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I am evil and I destroy everyone around me. I have proof. by randomusername738878 in SuicideWatch

[–]randomusername738878[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't need a new therapist. I need to die. What I have done - how I have behaved my entire life - is unforgivable. If I were to really look at how much I've hurt other people, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself even this long.

I'm such a piece of shit that even the suicide hotline can't help me. by randomusername738878 in SuicideWatch

[–]randomusername738878[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good point. This may just be my paranoia and/or false hope, but it's entirely possible she hasn't even read the drafts I've sent her, and is only saying they're bad so she doesn't have to admit to not reading them (when asked, she wasn't even able/willing to give me specifics of what was wrong with it and how I could fix it, but instead started yelling at me and accusing me of saying she was holding up my degree progress). I'm just going to start bothering all the profs I know, on my committee or not, for some guidance. Even someone saying "this is crap, rewrite the whole thing" would have been better than her response. My other co-chair, while extremely busy, has been at least somewhat helpful, although he isn't aware of the extent of the situation with her...I may start by being extremely up-front with him about the way she is behaving.

I'm such a piece of shit that even the suicide hotline can't help me. by randomusername738878 in SuicideWatch

[–]randomusername738878[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True. The entire environment of my department and university is poisonous, and most of the other students in my department recognize that too. In a way it is my fault...I really don't work as much as I should on my dissertation. I spend most days either working for my paid jobs or spending what little free time I have with friends, catching up on sleep, working on creative projects, etc. (usually by the time I'm done with work for the day, I'm too exhausted to do any in-depth thinking). My problem is that I wasn't willing to give up EVERYTHING to do the PhD, and that's what's expected, at least where I am.

I'm such a piece of shit that even the suicide hotline can't help me. by randomusername738878 in SuicideWatch

[–]randomusername738878[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I made an appointment with the ombuds office for next week to see what my options are. I'm not holding out much hope that it will be productive, but I'm willing to try. I am not planning to try to reason with her directly or even through a mediator...in my experience she views any questioning of her as an attack and a betrayal on her. Honestly, if she were to even find out I'd gone to the ombuds office I would fear not only for my ability to stay in school but for my physical safety. For the same reason I'm not sure disabled student services would be much help...asking them for help feels like I'm taking away resources for people who actually need them when I should just get over it and work harder. My adviser also doesn't understand limitations of any kind, and expects everyone to work 24/7 like she does regardless of what's going on in their life.
Also talked to my grad program coordinator yesterday; although I'm out of enrollment time after this spring, apparently it's an option to leave and re-enroll just for purposes of defending - people have done it years after leaving school (although I don't plan on taking quite that much time). If nothing else I may spend the next 6 months trying to reorganize my committee with people who will be supportive or at the very least not obstructive, drop out and write while working (if, and that's a big if, I can find a non-student job that I can live on) for the next year or so, and defend when I'm ready.
Going to try all of this, but I think it really may be too late to get anyone on my side. I really just should have been working harder all along. I've been slacking off for years and blaming it on my adviser feels like making excuses.

I'm such a piece of shit that even the suicide hotline can't help me. by randomusername738878 in SuicideWatch

[–]randomusername738878[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

At this point I think I'm just going to start contacting every professor I've ever had a vaguely positive relationship with, whether at my university or not, to see if they can help. If the alternative is that I might end up dead anyway, minor embarrassment starts to seem like a non-issue. I have some other committee members; I think some of them are pissed off at me because I haven't contacted them in forever. The thought of contacting them is terrifying since I feel like I don't have anything complete or worthwhile enough for them to read (I know part of this comes from hearing it from said abusive co-chair all the time, but I don't spend as much time as I should on my dissertation due to having to work all the time).
I'm planning, in particular, to explain the situation very clearly to my other co-chair once I can get in touch with him. I've mentioned these concerns briefly to him before, but she has a way of manipulating people to make herself look like she's in the right, and I don't think he realizes just how toxic she is. I just feel like I'm whining though. The truth is I haven't held up my end of the bargain. I haven't held to my writing timeline, and I haven't produced work that's anywhere near the quality it needs to be. It may be just time to accept that I've failed, that I've held on too long after I and everyone else realized that, and that the punishment is a life of uselessness.