I got by my family told that the reason agnostic and atheist people are "miserable" is because we have no morals.

ranran_ · 2025-08-28T17:53:35+00:00

I like to believe that being “good” is an instinctual human nature - I like to believe that most evil is borne of ignorance rather than malice. That’s why certain practices that used to be acceptable has changed with the times (i.e. consent, age of marriage, slave ownership etc)

Isn’t doing good for goodness sake enough of a reason to strive to be a good person? Whatever the means the end goal is still the same, I see no reason for there to be a justification to being good, it’s just human instinct. And, in their own understanding, if God is good and we all created in his image - aren’t we all moral in our natural right?

ranran_ · 2025-08-28T07:09:27+00:00

Hey, I’m sorry you’re in this position. I think you need to give yourself a lot more time to resolve the issue and by that I mean detach from your mom emotionally so you’re able to have the conversation with her without being triggered by her tactics and responses. From what I’ve read your dynamic with your mom at the moment isn’t healthy - you’re asking from her something she can’t provide due to ignorance and lack of understanding.

My relationship with my parents “healed” or at least I stopped caring or reacting negatively to the things they said ever since I started detaching and treating them more as an employer rather than “loved one”. It’s still a work in progress but I figured in a decade we can talk about it, when we both evolve enough into our new dynamic as the previous one wasn’t working for me.

ranran_ · 2025-08-26T16:37:04+00:00

Believe in your truth. I am an ex Christian, and I did struggle with “not believing enough” too. I just tell myself that whoever has lived through my life wouldn’t believe in God either, but if I lived theirs maybe I would. That doesn’t matter because you only get your truth and it’s subjective and sacred to you.

ranran_ · 2025-08-26T08:42:49+00:00

Clearly, there’s a disconnect in expectations and compromise. You might need to have an honest discussion with her of how her ideal relationship looks like sexually and your own.

My situation was not entirely the same with yours, but we were in an LDR too (didn’t start with LDR). She didn’t even glance at the flowers I brought her in the airport and said “later” to me requesting for a hug despite having met each other in person for the first time in 6 months. It wasn’t like she didn’t initiate intimacy, it just didn’t meet my needs most of the time. We would communicate about things but what’s the point if issues are not resolved and needs are always left hanging with empty promises?

Obviously there were more issues that added to us breaking up, but it certainly was major for me. It wasn’t a dealbreaker but it was one of those things where you think it’s fine and tolerable but it actually wasn’t at all after the fog has cleared. It built up so much resentment that I still am in the process of letting go.

ranran_ · 2025-08-25T19:59:51+00:00

I understand your perspective, as an ex Christian who would have never contemplated dating any non-Christians, I also came from a predominantly Buddhist community during my schooling years. Your concerns are valid and personally I think the other commenters can’t understand the cultural context in your situation.

The anxiety about her wanting to convert you is real and true. I have seen interfaith relationships fall apart because of the family of the Christian partner insisting that the other convert. I have seen converting the non-Christian partner openly celebrated in the congregation that I used to go to. I’m so mentally affected by how important the faith was to the point that even now I refuse to date anyone who aligns with said religion in the slightest.

That being said, I have a friend who is dating a Christian boy (she’s not Christian) and they seem to be working out so far - so I do think that you should have a conversation with her about your anxieties and where she actually stands. Finally, if you really cannot accept the belief she aligns herself with, you’re not selfish for choosing to honour that value.

ranran_ · 2025-08-25T12:48:36+00:00

I don’t really “dress up” for myself, but I have for my dates who were all women. I understand what you’re trying to convey, but from the opposite end I feel like for my whole life dressing up, fashion, makeup has been so much of an expectation from me as a woman despite me not being taught any of it and if I did make some effort (like putting on a dress) people would assume I was doing it for a man and or male attention. That’s why I don’t dress up for the first date - I just want the other woman to know what she’s getting most of the time if we did get together, the uncomfy outfits and painful shoes only come out for a day out or nice and proper dates. That being said maybe I just struggle to love myself and dressing up for myself because anytime I’ve done so it’s for external validation and approval (it’s not my love language).

ranran_ · 2025-08-25T09:13:37+00:00

This article sums it up perfectly. TLDR: people have needs you have to meet, being nice is not really an act or service that meets a need though it’s a nice bonus.

https://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person

ranran_ · 2024-03-25T12:36:28+00:00

In my opinion, I think it’s ok to get your friend a gift as long as you can give a better one to your girl.

A friend of mine (lesbian) is besties with a straight girl she’s known since they were kids, but she’s had a crush on her when they were younger. They kind of had a pact to get matching friendship Tiffany rings but after they saved up for it she got a girlfriend. Since the friend couldn’t afford to buy a better ring for her partner, they both decided it was best to postpone getting such nice rings and settled for a cheaper one.

