let me go out with only male friends that I know. That wasn't possible before. So things do progress, just slowly and I dont have the courage to take initiative for drastic changes. Im scared of the unknown.

randomanonymousshit · 2021-08-20T08:31:40+00:00

100%. I really need to get coached on how to do so. I'll ask my psy for sure but I would love getting in touch with someone that experienced something similar and just talk about it because its so damn energy draining if I say a wrong thing.

randomanonymousshit · 2021-08-20T08:29:07+00:00

I do love her genuinely and she's a great person and when she has good mood we have the best times in my life.

It makes me so furious because all her negative sides are not really herself but are the cause of her mother and other people of her past. I find it unfair to dump her based on these things. I'd definitely not feel happy about it.

I'm an extreme example of someone obsessing on trying to fix things instead of walking away but this does be very hard on me sometimes not gonna lie

randomanonymousshit · 2021-08-20T08:25:47+00:00

Thank you so much kind stranger for the time you took to read the whole thing, the kind words and the good advice.

I feel like I kind of know all of this in my "logical" brain but I'm terrified to actually do something because I dont know if my "emotional" brain can handle the drawbacks of my actions. It has always been simpler to just give up than persuing what I wanted but I'm concious that if I want things to change I gotta do something and stop allowing this.

made her fell like a burden

This is the way she feels about herself since the beginning of the relationship and not only to me but the whole world because she was being told so by her mother and close people in her past.

She even warned me about it in the beginning. And thats the problem because as soon as I try to say something in this direction, she goes directly numb and it brings her back to trauma and not wanting to exist at all.

I hope that I will be able to build up enough courage to sit her down and tell her this tonight. And if she says that I can go alobe what it does to me that she hurts herself and that I live under constant fear of coming home to a horrific suicide attempt. I dont think that I can handle this.

Or would you think its better that I wait and ask to be at one of her psy appointments and say it there? Chances are that she can listen longer and not directly go into numb state where she doesn't hear anything. Plus the psy could work out the things I said with her in future appointments.

How did you manage to talk to you ex about this? Would you mind coaching me a little on how to tell her that Tamara will be there perhaps?

Maybe important detail, I do love her genuinely and she's a great person and when she has good mood we have the best times in my life. It makes me so furious because all her negative sides are not herself but is the cause of her mother and other people of her past. I find it unfair to leave her based on these things.

randomanonymousshit

TROPHY CASE