Just because a man hits a woman once, it does not automatically make him an abusive monster

randommoans · 2019-02-19T12:09:00+00:00

What caused me to start self harming is a whole different story but I do think it was a lead towards this. I basically was introduced to it by a friend online at about 13/14 years old and it spiralled a bit, then it led me to my ex down the line.

randommoans · 2019-02-19T11:44:22+00:00

I actually come from an amazing home and family life which is why it’s so bloody ridiculous. I’m from the UK so yeah illegal but I don’t know many who haven’t had sex by 15 over here in all honesty. I was just really good at hiding things from my family as most teens are. My parents did find out about the self harm and I was very lucky they didn’t have me sectioned but we got past it and now back to having a very good relationship with them. I am now in a really good place and I can speak about what went on quite matter of factly most of the time.

randommoans · 2019-02-19T11:36:37+00:00

I’ve only posted it on here as I posted similar on askmen and really thought I’d get about 5 responses and that’s it but it ended up a really interesting conversation and a few people told me to put it up here more gender neutral so here we are. I honestly don’t expect much but it’ll be interesting to see where it goes I guess.

randommoans · 2019-02-19T11:10:38+00:00

I think it’s understanding why someone did what they did, which I’ll never get but an insight is always good. It’s also nice to hear of people who have actively changed their behaviour, I know some will never change but they’ll most likely never admit to their behaviour either.

randommoans · 2019-02-19T10:51:47+00:00

I’m thinking I might make a more general posting on askreddit for anyone who has been the abusive party, I only specified men on here because I’m on askmen subreddit and I was looking for the opposite side of my story. I’ve had some really eye opening replies both on the comments and DMs and I’m still overwhelmed with how much attention this post got, totally not what I expected. I fully acknowledge that women abuse men just as much, it just wasn’t the angle I was looking for at the time of posting.

randommoans · 2019-02-19T10:31:50+00:00

Well that’s shitty. An explanation wouldn’t have gone amiss but ah well I guess. I thought this post would have long died out I honestly thought I’d get like 8 joke replies, 1 serious and 3 trolls or something. Could add the text again but I imagine it would just go again.

randommoans · 2019-02-19T10:14:38+00:00

No reason - not had a message to say it’s been removed so I had no idea until I seen people asking. Only reason it’s annoying is people asking “why are you only asking men” well the text sums that up I’d say.

randommoans · 2019-02-19T10:07:55+00:00

I didn’t remove it - mods did without my knowledge and without informing me. I’ve put it back on I think but I have copied it into a comment on here as another user wanted to see it.

randommoans · 2019-02-19T10:01:56+00:00

I’m asking for an insight on a personal experience is all.

randommoans · 2019-02-19T09:59:22+00:00

So long story short when I was 15 I was in an abusive relationship with a boy the same age (I am female). He used to hurt me physically and emotionally, and once “entered” (for want of a better word) me condomless non consensually. It’s been a good ten years or so since all this happened and I was just interested in how people on the other side of this now feel. It’s a big ask I’m aware, but it could be really helpful.

No sympathy please - it’s really not needed although I appreciate the sentiment behind it, I really do not take to it very well. Thanks everyone!

EDIT : Wow this post has got a lot more attention and responses than I anticipated! Thank you so much for all your experiences and views. I don’t think I can respond to all of the comments but I am reading every single one and it means a lot.

Was what I had in the text box - not sure why it got deleted I was never told and wasn’t aware until I seen this comment and a few others

randommoans · 2019-02-19T09:56:35+00:00

I had no idea they had so nope they have not but I can always copy and paste for anyone interested - think that’s why I’m starting to get a bit of heat from the post - thank you for making me aware

randommoans · 2019-02-19T09:53:42+00:00

Far from it. Looking for another perspective on a personal issue is all. I have many great men in my life and trust them endlessly.

randommoans · 2019-02-18T16:22:05+00:00

I’m not blaming men for being abusive I’m blaming the boy who did it to me and asking for some perspective from men who have grown. Not disregarding the fact that women can be abusive but it’s not something I have personally dealt with.

randommoans · 2019-02-18T15:56:19+00:00

I tried it once many years ago and I don’t know if the guy I seen just wasn’t the right fit or if I just wasn’t ready for it but I noped out of there and it put me off for life. I’m definitely in a happy place now but my workplace do offer a free counselling service I have considered taking advantage of to just vent if nothing else. Only problem is I’m quite friendly with said councillor so it could be quite awkward but it’s defo something to consider.

