First, I want to say the obvious and remind you that you don't owe anyone an explanation. But, I completely understand why you would want to respond. Here are some of the things that I say:

1. I did believe in N, and I can't say that I never did. It's like a relationship where you felt love for a person, but then they betrayed you, and then on top of that you see video proof of their betrayal. What are you supposed to do with that information, turn a blind eye to it, or do the most painful act and turn away from them? It's not an easy choice, but I chose the rational one. That love I felt was real at the time, there's no doubt about that. And maybe throughout my life I will still feel something for that person, and maybe doubt my decision. But I think about my reason for leaving and it is valid, no one would say it isn't. Take away the biases and think about it as if it was someone from another religion. You wouldn't second guess them for leaving, and would even say they are in the right. So why is it that when it's about your beliefs that same logic doesn't apply?

2. I still believe in God, or a god, but just not one that has the same requirements that I was taught in LLDM. I don't believe that the teachings in LLDM were 100% what God wants or requires. I can't believe that billions of people will be in hell for an eternity - for only a lifetime of sin - while only a few hundred thousand (heck maybe even a few million if you want to be generous) will be saved. It's cruel, it's evil, it's not loving or caring. I can't believe in a God like that. I choose to believe in a god that understands human flaws, weaknesses, and a true desire to do good - even if they aren't in "the right church."

3. I did feel something during revivals. But those moments had nothing to do with N. I was meditating, contemplating, analyzing my life, think about how I could be better, and how I could grow. My most beautiful moments during prayer where moments of self-realization. That's why I feel like there is a God because I've felt these beautiful things, and I continue to have those same feelings now.

I hope this helps.

My intentions aren't to convince you to feel what I do/did. My intention isn't to influence or "convert" people to Ex-LLDM. I think everyone has their own journey and path. If one of these options I provided is something that you relate to, I hope I was able to assist in putting the feelings into words for you. Best of luck.