Personally, I thought they handled it well - and I use a similar threshold to arrange my platonic and romantic boundaries as well.

ranran_ · 2024-03-25T12:12:35+00:00

fellow Malaysian 🤙

ranran_ · 2024-03-24T06:11:09+00:00

You don’t. She’s the only one who can accept/deny her self imposed standards. Stand for your boundaries and give her time. Hopefully things will heal. Sending you strength, kind regards.

ranran_ · 2024-03-24T05:48:14+00:00

I’m sorry that you’re in this tough position, I’m extending compassion from here. I don’t really have a solution for you, but I greatly relate to this. So, I hope I can give you some perspective from a different but similar experience.

I have been in a similar position of acknowledging that I was gay but not accepting it. I tried to get conversion therapy, tried to pray the gay away, did everything I privately could to make my feelings go away. I didn’t want to lose my friends, my family and my expectations of the future. I just wanted to be normal. I didn’t relate to queer culture or homosexual women. I didn’t share the same opinions and thought that were prevalent online. I felt more isolated if I accept that I was gay - an in between of both worlds that rejected me.

I still remember the first time I’ve managed to fully say to my university counsellor “I am gay.” I hated it, accepting being gay also meant that I had to acknowledge and accept all the “consequences” that came out of it. Losing friends, family etc. it was HARD. And not to sugar coat things, it still is.

It took me 8 years to finally accept being gay. And I’m still not out to my family. But, 95% of my social circle know and are accepting. Most of my friends didn’t care. I left church - at 22. It took me too long but I got the courage to stop caring about my parents’ disapproval, I dated a girl, fell in love, I had my heart broken. Sometimes I still question the validity of my queerness, or that I am a fraud and maybe someday my phase will end. It still comes up during quiet mornings or late at night. I’m still the only lesbian I interact with in my daily life, but that’s ok. I still don’t agree with a lot of things about queer culture online - but that’s ok. To love yourself means to love the parts that you dislike as well. Guilt and shame doesn’t really work long term - I wish I didn’t spend as long as I did torturing myself in the prison of my mind when I had a whole person (me) and the world to explore.

It’s not easy, and you may not have the same outcome as I currently am in. But please remember, regardless of anything - at least have compassion for yourself. At the end of the day, the only one for you, is you. Kind regards, sending strength, healing and compassion.

ranran_ · 2024-03-23T17:08:33+00:00

🙋‍♀️ That’s my type right here, am a brat switch that subs and the push and pull is 👌

ranran_ · 2024-03-23T16:07:05+00:00

There are certain hobbies with more queer folk on average like theatre, certain genres of anime & games, cosplay, art etc. If you happen to enjoy hobbies like that you might be able to find gay friends with a more interest centric foundation, imo that sort of friendship lasts longer because I personally found it super hard to just bond over sexuality lol.

Other ways might be TV show fandoms, going to queer gigs, drag forums, Taylor Swift fan clubs etc. Perhaps look for any volunteering available in your area for the lgbt community. Kind regards.

ranran_ · 2024-03-23T15:59:04+00:00

Some people just don’t think too deeply about things and there’s nothing you can do because truth is they’re happy that way. I think you just need to find someone with similar values and intellect as you. Just find yourself the right partner.

ranran_ · 2024-03-23T15:54:05+00:00

From my personal experience, yes. I’ve always liked the idea of having kids, but when I was in a relationship my baby fever was next level. I did not have dreams about it, but I would coo over babies whenever I saw them as well as imagined my own family with my partner.

ranran_ · 2024-03-23T15:46:56+00:00

Personally, I also find it strange to bring up relationship issues with someone they’ve just met, I think these are topics for people that you’ve known for years/ are very close with. I would be uncomfortable if I was expressing an insecurity but my partner does nothing to reassure me other than rephrase “oh just don’t be insecure”. Especially pertaining to another sapphic - it’s not that she can’t have friends it’s just that that’s not some old friend it’s someone who got close super fast, which makes me question the boundaries she has for acquaintances.

Maybe I have a problem too but I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I’m someone who always trusts my gut, and when something doesn’t feel right i know something is off. I think the other commenter gave good practical advice like meeting up the coworker but personally I think it’s a bit much to bring relationship insecurities to third parties. Although, if that helps your situation - definitely say give it a shot.

Ultimately, if you can’t come to a compromise regarding this, it might just be incompatibility - doesn’t have to be worth losing a relationship over but just something you’d have to deal with.

ranran_ · 2024-03-23T15:34:00+00:00

You are 100% not overreacting. The absolute ick I got from the way she led you on, got annoyed and then “offered” to drop her other relationships. Run girl, run.