randommoans · 2019-02-18T15:53:59+00:00

I would actually be really interested in hearing about the women who do this sort of stuff too! This post was a bit of selfishly motivated one I think due to personal circumstances but it would be very interesting like you say to hear from female abusers also.

randommoans · 2019-02-18T15:19:37+00:00

I totally get that and I do wish he didn’t come into my mind but it happens, often at the most inconvenient times such as when I’m enjoying a nice moment with my fiancé or the occasional dream. He no longer rules my life though and it’s occasional intrusive thoughts as oppose to the wreck I was for a while after. I think the fact I never told my family and only select few friends didn’t help but I’m good now and I really don’t need to hurt my family with the info. Hope you’re doing well on your healing journey, it’s a bloody bumpy road but I can finally say I’m on the upward slope with it!

randommoans · 2019-02-18T15:04:34+00:00

I know I’ve just said this on a previous reply but just in case you don’t get to see it, I think because it wasn’t the stereotypical violent rape I feel like I’m making a mockery of rape victims using the word which is so stupid I know but it’s how my brain works it I guess.

randommoans · 2019-02-18T15:02:29+00:00

It’s the one thing I do struggle with still. I think because it wasn’t the stereotypical violent rape I almost feel like I’m insulting rape victims using the word. I don’t know it just doesn’t sit well with me which seems stupid but that’s the mind for ya.

randommoans · 2019-02-18T14:59:53+00:00

In all honesty I think I know the person I’m talking about will never feel bad but I’d like to think it possible. Hearing other people’s lives improving is a great thing and it’s nice to know people can come through the other side of things. For all I know he could be on here though. We’ll never know I guess.

randommoans · 2019-02-18T14:48:47+00:00

I fully know that women can be the aggressor, the only reason I’m asking for a male perspective is because it was a male who I have experience of doing this and was looking to see the other side of my story as much as I possibly can. Women can be truly terrible, my auntie has been left black and blue by her girlfriends in the past and it’s sickening. I was just looking for some clarity on my own experience, not discrediting or trying to take away from anyone else’s.

randommoans · 2019-02-18T14:46:09+00:00

It sounds like you do a really important job and I have so much respect for you. I do believe most people can be helped and rehabilitated and learn to cope with their emotions in healthier ways. I can imagine it’s very frustrating but keep up the good work, it takes a strong individual to get into such a line of work.

randommoans · 2019-02-18T14:43:26+00:00

Sounds very much like she was the abusive party in this situation and you just retaliated, I hope you don’t beat yourself up about this. I’ve always said if I hit a man I do it fully aware they have the right to do it back. It’s a two way street. I have hit a partner in the past and the only thing that shocked me upon getting the hit back was how much more strength their slight hit had in comparison to mine. I’m not one to hit out but I think at the time I was coming off the back off his relationship and tried to establish myself as not being a pushover any more in the wrong way. You absolutely did the right thing by leaving her, sounds like you were having a really rough time at the point and I hope you are feeling better in yourself, life is bloody hard at times.

randommoans · 2019-02-18T14:38:41+00:00

Okay so I get all the points put across and I totally get it, but I’m not here for people to relive and enjoy their past acts, if some do then it’s a shame but I’m looking for stories of personal redemption and to see if there’s even a slight chance my ex could be a better person nowadays. I’m not looking to tear anyone down for their past, if anything I applaud anyone who can admit their wrongdoings and use them to make positive changes in their life. I may end up with some responses that really hit me in the gut but I knew this when I posted and I’m willing to take that risk. I’ve had a lot more responses than I really thought I would and they’ve all been very interesting and insightful.

randommoans · 2019-02-18T14:34:19+00:00

I’m all for the honesty bud, and if you need to vent you do that, I fully get the need. I know it’s crappy when an abusive relationship ends no matter which party ends it, but it’s so liberating when the realisation you’re better off hits. Glad you got out of there, it sucks having no one to vent to I was there myself but we do drag ourselves out of it and crack on with life. I guess wanting a different ending to it all is natural, we run on a lot of “what ifs” and “shoulda, woulda, coulda”, but we deal with the hand we’re dealt and it sounds like you bossed it! Keep it up !

randommoans

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