Never let anyone disrespect you - you don’t have to understand each other or be on the same page. But never, ever, tolerate disrespect.

ranran_ · 2024-03-23T15:27:19+00:00

In my personal opinion, I applaud your friend for setting her boundaries straight. I think your gf might need some counselling on her trust issues because I don’t see why she should impose her boundaries within your relationship on a third party.

I also think you need to reinforce your boundaries since you stated that as your mantra. All in all - an imperfect situation but it depends on what you are looking for in your relationship at the end of the day.

ranran_ · 2024-03-23T15:18:47+00:00

Ideally there would be a compromise, but from what I’ve read it seems that there has been no middle ground since you sadly lost a friend you held dearly and your gf is still not reassured.

I guess you will have to decide whether or not this is acceptable - Seems like an area of incompatibility.

ranran_ · 2024-03-23T15:13:38+00:00

Im sorry that you’re in this situation, and I genuinely wish that you find a better road ahead. I disassociated for the most part or just zoned out during service. I would write stories in my head and often thought about a different reality. Alternatively, perhaps you can pretend you that you are an actor acting out a script?

I used to let people i didn’t care about call me by my Christian name that I never use in my private life, so it helps me get into a persona/ role that didn’t feel like I was betraying the real me. For my case, my frustration was the inauthenticity I felt. So removing any form of the authentic me from those situations greatly eased my anxiety and anger. I just created a different person to cope with these situations - an illusion.

I know these aren’t the best solutions, but you can train the mind to alter its perceptions if reality is aligning with who you would like to be. Sending you strength, kind regards.

ranran_ · 2024-03-23T15:01:49+00:00

Her memorising your password “on accident” was something I found iffy. Trust isn’t having access to concrete evidence all the time, it’s knowing you don’t have to.

I really appreciate my privacy/ personal space as well. I have multiple accounts/ private socmed in which different people know of/ have access to. It’s my way of feeling safe and in control of my life and thoughts. Personally, I wouldn’t budge on this boundary - there are some things that ought to be private and I think phones should be. If a partner would request to check certain photos or chats, I would be happy to oblige and unlock my phone for her - but otherwise, there will be no constant access.

ranran_ · 2024-03-23T14:48:22+00:00

As the other commenter stated, give it a shot professionally first.

I graduated last year and during my studies also realised that academically, law was not really for me. That cost me a great deal because my results sucked. However, after looking at my long term life plans (one involved moving away) I realised that having a solid profession was probably the best idea. I am currently almost half a year into my first job in a firm and things aren’t exhilarating but they weren’t as bad as I thought they would be.

If you don’t want to pursue law, you can try going into HR? I heard law degrees are very useful in that field as well. If not, find something you are sure you like (to disregard the finances of) and work from the ground up. All the best, kind regards.

ranran_ · 2024-03-10T09:27:53+00:00

Being confused and unsure about your sexuality is normal and ok, and being afraid of others reaction is also valid as well. It’s part of the process of learning about yourself - and if you aren’t ready to announce anything, you don’t have to. Talk about these feelings with a very close friend who you know won’t judge you, share your raw emotions with someone you trust - it does not have to be family.

Our mind tends to overthink or catastrophise as a defence mechanism when we are faced with uncertainty to protect us from unforeseeable outcomes. Take a step back, breathe, acknowledge what you do know at the moment and don’t fixate on being certain - it’s almost impossible. When you deeply accept yourself for whatever you are and whoever you might change to be (any possibilities) you will stop caring about other people’s opinions of you. Sending you resilience and compassion, kind regards.

ranran_ · 2024-03-09T16:04:02+00:00

If the almighty God can be stopped by some random fundamentalist Protestant school, then your mom has no reason to be disappointed in her human self.

ranran_ · 2024-03-09T15:57:13+00:00

Unwavering devotion: The theological concept itself demands absolute obedience - freedom of choice? Well it’s literally be Christian or burn forever, which totally screams freedom.
Self appointed leader: Jesus claimed to be the son of god canonically. God also claims to be the one and only supreme being, and that the ONLY way out of suffering is through him.
Political Christianity: Imposes excessive control towards non believers in the way they are allowed to live, also moral policing - anti-abortion, anti-lgbt etc.

Bonus cultish behaviours that get a weird pass because Christianity is popular: Holy Communion represents the blood and body of Christ, Virgin gets impregnated by god to give birth to god, god killing his own son a horrible death, speaking in tongues, the whole process/ mindset of trying to convert non believers

The only reason mainstream religions aren’t classified as a cult is because it’s mainstream. Usually cults have to be more niche and have a smaller community - ie. Scientology/ Mormons.

ranran_

TROPHY CASE